Mum has advanced pancreatic cancer and I'm not coping

[Auldspinster]

Mum was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer back in July, Whipple was a possibility but liver mets were found on the PET scan which put paid to that. Opted not to go for chemo.

Been keeping it together for a while with the odd wobble but am exhausted and it kind of came to a head at the weekend. Have GAD and panic disorder with a side order of health anxiety. Been in a near constant state of panic since then with splitting tension headaches and been signed off work by the GP.

She's getting increasingly confused and in constant pain. It's killing me trying to put on a brave face and I feel like I'm being a rotten daughter. My brother moved back in with her when his marriage broke up and is taking on the bulk of the care with his girlfriend who is amazing. Feel guilty about this too. Don't have a support network as am single and friends have their own issues to deal with.

It's so bloody hard.

It's so hard when someone you live so much has Cancer.

I would say though that if she's in a lot of pain I'd have a chat to your DB and his GF about what pain relief your DM is prescribed.

My DF was prescribed Morphine and "D"M "didn't want uk give it to him". Luckily it wasn't up to her and we made sure that DF had adequate pain relief.

Does your DM have a McMillan Nurse? Could you ring their helpline and talk about how you're feeling?

Would echo pp, your mum needs a macmillan nurse, they can ensure she’s comfortable and hopefully pain free. My father was given a syringe driver towards the end of his life.

I’m sorry, it’s heartbreaking to see someone you love suffer, it can also be frightening to feel so helpless.

My darling Dad died from liver cancer in January. The simple cold truth is that the medications didn't work - his liver wasn't able to metabolise them - and his brain was flooded by liver toxins that his system couldn't get rid of (hepatic encephalopathy). I would do some research online - once I understood what Dad's body was going through, it made sense although it was horribly hard to watch. I was very fortunate that he had an amazing palliative care consultant who understood that I needed the brutal truth to cope. Dad on the other hand, was happy not to know.

https://livercanceruk.org/

There isn't any way that this is going to be less shit for any of you but you will get through it.

So sorry you are going through this with your dear mum. I have been through similar and it really is tough.
Its lovely that your brother and his girlfriend can help, don’t feel bad about that.
It’s good that you have been signed off as you can focus on your own life rather than work and hopefully, feel a bit better when spending time with your mum.
Definitely push for pain relief, if not MacMillan perhaps local comm7nity nurses or GP service can administer. Keeping your mum comfortable will help your own path through this. 💐

There's Marie Curie nurses involved now. Her liver mets are small so I was advised that shouldn't affect how metabolises the morphine.

She was prescribed pregabalin but it's made her very confused. I am in touch with a former colleague who is a palliative care consultant and her advice has been invaluable.

My brother has been absolutely brilliant managing her meds. She's on 40mg slow release morphine which is supplemented with oramorph and the district nurses come to inject her as needed.

I feel like the weak link. Hit my head off the fridge door (no signs of concussion but that doesn't stop my health anxiety going nuclear) this evening to cap everything. I lost my dad to a brain haemorrhage in my early 20s and went to pieces afterwards. Don't think that'll happen this time but very close to my mum so it will be tough. The hardest thing is the uncertainty.

I'm sure you have but just wondering if you had any Counselling following the sudden death of you DF?

And it's absolutely ok to ask for Counselling again

I didn't. Had crushing depression but got fobbed off with the offer of cbt with the CPN, which I was in no state to participate in. Luckily it eventually passed. I felt like I had no reason to carry on but I couldn't follow through as I couldn't do that to my mum and brother.

Please do think about contacting Marie Curie.

My DF died on a Hospice shortly followed by another close relative. The Hospice offered me counselling and it was probably the thing that helped me cope the most.

My lovely mum died on 7th December in a Marie Curie Hospice. Funeral's on the 27th.
The Marie Curie nurses were amazing and she died peacefully although the last couple of weeks were very hard as she was confused and agitated and had severe pressure sores.

I’m sorry to hear about your mum. Glad the nurses were a good support. Look after yourself.

I'm so sorry Auld.

I’m so sorry to hear that. My father died in a similar way and there’s nothing you can say or do to make things better.

I would suggest though that therapy for yourself may be something which will help you. Your father dying so suddenly when you were young must have been such a shock and it sounds like you may not have dealt with it at the time. Please look after yourself.