FIL terminal diagnosis - how can I help?

[PurpleSpottedLeopard]

My lovely FIL is now too ill for chemo to continue and has been given 1-2 months. I know that lots of mumsnetters have sadly been in a similar position so I was wondering if anyone could answer some questions.

My DH isn’t great at talking about his feelings but I know he’s struggling. What support did you find helpful?

My son is just a baby but I’d love him to have something to look back on when he’s older and asks about his granddad. Has anyone found anything other than photos that is something lovely to look at in the future?

And finally what do I need to know to be able to help everyone through this? Specifically any practical suggestions of things that need doing and where to access additional support.

I’m currently feeling numb so apologise if any of this is phrased badly. Thank you in advance and I’m so sorry for anyone else who has been through something similar.

[MyNameIsArthur]

Hi I'm sorry to hear about your FIL. You sound like a kind and supportive person and I can imagine you've probably already been a great support to everyone without even realising it. I thought I would bump up your post but also, if you are not already aware, here is the MacMillan Cancer Support website link. They are really helpful with advice for everyone affected. You or your husband or anyone can call them for a chat or talk with them online. There is also an online forum which you can join which is very helpful. Take care

Macmillan Cancer Support | The UK's leading cancer care charity

[coffeeisthebest]

So sorry you are all going through this. It helped me to hear as much as I could about what was going on with my Dad. I wanted to be spoken to bluntly about what was happening and it helped me enormously to then try and come to terms with the reality of it. I appreciate not everyone will approach it that way but that helped me. Also I was careful about who I shared my feelings with. I realised a lot of people expected me to be a certain way and I didn't have the additional energy to be like that with them, as every day, every minute really, I felt differently. I also second reaching out for online support and also if your father in law is under a hospice team we found it so helpful to talk to them. In terms of practicalities, we reached a point where there was nothing further that could be done and we just had to go with it. Dad didn't really need anything beyond the care that he was recieving so we just spent time with him and tried to talk to him and reassure him that we were there. It was a painful but looking back on it, extremely precious time. Take care of yourselves.

[PurpleSpottedLeopard]

@MyNameIsArthur and @coffeeisthebest thank you for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate your kind words. ❤️

[Sectionprep]

I'm currently sitting next to my beautiful mum who is on her deathbed, whilst my 3 week old baby is at home. I completely understand where you are and I send my love.

At the hospital, the bereavement team have given us knitted hearts for mum to hold that will go to her loved ones as a token to keep. Additionally they have given us a handprint mould kit with a clay section in a frame that we will ask the nurses to do for us when mum is a little less conscious - I wonder if this would be something worth exploring? Other than that, I would just say take as many photographs, videos and sound recordings - preferably surreptitiously so they are candid and convey who your FIL is. I'm so sorry for what you are all going through.

[Run4it2]

Also from the practical perspective, you could see if all paperwork is in order - a list of who utilities are with, bank account details, a will, and his wishes in terms of funeral arrangements. All very hard to do at this time, but will take some of the stress out of having to do everything once he has passed. Thinking of you

[RainbowRedPanda]

I think the best gift you can give is keeping his memory alive for your DS. My MIL died before our DC were born but we talk about her with them often, always comment if they are similar in some way to her. We have a few things that she bought for other people which we've given to the children but the main value in those objects, as I see it, is being a start of a conversation about her. Especially when the children are too little to appreciate the sentimental value of objects.

[Rocknrollstar]

My lovely dad died before the grandchildren were born but we have always had photos of him in our house and talked about him. I sometimes think the grandchildren believe they met him. I have explained to them what he taught me and how I think of him when I do certain things eg going to the opera.
On the practical side, if your FiL is going to be at home, make sure the GP has notified the district nurse team and the local palliative care team. Both were invaluable when my mother was dying. Also, make your sure your partner has told their father how much they love them and said everything they need to.