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Life-limiting illness

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Original poster

Cancer

20 replies

italiangirl87 · 08/09/2023 20:18

I'm a mess so I apologise if this makes no sense. I'm beside myself crying.
My mum had cancer. It was ovarian cancer and it spread to her other ovary and she had a hysterectomy. They found it had attached to her bowel and had part of it removed and wears a stoma bag.

Today she's been told it's spread to her kidney, her liver, her stomach and her spleen. She's been told she's starting chemo this weekend hopefully.

She has been told she's not got years left to live.

What the hell.

I don't know what this means. Will I lose her before Christmas? She's 56 years old!

Don't know what I'm asking. Will she live years despite what they say. I can't lose my mum!!!!

OP posts:

Rainbow1901 · 08/09/2023 20:39

It sounds as though the chemo being offered is palliative. It won't necessarily cure her but will probably extend her life expectancy so you can all enjoy more time creating happy memories.
You should be asking the oncologist about quality of life while on palliative chemo - some chemo is so brutal that the patients quality of life isn't pleasant for them or their family. They may choose to try it but decide that life is better lived without the chemo. At least they will enjoy their time left free of hospital appointments and can spend time with their family. Others will do the chemo and hang on to the end whatever the cost if they live life for longer with their loved ones. The life expectancy isn't necessarily definitive - some may go within months and others last many years with a cancer diagnosis - for some sheer strength of will keeps them going.
I'm not much help but you are feeling panicked right now - take the time to talk with your mum and see how she feels - probably shell-shocked right now! But she will need you and your family's love even more right now. I'm so sorry for you all.

Illtakethatnowalan · 08/09/2023 21:33

I'm so sorry OP. My lovely sil also had ovarian cancer she too had a hysterectomy but was recently told it had spread to her stomach and is stage four she's been offered chemo and I'm in the same position I don't know what it really means or how long she has I'm hoping someone with experience of this can tell us more about what to expect x

Original poster

italiangirl87 · 09/09/2023 02:54

@Illtakethatnowalan not sure how to private message but I'd love to chat to you more if that's ok c

OP posts:

4catsaremylife · 09/09/2023 04:52

I'm so sorry, my lovely new m died of a particularly aggressive breast cancer 18 months ago. She stage 4 was told 6 to 12 months. She lived a further 2 and a half years with really good quality life, so you never know.

4catsaremylife · 09/09/2023 04:53

4catsaremylife · 09/09/2023 04:52

*lovely mum

Original poster

italiangirl87 · 09/09/2023 06:36

@4catsaremylife had hers spread too? Sorry to hear about your mum. I've no idea how I'm going to cope. Did your mum end up having chemo?

OP posts:

blendedfamly · 09/09/2023 06:55

So sorry op, I lost my mum to lung cancer which spread in 2019. She was diagnosed in nov 2016, responded well to treatment but it spread in sept 2017 . After that she had more chemo, radiotherapy and some immunotherapy which helped her live a fairly normal life (barring many hospital appointments) in October 2019 she deteriorated and they decided that there was nothing else they could do and she died about 6 weeks later. We were lucky the 'end' wasn't too drawn out as it is hard to go through. And to watch someone go through. We were given the option of a hospice, home or hospital. Mum chose hospice and they were amazing. We couldn't have asked for a better quality of care.

You do have to weigh up quality of life vs meds as they can be brutal. Be kind to yourself during this tie. It's easy to get caught up in doing and being there for your mum. Don't forget to look after yourself and let people take care of you.

Original poster

italiangirl87 · 09/09/2023 07:12

I've two tiny babies to think about. She's just become a grandma. I feel so awful. I need support. I don't know what to do or where to turn to but I need some actual suooort groups or something

OP posts:

foretfauna · 09/09/2023 09:12

I'm so sorry OP. My mum has recently been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and has been given a up to 6 months without treatment or up to 12 months with. She is palliative care. She's only been offered chemo but is unable to start currently as she has a nasty infection and isn't able to have any immunotherapy due to the discovery of bone mets. The future is so uncertain and we are all scared, though mum is being very stoical. We are having to think about quality of life, rather than prolonging of life now.

Do you have a MacMillan team near you? We have a support service within the hospital but also on the MacMillan webpage you can search your area and it will show where there are local support groups as well.

4catsaremylife · 09/09/2023 12:40

italiangirl87 · 09/09/2023 06:36

@4catsaremylife had hers spread too? Sorry to hear about your mum. I've no idea how I'm going to cope. Did your mum end up having chemo?

Sorry this is going to be long. It was in her lymph glands and spine at diagnosis.
They started her on monoclonal antibody treatment because they couldn't give any more chemo as the first lot given a few weeks after the initial diagnosis sent her into AF and she nearly died.
The MABS slowed down the spread in her abdomen and bones she lived a very good life for over 2 years.
Sadly MAB treatment can't cross the blood brain barrier and eventually she got mets in her brain but she still trebled the amount of time initially expected from the palliative stage and was again well for 3 months after being given weeks.
We were told by the consultant in mid November that we should bring my brother over from Oz, where he lives, because in all likelihood she wouldn't see Christmas. LOL. She died on Mother's Day at the end of March.
The doctors can only give advice about time frames from their wealth of experience and it's important to understand that they know the disease progression pattern but your mum is an individual with her own pathology.

I know others, from working in healthcare, who have died unexpectedly swiftly. I'm afraid my advice is to live each week as if it's possibly the last.
Sending you all my love it's an awfully sad situation. I miss my lovely mum every day.

Original poster

italiangirl87 · 09/09/2023 17:29

I went to see her today. She was out of breath, pale and frail. Totally weak. Her legs had swollen up. Can the end come really fast. She told me she wasn't ready to go. And she wanted to be here with her kids and grandkids. My life is never going to be the same again. I'm distraught.

OP posts:

Abeli · 09/09/2023 17:45

I'm so sorry you are going to lose your mum so young.
Once cancer has spread it can't be cured, all they can do is prolong life. If they offer treatment such as chemo they must think there is something to be gained from it though. I wonder if you could go with your mum to her next appointment so you can ask questions?
My dad died only 5 weeks after being diagnosed so it can be very quick. Make the most of now.

Silkiebunny · 09/09/2023 17:52

I'm so sorry for your Mum and you. Unfortunately when it has spread that far there may not be that long left, speak to your Mum's oncology team. I had cancer at 48 with a 15 and 16 year old though thankfully not spread.

I think Homestart maybe able to offer help with your babies and also talk to your health visitor or GP to get support in place.

GrazingSheep · 09/09/2023 17:55

My heart goes out to you
My mother had 6 weeks between a cancer diagnosis and death at 58. I think we were all in a state of shock for a long time afterwards.

LetsPlayShadowlands · 10/09/2023 21:28

Thinking of you and your lovely mum. She's lucky to have you with her during this time xxx

middler · 26/09/2023 03:50

I am so sorry you face losing your mum at a young age. My mum also had ovarian but was older and all I can say is spend as much time as you can and express all your love for her in this time. It is not easy but you will get through it but just express your love for her now is my advice.

worldwidetravel2017 · 25/11/2023 22:18

So sorry to read this

Loubelle70 · 25/11/2023 22:20

Sending my ♥️ to you and your family xxx

Pinkpinkpink15 · 25/11/2023 22:39

@italiangirl87 I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum, she's so young. 🥲

I've had family/friends live a lot longer than initially estimated & sadly some live shorter.

my lesson from all of this is to think about the quality not the quantity. Spend as much time together as you are able to & want to, go as many places, do as many things as you can & she feels able to.

try not to think about 'lasts' but how good the time together is. Take photos & videos of her with you & your children.

if you can try to go somewhere she's always wanted to go. Maybe just the two of you.

your Mum is my age, poor Mum, it's just not bloody fair! Xx

Joystir59 · 02/12/2023 02:58

Make the most of the time you have with her now, as she may not have long. My wife died of stage 4 ovarian cancer 8 months after diagnosis and after having surgery and chemo- both brutal. The chemo gave her a brief uplift in quality of life but the side effects were very tough.

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