Major money dilemma with abusive terminally ill husband

[Earlgrey19]

My husband and I have been separated for around 14 months, we didn’t initiate divorce proceedings as he was diagnosed with terminal cancer out of the blue. We’ve never separated finances, and still operate from joint account. Kids age 4 and 7.

History of emotional abuse from him to me, but I’ve tried to be amicable for everyone’s sake, especially since diagnosis. He is very angry that I didn’t get back together with him, when diagnosed, though.

He's had a very substantial pension lump sum payout into joint account. He’s told me he wants to put it into a trust fund for the kids for when they’re over 18. I will be able to apply to the trustees for certain things for the kids. But I earn very little in my profession (he earned over 4x as much), so to me it makes sense that there should be more provision while the kids grow up. I think we should have at least dividends or equivalent paid to us regularly, even if the capital remains untouched, so that the kids’ childhood is more comfortable.

And actually legally the money is also mine at this point. We’re still married with shared finances.

Ive tried to talk about it with him but he shut me down at once, and when I pointed that out he got very angry and I got a stream of angry messages from him, criticising me, all day. I’ve arranged a solicitor appointment and a financial advisor appointment for myself. He refuses to talk to me about this matter, but has said I may email him. My experience of him is that he will dismiss anything I write and keep asserting his plan.

What should I do? The account the money is in can have a measure put on it that blocks him from emptying more than half the account, but I fear he may then retaliate with something.

[Sicario]

That sounds like a bit of a nightmare. Take legal advice as soon as you can.

[Discovereads]

I’d be treating his wishes concerning his pension lump sum as his last wishes or akin to a will. So with a bit more respect than the usual financial decisions that couples make.
I think the tax free lump sum is limited to 25% of the pension, so I don’t think that is an unfair on you amount to set aside exclusively for a trust fund for the children when they are adults. I don’t know if you need any dividends from it to help raise them as you will likely inherit the rest of his pension when he passes as well as any life insurance pay out (I’d be shocked if your DH who makes 4x what you do has no life insurance).
Those funds plus your income might be enough, but even if it isn’t, he’s still said that the trustees can approve sums if needed. I know you don’t want to be going cap in hand to trustees all the time, but I don’t think your two positions are that far apart. By all means talk to a financial advisor that is a good idea. Find out for 100% certainty whether you need these extra pay outs before pressing the issue.

[Earlgrey19]

@Discovereads It’s a “full commutation” payout with added incapacity pay to a large sum so very much bigger than the 25%. It’s quite unusual, I think, or at least I haven’t come across it before.

[Discovereads]

Wow did not know that. So, yes do the sums with the financial advisor to see exactly where you stand. Then press the issue if you need to. I’m sorry it’s such a stressful time for you.