Dh diagnosed with lymphoma last night

[GuyMartinsSideburns]

i think exhaustion from crying knocked me to sleep last night but now I'm wide awake and my headache won't go.

Feels like it's a nightmare, first doctor said gastritis back in jan, then recently possibly Crohn's disease, and yesterday dh got this diagnosis after further scans etc,

We're waiting for more tests to find out exactly what we're dealing with.

I'm so worried. My mind is racing like crazy and I can't help thinking the worst. We're renovating our first home at the moment and due to move in during the summer hols, dh has a business that I'm now wondering how will manage, and with moving I'm going to be alone dealing with this. That sounds selfish I know and isn't my intention, I'm just aware of how strong I need to be for dh and our children and I'm terrified of what might be around the corner and how il cope. I'm nc with my family.

I just can't believe this is happening. Dh is 38. Any hand holding would be really appreciated right now, sorry for rambling.

[GuyMartinsSideburns]

I think that's a good idea, il see what I can think of within budget. I feel better today, Dh is going to have the kids tomorrow so I can have a few hours and then hopefully a nice day together on Sunday.

Thanks very much for your replies, I guess these wobbles are to be expected occasionally.

[WordGetsAround]

That sounds exhausting and that you are touched / noised out.

Is it at all possible that you could plan a (long) weekend away in a few weeks to try and start your own recovery?

[GuyMartinsSideburns]

Hi word thanks for your reply. Feels like I just want a few days completely by myself tbh. Like I've been through this but I'm still being needed left right and centre, and I know that's the normal day to day stuff eg "muuuuuuum dd just hit me/where's my p.e kit/what's for tea" etc Like I've not had a 'gap' in between then and now to really get over it? I'm not even sure that's possible. Il go to my running group tonight which I really enjoy but il still come home to bloody mayhem. Might just keep running tonight You know that 'if I don't laugh il cry' thing? Think I'm there.

[WordGetsAround]

Hello again GuyMartin - great to see this popping up in active, although sorry to read you're feeling so down.

I really think that you are doing so well and need to go easy on yourself. If you step back and think about all the emotions you have been through over the last year, it is not surprising it will take a while to settle down. This is the longest period of 'normality' you have had and it must feel very strange.

I really hope you can give yourself space and 'permission' to go through all the emotions you need to go through so you can then settle into life as it now is. There are probably no short cuts - you just need to go with it. (Hope I'm still making sense).

You are also having to readjust your priorities - and I hope you are doing that. You can't put yourself at the bottom of the list forever, and now that your husband is better, you need to look after yourself more.

[GuyMartinsSideburns]

Just wanted to bump this, I'm not doing so well. I'm tired and snappy and my moods aren't too good. I'm still taking the citalopram and keeping up with my hobbies etc I just feel so low. I'm wondering if this is the 'crash' now that it's been 3 months, or maybe il now always get highs and lows? Understandably the support I had through dh's chemo has now quietened off, and I know people can't really 'help' me anymore, I just feel at a loss. It's hard to describe, maybe it's shock. It's when the enormity hits me. It bothers me that no one can know whether it'll come back or not, I know that's not possible but my god how do you get through the days with this on your mind constantly? I wish I never used to worry so much about stupid things! Though I guess at the time they were valid to me.

Sorry just a rambling post, toddler ds is asleep now so I think il try and nap too. I'm having early nights but I still feel so tired and my body aches. God knows what's going on. X

[Artistic]

Thank you, and good luck to you and your DH. Am sure you will emerge from difficult phase soon.

[GuyMartinsSideburns]

Artistic - thank you. I can believe that you suffered with stress after going through that. Dh seems to be moving on ok, we talk a lot about it but I think il always feel the effects of what's happened. I've put on weight, I'm often tired and I haven't slept properly in so long. I Know I need to be looking after myself better, il start with my diet. I'm glad to read that your mum is still in remission, long may it continue

[Artistic]

Hi GuyMartin, I just found your thread today and thought of saying Hi. Hope your DH is doing well and you are also doing better. My mum had NHL 5 years ago and I was her main carer. At the time my DD1 was 4 years old. Mum was very brave and took all the hardship. She is still in remission. But my health was really knocked down. I suffered all strange forms of stress and fatigue for nearly a year after mum recovered. I was seeing the GP every week and in the end referred to stress counselling as I had bottled up so much stress in being the 'strong one'. I am all good now, but just wanted to tell you to take care of yourself. Enjoy your family, pursue your hobbies and keep yourself healthy. A doctor once told me - if I had to choose a cancer for myself it would be NHL as it is highly treatable with a good success rate and decades (sometimes life long) of remission. I use this to cheer myself up when my mum goes for her annual check ups. Good luck to you both.

[GuyMartinsSideburns]

I need to make a dr's appt for a few weeks time so il ask her then, thanks.

[scotsgirl64]

Do you have anywhere locally that does mindfulness?..... This may help you cope with the scary negative feelings you have and let you live in the moment. It's a well recognised therapy which works....ask your GP or hospital dr about it x

[GuyMartinsSideburns]

Hello word. I was just about to post as I am struggling today, I've just had a huge sob in the kitchen I think it's prob a combination of things or the drop I was waiting for after the news of remission.

I've been having such a nice time with dh lately, hanging out and joking around like we used to. He's my best friend in the world, and enjoying our time together has made me realise how close I came to losing him, and at the back of my mind I'm convinced it's going to come back and kill him. I'm terrified. I know I'm thinking things I shouldn't be, I just can't help it today. I don't want to watch him get sick again, I don't want to watch him die. I don't want to be left here by myself with the kids and no one else, or have to go through life without him. I'm always going to be scared aren't I

If I didn't have toddler ds I think I'd just stay in bed today.

[WordGetsAround]

How you all doing?

[GuyMartinsSideburns]

Thank you all very much

[tattychicken]

Delurking to say you've been amazing, so delighted to hear the good news. It will no doubt take a while to sink in, to seem real. Just wonderful.

[Birgitz]

Brilliant news - so pleased for you both

[confusedandemployed]

I have lurked on this thread, but I am so, so happy to hear your news! It's just wonderful. for you and your family.

[1234hello]

Amazing news! So so pleased for you all. Agree about any emotion being valid. Hope you have something nice planned for the weekend.

[Twodogsandahooch]

Really really fantastic news Guy. Don't feel guilty for not feeling complete relief - you have all been through so much. Any emotion is valid at this point. It will get easier with time I promise. X

[ajandjjmum]

What a brilliant bit of news! I should think you both need a bit of time to let everything settle down - sawing wood sounds about right to me!

[GuyMartinsSideburns]

Thank you Word. Really don't know what to do with myself now! Think I'm just going to sit down for an hour before I go and pick the kids up. Dh has gone out to the garage to saw some wood

[WordGetsAround]

That is such wonderful news. It will take time to sink in - this has been your reality since August and it will take time for you to reorientate yourself. I'm sure you're right to say you're in shock - live with t news for a few days and I hope the relief will come

[GuyMartinsSideburns]

Appointment was promising and dh appears to be in remission! No sign of anything on the scan results. He's back in 3 months now for a check up.

I thought I'd be cartwheeling down the corridors upon hearing this news, actually I think I'm in shock and I can't help already worrying that it'll come back, or maybe the pet scan 'missed a bit'. Not trying to be doom and gloom, just weird that I don't feel as "phew this is over" as I'd hoped I would.

Wanted to thank each and every one of you for helping me through this time, I'm so touched that strangers on the internet have given their time to help and send encouragement and support to me. It's been a terribly worrying time, I know I won't stop worrying but you've all made things that much more bearable. Thanks so much xx

[GuyMartinsSideburns]

Thanks very much. Leaving shortly x

[ajandjjmum]

Hope you get positive news.

[WordGetsAround]

Hope you're managing to hold it together(ish) waiting for tomorrow! Update us when you can - really hope it's good news!