Am I ever going to be truly happy? I just realised I’m bi aged 48.

[ChocBanana]

As the title suggests really. At the age of 48 I have finally, consciously realised that I am bisexual. I’ve thought I was bicurious for years but have never acted on it, but recently I have accepted (if that’s the word) that there’s nothing curious about it, I’m 100% bi, attracted to and wanting to sleep with men and women.
The only person I have told IRL is my husband, who is surprisingly fine with it all and has said he will not stop me from sleeping with women, (he would draw the line at other men though, which is understandable).

My problem is that from all the reading I’ve done, being bi is very, very hard. I’ve accepted it’s not my fault I feel this way, and it is who I am. But I am obsessed with the idea of being with a woman, but also, frightened of the intimacy with someone I don’t want a relationship with, plus I do still enjoy hetero sex.
I also worry that I don’t want to break up my marriage to satisfy my sexual desires because that’s incredibly selfish (we have two school age kids) but also, I’m worried that society expects us to be one or the other, gay or straight and I don’t feel like either.
I don’t want to have to choose, but feel like I will never be happy or comfortable either way.
I’m also worried on the impact on the kids (I’m 99% sure my 14yo daughter is gay, we have kind of skirted around it and accepted it without her ever officially telling us) and she might see it as some kind of threat to her identity.

Are there any bi people out there who can convince me it will all be OK? Sorry for the rambling post but I’m still very new to this, and I am both excited and nervous about it all. To me it feels like it did when I was 17 and first discovered sex (with men) and had that optimism and glow, but with about a million other complications that come with age.

Any advice much appreciated, thanks.

[Roseandstar]

Hi, no advice as I’m a straight middle aged bore ! But just to say, congrats on sussing out who you are … life takes along time to allow us to do this. Hope someone more helpful rocks up soon x

[Sorrento79]

I think your happiness is dependent on satisfaction and contentment with your life as it is with the person you are with, not in thinking about or pursuing all the people who you have not been with. Does that make sense? What is it you feel is making you unhappy

[Inamuddle36]

OP Sorrento makes an excellent point. What is unhappy about your life at the moment? It sounds like you are able to communicate effectively with yo ir husband and it sounds like he is supportive and it sounds like you are still attracted to men (ie you haven’t developed a revulsion to men and just want to be intimate with women). So… perhaps I simplify but it sounds like you have just become curious about having a sexual relationship with a a woman — but not any particular woman, just the idea of a woman. That sounds to me like just a middle-aged “wondering what else is out there” — perhaps worth pondering or perhaps instead perhaps signifying you could and should focus on the good you have rather than imagine whether or not you might enjoy something/someone more.

if you had said “I am attracted to a woman at work (or at the gym or wherever) and she seems interested in me and I can’t stop thinking about her and want to explore the possibility”, my view (for what it’s worth) might be different. But your post sounds like you just have a vague idea that you might enjoy women, whilst not being dissatisfied with the relationship you already have.

[Hereforthebunfights]

Eh? Being bi isn't hard, it's just part of me. I'm in a long term monogamous relationship and very happy.

[purpledaze24]

There are plenty of bi women out there, and a lot of women your age who come out later in life. Try some dating apps like Hinge, HER and tinder but be upfront that you are looking for no strings. I’m curious as to why your husband thinks (and you think it’s understandable) that it’s ok to sleep with women but not men? Do you think there’s something “less” about sex with a woman? There’s not. Or does he (and you) think that you’re less likely to fall for a woman after sleeping with her? If you’re bi that will not be the case. In fact, it’s much more likely as two women tend to develop feelings much more quickly than a man and a woman do

[Roseandstar]

Popping back to check in and say how your feeling ok 👌

[Wolfwoman6]

Hiyya... Read your message and it's exactly what am feeling. 😊

[ShapelyCoarseStanding]

@ChocBanana and @Wolfwoman6 Are you still in the curious stage and dreaming about a woman or have you actually IRL snogged (or more) a woman?
Since divorce 5 years ago I have either been celibate or with women. Also I have been driven mad by women that contact me and then we get on well and on a 2nd date back out. "Ooh perhaps I'm not ready yet".
I don't mean they should or ought to have fancied me. Just decide if you are ready for sex or not but please do not tease.

[SpraggleWaggle]

Hi, OP. I'm bi and it's not hard at all. But also it's not an automatic free pass to sleep with people- I'm married and monogamous. So I'd maybe try to think a bit about what it is you actually want.

Your husband sounds very understanding. I would put some thought into whether this is genuinely what you want, because what you describe is basically a (one-sided) open marriage and that comes with a lot of complexity. I wonder whether that's what's worrying you more than being bi, because IME being free to sleep with other people (even if only female ones) is just as unusual for bis as straights. You don't automatically get a different fidelity for each sex you're attracted to, IYSWIM 😉Which is not to say that there's anything wrong with what you're planning, just that it's not part and parcel of being bisexual.

So in your shoes I'd take things slowly and try to work out what it is you actually want. Do you want an open marriage and on what terms, and does this only apply to you or also your husband? Or do you just want to know what sleeping with a woman is like and then go back to a monogamous relationship? You only really mention women in terms of sex- are you just thinking of hook ups or do you anticipate feelings being involved? Or maybe what all this is telling you is that your marriage is no longer fulfilling you and you need to make some more fundamental changes?

I'd take your time about it all, there's no rush. Might be worth talking to a therapist just so you have a sounding board, as you've only told your husband and I think it may be too much to expect him to be an objective guide. And if you do decide to go ahead and experiment, make sure you are 100% clear with the other woman about where you are (eg that you are married and just looking for something casual) as she will also be a person with feelings, not just an experience for you. Good luck with it all.

[SpraggleWaggle]

Just typed all that before noticing it's a zombie thread, fml.

[Startingagainandagain]

I don't think being bi is that complicated but I think it is fair to say that there is some stigma around it (including from gay people who see bisexuals as 'gays in denial' or people who just want to experiment and then go back to being straight...).

I was never attracted to women until I met someone when I was already 30 realised I was attracted to her. It is not unusual to realise late that you can be attracted to women as well.

[ShapelyCoarseStanding]

Hi @SpraggleWaggle Don't feel too bad. @Wolfwoman6 revived it and it sounds relevant to her, which is why I posted.
There are several of the Bi curious threads that have fewer than 20 replies. Maybe management could prune a few. They don't go anywhere or add to any ones understanding. IMO of course.

[ChocBanana]

@SpraggleWaggle

Just typed all that before noticing it's a zombie thread, fml.

Hi

Sorry, didn’t mean to turn it into a zombie thread but have been avoided Mumsnet because I have had some nasty (and downright creepy) messages and there are other more supportive environments out there is all.

[DuskyEvenings]

I'm 42 and realised I'm bi too this year. I'm married so won't do anything about it but if people ask/it comes up in conversation, that's what I say I am.

[Wolfwoman6]

@ShapelyCoarseStanding yes, i find that as well.... Am serious about these feelings and would help alot to build friendship with other women going through same @ChocBanana... Am exactly in same boat as you, am a 48 yo😊😄... 💕.. It's so comforting to hear that am not only one. 😊💕

[FreeTheWeatherfieldOne]

Hi OP,

I'm 42 and have known I'm bi forever but have never felt able to admit it or act on it until my 40s.
I have a fantastic male DP who is fully supportive of me and I have been actively dating women since Jan (was my new years resolution 🤣).
It's been a mixed journey (LOTS of biphobia on wlw dating sites plus women are terrible at initiating/maintaining conversations - MUCH worse than men on dating sites imo) but last weekend I had a fantastic date 😬.

Your situation is different to mine in that me exploring this has no impact upon my family (I have my DC, who aren't my DP's, 50/50 so have plenty of time for dating plus I don't live with DP).
All I can say is you don't want to get to your elder years and regret not having explored this side of yourself. I've found it hugely validating in terms of me finally understanding myself fully after all these years of low level denial.

And yes of course ENM/open relationships are difficult and not for everyone so it's for each individual couple to figure out whether it's something they are comfortable trying and what boundaries they agree on. Healthy communication is key imo.

Good luck however you decide to proceed x

[ChocBanana]

@Wolfwoman6

@ShapelyCoarseStanding yes, i find that as well.... Am serious about these feelings and would help alot to build friendship with other women going through same @ChocBanana... Am exactly in same boat as you, am a 48 yo😊😄... 💕.. It's so comforting to hear that am not only one. 😊💕

I have a couple of chat groups I’m in that are very supportive and entirely platonic. Feel free to message me if you want to know more.