Baby or no baby

[pmcknz]

Hey there.

I have 3 kids from a precious hetero relationship. I have been with my lesbian partner for about 4 years now. Our relationship is really fantastic, we communicate well, sort out disagreements easily and quickly and love each other so much. We have the same perspectives on life and want to grow old together.

At some point we discussed having kids and I was happy to have one together, which her carrying the child. Now I have made a proper 180o turn and I don't want to have an other kid.

Of course, my partner is very upset and doesn't understand why I changed my mind so suddenly and why I feel so strongly against it now. I don't completely understand either tbh. But that's how it feels now. I have a lot of childhood trauma and pregnancies and births of my kids were pretty bad. I feel like I am allowed to change my mind, it's such a big deal, and I also understand why she is so upset. She thought we were having a kid together and got into that mindset. We have appts with fertility clinics coming up.

I feel like the relationship has been damaged beyond repair. I mean, either she has the baby and it makes me unhappy, she doesn't have the baby and she is unhappy, we split up and we are both unhappy and my kids suffer in the process too, they are very attached to her.

No judgement here, no criticism, kind words only please.

[BattenburgDonkey]

I haven’t been in this situation, but you need to break up in my opinion. You’ve had your kids, and you promised her the same, she deserves to go off and have her own children, she shouldn’t consider your children in this decision as this isn’t her fault. She will most likely always resent you if you stayed together and she couldn’t have a baby. Why does you having bad pregnancies mean she can’t be pregnant? That must seem very unfair to her. It’s a total minefield I understand that, but her experience will probably be totally different to yours. I hope things somehow work out for you both OP

[HappyCup]

If you don’t want another child that’s absolutely fine, you’re allowed to feel that way.

But can see why she’s so upset. You told her you were on the same page about wanting children and so you both invested in the relationship. And now all of a sudden you want something completely different that would have potentially been a deal breaker originally. I’d be upset and angry at you too.

[allalila]

Would it be an option to have counselling together about it? To work through both of your feelings properly? Imo she is understandably upset at your '180° u turn and can't even quite say why'

[pmcknz]

@BattenburgDonkey

I haven’t been in this situation, but you need to break up in my opinion. You’ve had your kids, and you promised her the same, she deserves to go off and have her own children, she shouldn’t consider your children in this decision as this isn’t her fault. She will most likely always resent you if you stayed together and she couldn’t have a baby. Why does you having bad pregnancies mean she can’t be pregnant? That must seem very unfair to her. It’s a total minefield I understand that, but her experience will probably be totally different to yours. I hope things somehow work out for you both OP

She doesn't want to have a kid by herself. She's 32 now and doesn't want to leave it until later because of risks associated with age.
My bad experiences don't mean she can't get pregnant. I think I am projecting my trauma onto her.

[pmcknz]

@allalila

Would it be an option to have counselling together about it? To work through both of your feelings properly? Imo she is understandably upset at your '180° u turn and can't even quite say why'

I know she is understandingly upset about it and I respect that.
I don't know about counselling.

[pmcknz]

@HappyCup

If you don’t want another child that’s absolutely fine, you’re allowed to feel that way.

But can see why she’s so upset. You told her you were on the same page about wanting children and so you both invested in the relationship. And now all of a sudden you want something completely different that would have potentially been a deal breaker originally. I’d be upset and angry at you too.

I understand why she is so upset and I feel very guilty about it. I really did want a kid together when we talked about it.

[PeekAtYou]

Yanbu to change your mind but your partner deserves an explanation why. She deserves to know if it's because you're scared or you said it to make her happy etc

[girljulian]

If I was your partner, I would be devastated in this situation. It would be different if she had got together with you in the knowledge that you didn't want another child, but this isn't the situation. She loves you and you have a good relationship, but kids or no kids is one of the make-or-breaks and she will resent you forever if you stop her having her own child. And it will feel to her as if you "stopped" her doing it.

If you are absolutely convinced that you don't want another child, then you need to break up. She probably won't change her mind and why should she? It will always feel as if you got to have children and then you stopped her doing it.

[BattenburgDonkey]

I wasn’t suggesting you break up so she can have a child alone OP, I was suggesting it so that she can’t find someone who wants to have a family with her while she’s still young enough to. It seems a little unfair you aren’t sure about counselling either, are you sure you really want to be with her?

[HappyCup]

@pmcknz

I know she is understandingly upset about it and I respect that.
I don't know about counselling.

You potentially owe it to her to figure out and tell her why you’ve suddenly completely reversed your decision after being fully committed to it previously. Therapy (by yourself) could help you do that. Especially as you mention past trauma.

You should not feel pressured into having another child. But you could work out the reason you don’t want one in order to help her understand.

[Marty13]

Hey OP,

It sounds like a really tough situation to be in.

Of course you are allowed to change your mind, but I'll admit that the reason why seems a bit fuzzy. If you were carrying it would be understandable that you don't want to go through it again after past trauma, but she is the one carrying and there is no reason she'd have a traumatic experience. And even if she does, surely she understands the risk and it is largely her decision to make.

I wonder if what you're feeling isn't more likely to be :

• Fear of having to go through the baby stage again
• Fear of being tied to someone else through a child like you were with your ex husband
• Fear of losing your partner in childbirth ? Though you'll lose her anyway if you split over this.

I do think counselling is a good idea so that you can understand better where these cold feet came from, and move on with the certainty of having made the right choice - whatever you end up choosing to do.

Did something happen to trigger the 180 ?

[SarahAndQuack]

I think you are being very selfish. Sorry, but I do.

I think you are treating this situation as if you are the potential biological mother. You think if you agreed to something, you should get to suddenly and inexplicably change your mind. We would all agree with that if you were to go through pregnancy and birth, I'm sure - if you're the person who is doing that stuff, of course, you get to prioritise yourself.

But ... you're not that person. Your partner is. You told her you were happy for her to become pregnant, and you've been together for four years. It is not fair to allow your childhood trauma (which did not prevent you from carrying several children) to be the reason you veto her pregnancy.

OTOH, I do understand why, having had difficult births, you are stressed and worried. Would counselling be an option?

None of your reasons for wanting to back out of this agreement sound to me to be issues you both share - it's not as if (for example), you have a disagreement over whether you can afford a child, nor is it a situation where you can't agree on who'd carry the baby. You are really only saying that you don't want a baby because of your past experiences, and I think that can't really carry weight when you are not going to be the pregnant one.

If you still feel absolutely sure you can't do this, then you must be honest and tell her, asap. That's ok. But I don't think you can expect her to stay with you, when you've messed her around.