Poly queer relationship

[lilithxx16]

My son came out to me a year ago when his long term best friend asked him out. His boyfriend was agoraphobic at the time, so it was really just an online relationship and not physical. Then a girl, who described herself as gender fluid, starting spending a lot of time in their online chat. Since then, the girl has become transgender and now identifies as a boy. She/he was at college with my son and asked him out (they are 17). Now all three are in a poly relationship. I know he has been having PIV sex with the trans boy. Today all three have been up in his bedroom and engaged in sexual activity together. I think I am pretty broad minded but I am really uncomfortable with this. Am I being unreasonable?

[Inamuddle36]

You are not being unread si able. I would be very uncomfortable, too, but would not know what to do. I think we parents are under so much pressure now to be understanding and supportive and non-judgemental that we have great difficulty giving the advice we would like to give — and feel we should give — our children (even “children” who are approaching technical adulthood).
i am sorry I can’t offer advice. I hope someone else can help you figure out how to have a productive, supportive conversation with your son and, perhaps, help to guide him toward healthy personal and sexual relationships. (I am old-fashioned and don’t consider a threesome, especially amongst 17-18 year olds, to be very healthy.)

[Soontobe60]

No. No. No. I’d have gone in there and thrown the lot of them out!

[CarryonCovid]

YANBU to feel uncomfortable, there isn't much you can realistically do.I'd try to talk about safe sex and Contraception.

[spotcheck]

I think it's ok to ask your children to not be having sex with multiple people while you're downstairs....

[TracyMosby]

@spotcheck

I think it's ok to ask your children to not be having sex with multiple people while you're downstairs....

This. Bloody hell.

[grapewines]

@spotcheck

I think it's ok to ask your children to not be having sex with multiple people while you're downstairs....

This.

[SpaceshiptoMars]

I have this in my wider family and was really worried about what to do about the wedding invites. Young poly adult wanted invites for both the boyfriend and the girlfriend. Church wedding.....

They split up before the wedding, which solved the problem, but I'm feeling too old for this kind of thing!

[FrankLeeSpeaking]

If the issue is them being transgender, there is nothing you can do about that, and not anything you can do about the whole situation with the three of them, other than bar them meeting in your home.
If it's the sex in your home, of course you can address that. Your child is living in your home, so you can request them to respect your wishes/rules in that regard.

[MissStarry]

Yanbu to disallow a teenage thruple to have group sex in your house.

Not sure how you’d confront it; just upfront I guess but bit awkward all round! Just own it and initiate an awkward chat like American Pie dad would 😂

[TheFeministShrug]

The "gender identity" of these people doesn't matter. It's about as relevant as their favourite music genre.

The sex, however, is not on. Tell your son clearly that it won't be happening again and have a chat with him about contraception too.

[ExistentialApathy]

The gender id is relevant when it comes to safe sex though. It adds pregnancy to the sti risk.

You absolutely CAN have boundaries on activities in your house. Keep it factual and clear. E.g.

I noticed you and Fred and Billy were in your room this afternoon.

I realised it made me uncomfortable and since you are my son and this is our family home, I need to be clear on what I expect to happen/so we need to talk about some clear guidelines for having your partners here.

And then whatever the "red lines" are. E.g.

Condoms
Not while I'm awake etc

[lilithxx16]

Thank you. I think I am trying so hard to be accepting that I have let too much go. If I gently raise the subject he will say I am being transphobic or judgemental. Really I am just concerned about their wellbeing. I think I need to speak to him about boundaries.

[ChateauCat]

WTH?

With that level of <ahem> reproductive activity your son is obviously ready for his next step in life, get a job and fund his own place to live.

The phrase not under my roof seems apt.

[Neverreturntoathread]

Have you watched the sitcom Parks and Rec? There’s a subplot with a threesome so much like that! The situation is literally a comedy cliche. Anyway.

It’s your home, you should be comfortable in it. If he calls you transphobic say that’s a prejudiced insult and that you will not be insulted by your child.

So… Your (clearly straight) son is having sex with his girlfriend (who claims she’s a boy) and his best friend (previously a boyfriend in a non-physical sense 🧐) is also there doing who knows what. 🤷‍♀️ Watching? Seething with jealousy?

Maybe go old-fashioned and say no sex under my roof. Or say he can only have one of them at a time but you are not hosting threesomes. Say whatever you like. This nonsense of teenagers thinking they can police the language of their parents has gone too far.

If he thinks he’s grownup enough to host a threesome, then he can get a job and pay for a flat or a hotel or whatever.

I suspect what he really wants is a nice relationship with his girlfriend and to maintain his close nonsexual friendship with the best friend. Overcomplicating it a bit isn’t he.

[100problems]

Fuck that for a laugh OP, one foot on the floor at all times as DDads rule went.

[lemmein]

Bloody hell - I was sat on my bed watching eastenders with my boyfriend when I was 16 and my DM hit the roof!

You need to reclaim your home OP - they're taking the piss.

[TheFeministShrug]

Also, I am quite concerned for the welfare of this female. Do her parents know that she's having a threesome with two males?

[Ihatethenewlook]

Oh stop feeding the troll. No way was the op sat listening to a full on orgy in her kids room and she can’t even tell if they were girls or boys 😂

[ZealAndArdour]

Teenagers will do what they do, but having a bloody threesome in your mums house and then telling her about it seems very fucking unreasonable!

I’d advise your son to make sure he is using protection with both partners, and that the trans boy is very definitely still biologically female so pregnancy is a risk with either of the boys she’s sleeping with.

[EmmaGrundyForPM]

Assuming this isn't a wind-up, how do you know they were having sex? If you could hear them then you absolutely need to have a conversation about boundaries and respect.

[LetitiaLeghorn]

Your kid is having a threesome in his bedroom and you're worried about him calling you judgemental? You blinking well should be judgemental and judge that it is unacceptable behaviour on his part and say it's not to happen again.

[Bloodybridget]

@Ihatethenewlook OP didn't say she couldn't tell if they were boys or girls, she said clear what sex they were: two males, one female who now identifies as trans/male.

[Echobelly]

I'd have a serious word about this given that grown adults can seldom manage poly relationships without serious emotional fallout, and it's a recipe for disaster with teens. As it is, all you can probably do is be there when things go south and counsel him against overly complex relationship set-ups in future.