Help pls.... Third baby and mental health

[freezerdinners]

Hi,

I'm 40. Just had our planned third baby, other kids are 7 and 5.

I can't shake the horrible feeling that this has been a mistake. I keep thinking of all the things we won't be able to do, either because we are a 'larger' family or because we have a little one in tow. I worry about my career. I worry about my attention and relationship with the older two. I worry about everyone else moving into a new phase now that their youngest are in school and we are starting it all again. I feel so old now (strangely didn't during pregnancy) and feel like I'll always feel like an outlier - the old mum who is stuck with the young child when everyone else my age has moved on.

I knew all this before getting pregnant, but worried then about the regret if we didn't try for a third. I also thought 'you never regret a child' and when I'm 60, 40 would seem so young. I really love my baby, but have moments of real panic now that this was the wrong thing to do. I'm not feeling as I expected I would.

I guess I'm looking for some.reasurrance that I haven't messed up. That I will feel better. What can I do to get to a place of happy acceptance? Is this normal? Has anyone else felt like this or been ina similar situation. How do I get through these moments of feeling I've done something stupid?

Please be kind. I feel.awful to feel this way and am berating myself harder than anyone else can. I didn't think I would feel like this and am worried about never feeling better.

Thanks in advance xx

[BurningBenches]

I'm sorry you're feeling so low. How long ago did you have your baby?

I had my fourth last summer, aged 40. My older ones were 19, 10 and 8 at the time so big gap. He was desperately planned for but came along later than I'd hoped. I did have cold sweat moments of what have I done when I was pregnant but, he's now 16m and I'm 12wks pregnant. He is very loved by his siblings, my youngest particularly adores him. Covid aside he very much has had to fit around their activities but also I love having 9-3 with him while they're at school.

Could you speak to your HV?

[Debradoyourecall]

I felt the same when I got home from hospital with my second child. That I’d made a big mistake. The situation felt so daunting and permanent. I felt better as time went on and I adapted and got to know her better. It’s very early days for you by the sounds of things, lots of hormones and you’re still recovering. Try to take each day as it comes x

[Anordinarymum]

I was 33 when I had the first and 37 when the third was born. He never slept and I was permanently tired. When he was 12 days old my oldest started nursery, and when he was twelve months old I went back to work.

I just remember being a mum and not anything else for a while but it did not last.
The third child was the most loving and sweet natured of all three and he was a bit clingy too, but I never regret any of it now.

Each stage of development is interesting if you can take the time to look at it and I always think to myself that having more children is easier than just having one as they all bring each other up by learning from each other; especially the baby, who seemed to grow up a lot quicker by playing with his siblings and learning more from them than from anything I ever did.

[Anordinarymum]

And also.. there are lots of older mums these days, so no feeling left out really.

[MinnieJackson]

Ok how old is your new baby? Do you have help? Do your other kids accept and maybe even like the new baby? There's nothing you can't do lady so don't ever put yourself down! I always worry about giving them time one on one.I know You said you're 40, that's still young! does baby have a name?.obviously you don't have to say lol.
I have three boys and they drive me mad! But when my boy was 6 weeks old I took him on holiday, and had a good time apart from a 10 hour journey back from our Cornwall

[shehadsomuchpotential]

My son is 10 and there are at least 3/4 other sets of parents from class turning 50 this year. So you are not alone.

There will be challenges that you describe like the oldest two wanting to go to a theme park etc and the youngest not being able to enjoy it fully. But there will be many more blessings.

Make sure you enlist the help of grandparents (when possible) so you can do age appropriate activities with the older ones. And make sure you share all baby duties with DH so you have that full flexibility of all going together/some stay some don't. Otherwise you risk watching them all going off to have fun whilst you stay home and compound your feelings.

You started talking here, keep talking-to friends and DH. I imagine its a feeling that will pass. Try and walk a bit to clear your head x

[freezerdinners]

Thank you so much all. There are some good reassurances here, and just what I needed to hear.

Baby is 2 months, so definitely still early days. Someone posted about getting to know the baby more and I think that's true - as character develops more they become more.and more part of the family, whereas at the moment he's mainly my little thing to feed and cuddle and I can feel.trapped by that.

I think covid is probably compounding my feelings too - difficult to engage in things that would normally help me feel better.

Had a walk yesterday which helped.

It's just those night time hours that I can feel so bad.

@BurningBenches your experience has been helpful, thank you. It is good to hear of positive sibling relationships. Congratulations on the pregnancy too x

@Anordinarymum your last paragraph is just what I hoped for. Thank you. Hoping we will get there!

@shehadsomuchpotential thank you, some good tips there and easy to lose sight of myself - good reminder to not just stick with baby which is so easy to do. And reassuring to hear of older parents at school gates!

@MinnieJackson yes! He has a name ! Big kids do like him.... I guess he's still so little that they don't yet get much interaction.... He's 2 months. Thanks for saying 40is young!!!!

Thanks again all I really appreciate xx

[MinnieJackson]

How.are you getting on? Xx

[Himawarigirl]

I hope it will get better for you. I also had my third baby at 40 and I do feel older and creakier lugging him around and doing the nights in the early months. But with my older two at school we get so much time together that I really appreciate now he is that bit older (17 months). I found the first year of all my babies super tough, but things definitely felt easier with this one by 6 months. And by now he has one nap in the middle of the day while the kids are at school, or when they are home it is time with them. So there is less juggling naps around school runs. We are aware of how much easier things could be if we had stuck at 2, as we had a stretch of time with kids out of nappies and buggies etc when things felt freer and easier. Now we are back in all that and it does feel a little limiting at times but most of the time we adore him and are so glad he is here. Also, I only fell head over heels for this one around 4 months, before that it was strong affection and a responsibility. Once I fell in love with him things felt better too.

[Himawarigirl]

Also the sibling love is huge - makes it all worth it!!!

[freezerdinners]

Hi again,

@MinnieJackson thanks for checking in. Up and down still really. I'll think I'm ok, and then someone will make a really unhelpful comment about how brave I am or sharing their reasons for not having more children..... I don't know why people, some I barely know, feel I need to hear this stuff!

@Himawarigirl thanks for sharing your experience... It's really good to hear. Reassuring that things change and develop over time. The bigger two definitely love him loads already so it will be nice to see that develop.

[Himawarigirl]

I don’t know if it’s the case for you but none of my close friends had babies by the time I had our third. My older two are the same age as yours and I think some of my friends thought I was mad. So I did find that hard early on, a feeling of behind left behind a bit when they chatted and had coffees while our older kids did ballet and things like that and I paced round the park with the baby. And also missing my kids as my husband did stuff with them while I did baby stuff. Things like that will affect your mood. That did change as the baby got older, we could chop and change who was with which kids and also do stuff together more, and also I got to know people with kids his age (thank you covid and all of us being in the park every single day!). So having people at the same stage to chat to, rather than just friends who vaguely remember it has been really nice also. But that didn’t start to happen until he was old enough to have a swing in the playground and things like that. Hang in there, I honestly can’t remember month two, think it was school summer holidays but we survived day to day! And 6 months was definitely a milestone for us. My DH and I both felt we came out the other end of a tunnel at that point. We had two weeks of enjoying it and then.....covid. Thinking of you.

[QuentinWinters]

Sounds like maybe PND - often kicks in at 6-8 weeks
I have three, two eldest 2 years apart then a five year gap. Sometimes I wonder what life would be like now without the youngest (my elder two are teens).
But....its been so good for my elder children to have their brother. They look after him loads. They can babysit so things are much easier with him than they were when my eldest was his age.
8 weeks is peak newborn angst time in my opinion. Hang in there, you made the right decision for you, have faith. But please do consider talking to the gp about PND

[freezerdinners]

Thanks again. It really helps to hear your positive experiences.

Can it be PND if it comes and goes? Sometimes I feel fine, but other times it hits me and takes me by surprise. Like today. I had a good sleep, we're doing nice things, but I'm having to do battle with worries about what we may or may not be able to do in the future. It's exhausting.

[QuentinWinters]

I think it can be up and down. I had it badly after my second child but the health visitor thought it had probably been untreated from my first so it can hang around
You could try this then consult your gp depending on the answer.
psychology-tools.com/test/epds

[freezerdinners]

Thanks @QuentinWinters that is a useful link. I did the questionnaire (twice!) And both times it said my score was indicative of depression, BUT I am right near the bottom range so close to 10. So it's probably something to keep an eye on, it's useful to have a potential explanation rather than blaming myself.

[freezerdinners]

Hi again,

I just thought I'd do an update in case it's at all useful for others. I've often followed threads and wondered what happened..

I'm feeling much better. I love baby so so much and he's a joyful addition to our family. The older ones bring him so much joy and vice versa. As he's got bigger we are able to do more as a family, and after I've done things once (eg trip away, bike ride, walk etc) they don't seem so insurmountable.

I think I was experiencing some level of pnd, that has thankfully passed with time. Also first six months with a baby are full on, made worse by a miserable winter lockdown and I had forgotten how all consuming it can be and how relatively little you get back from them. I lost all perspective I think. Now he's bigger he's so much more interactive and it feels much more like I expected.

So, thank you ladies for your support on here. It really really helped to hear some calm experience and advice from you all.

[Sunshinedrops85]

Glad to read that you're doing better OP.

[Himawarigirl]

Really glad to hear you are doing better. Your feelings sound similar to mine early on. Now our ‘baby’ is turning 2 next weekend. It goes so fast!!

[clothpeg83]

Thanks for updating OP, as someone who is considering a third it's really helpful to hear what it can feel like in those early weeks and months. Xx

[TheMagicDeckchair]

Thank you for updating @freezerdinners. I have 3, a 3.5 year old and 4 month old twins and it’s hard, exhausting and relentless right now! I keep hanging onto the hope that things will be easier at 6 months, a year etc and this gives me reassurance.

[Honestmumof2]

I know this is an old post, but just wanted to see how you’re getting on? Hopefully everyone is blossoming beautifully x