Might start trying for a third - big gap

[okimighthavenamechanged]

Hello - seems like my husband is finally prepared to consider a third child... After much angst. DC1 is just 6 and DC2 will be 5 in August. I am 39.... Am I totally crazy? We always thought we'd probably have three then husband back-tracked majorly - because of financial reasons and the recession, I think. (We both work in the city and his job is particularly sensitive to financial conditions - but he still has one 6 years after all that).

I've been actively (on and off) campaigning for one since youngest child was one...

Somebody please tell me that DC3 won't feel like an only child with knackered older parents who will be senile before he/she is a teenager.... Of course, might not be able to conceive so easily now and husband hasn't yet totally come round (although i suspect he will).

And that DCs 1 and 2 won't resent me/us for bringing a pesky baby into the house and diluting the attention they get.

I'm the eldest of 3, by the way. 2 years between me and my nearest sibling and 8 years between me and my youngest. My mother was quite ill for a few years when the youngest sibling was born so think that sibling did suffer from disengaged parents and no siblings close in age to play with.

Maybe I'll have to have another two children in quick succession .

I work part time by the way -
'downgraded' my career so I could do something with more reasonable hours that allowed me to spend more time with the children.

Any thoughts??

(By the way, don't think families of 5 are particularly 'large' but this seemed the best place to get friendly advice about having more than two children...)

[ILoveCoreyHaim]

I done it for nothing and was expected to, i would have done in happily for cash

[BadRoly]

Interesting the comments about caring for younger siblings - can I ask if you were paid as if you were a babysitter or if it was just expected?

I'm thinking that in a couple of years, dc1 will be the same age as our babysitter is now. Presumably if we treat dc1 as we do the babysitter (ask if she's free, negotiate payment) that makes it different? Or not?

[stottiecakes]

I am the eldest of 4, 3 younger brothers. One is only 3 years younger, the next 2 there is big gap. They were born when me and my brother were at senior school. He ended up having to share a bedroom with 2 toddlers so it affected him more than me although it was a huge change in dynamics in the house. I had 2 and had a 3rd and was totally unprepared for the change, shes completely different to the other 2, screams and fights with them. She's very stubborn and demanding. Its getting better but it is much harder with 3 than 2 for me. This is just my experience

[Owllady]

Mine were 7 and 5 when the third was born and I don't think the gap is too big

[Passthebiscuitspls]

I appreciate all these stories on everyone's experiences of being part of a three child family. I can see that each experience is totally different with different age gaps and ways the parents have handled it.
What I do know that there can be big problems between families with 1 child, 2 children, 3 children and so on. Therefore, I don't think the problem is how many children you have, it's how you handle them and nurture them and their environment. I for one am certainly not put off by these stories, it just makes me certain I'd handle things differently. There's a 4yr gap between my first two DC and they get along really well, you can't generalise at all! ;)
Xx

[davidjrmum]

My 3 are 27, 15 and 6 so big gaps all the way along. They all get along really well though (helps that they all love playing computer games!). Was interested in comments above re older siblings possibly resenting younger ones because they are expected to help look after them. We have never expected our older ones to look after the younger ones - that's our responsibility. I hadn't really thought about it before, but maybe that is one of the reasons that they do all get on so well. Only negative is that I'm definitely more tired now (had 3rd when I was 42) and would be nice to have a bit more energy, particularly with a little boy who wants to play football in the garden all the time!

[weatherall]

I have a 5yr gap between mine and they play together and get on well.

Sometimes the older one does remark that we could do more one on one grown up stuff if the younger one wasn't around but I still think it's better than being an only child.

Congratulations OP on your pregnancy btw!

I'm planning a 3rd after a much bigger gap. The way I see it is that they will spend more time as adult siblings than as children and this is the sibling relationship I fell I have really missed out on being an only.

[morethanpotatoprints]

hello OP

we have 3 dc ds1- 22 ds2 - 19 and dd - 10.

Now that is a big gap. We have had no major problems but dd does miss ds1 now he is practically never here, but so does ds2 so that's inevitable whatever age, I think.

[littlepeas]

Slightly different, but I had 3 under 3 (13 month and 22 month age gaps) and am now pregnant with dc4 - age gap will be 3 years 3 months between dc3 and dc4. I worried about it, but wanted another and wasn't ready until now - I think it will be fine, families come in different shapes and sizes. Congratulations :)

[dinkystinky]

OP - I have an 8 year old, a 5 year old and a 9 month old and ds3 really completes our family. Ds1 and ds2 are really loving and caring towards him and dh and I are trying to ensure we give all 3 boys individual quality time with each of us to avoid sibling jealousy - I have to admit having 3 children at different stages is tiring and involves a lot of juggling but it is so so worth it.

[Misfitless]

There's almost 6 years between me and my only sibling (I'm the youngest.)

Looking back, as a parent myself, I don't think my parents invested enough time into making sure that my sister didn't feel pushed out/jealous and/or resentful. Consequently, she felt all three big time, until she reached her late teens/early 20s.

I don't remembering them nurturing our relationship at all, and they weren't ones for spending time with us.

My mum also put too much responsibility on my sister, I think. Looking back, as an adult and parent, I think if I'd have been my Dsis, I'd have resented me too.

For example, she was expected to take me out for the day, when she was about 14, even younger, so that my mum could have time to herself , but then, that kind of thing was probably acceptable in the late 70s and 80s .

If it had all been handled differently, I doubt that the resentment/jealousy would have ever been an issue, and we'd have been much closer as children.

So, it wasn't down to the age gap as such, but to how my parents handled the age gap, I think, and their whole approach to parenting, and personalities, of course.

As parents now, I think most of us are more mindful and pro-active about trying to encourage good relationships between our children, and ensuring, to the best of our abilities, that older siblings feel especially loved and special when new babies come along.

Even though it didn't work for us, I think a 5/6 year age gap could be a really positive dynamic.

My Dsis and I are close now.

[okimighthavenamechanged]

Ok

[Misfitless]

Congratulations, OK !

[okimighthavenamechanged]

I'm really sorry you feel your parents were so inconsiderate. I thought you meant it was inconsiderate to even have another child if there's an age gap of 5 years. Which upset me a bit.

My youngest sibling doesn't seem to feel like you did so maybe my parents had a different attitude. I certainly remember my younger siblings' friends joining their camping holidays when I felt 'too grown-up' for a family holiday, for example. And we both loved it when the youngest sibling came to visit for weekends when i was at university - my mum put the youngest on a non-stop coach at one end and I collected at the other.

Anyway, I do appreciate there are issues to handle. However, I have a more volatile relationship with the sibling who is closer in age so I guess quite a bit can come down to personalities as well as age gaps and birth order.

[EllieQ]

I did miss that you were pregnant - congratulations. But I stand by what I said. Your experience of a big age gap would have been quite different to mine, as you had a sibling close to your age (something I always wanted).

It's true that my parents didn't handle the issues that well (something I've only realised as an adult). Some of it was due to things out of their control - I would have loved to bring my best friend on holiday with me, but my parents never suggested it. I think they wouldn't have been able to afford it, and I suspect her mum wouldn't have been able to afford to pay for her to join us. But they just didn't think about the resentment my sisters felt having to look after me, how lonely I was at times (they didn't do many days out or activities, so I spent a lot of the school holidays at home, usually reading), that kind of thing.

I decided to post because I've read through several threads where the OP has asked a similar question, and all the responses have been positive and mentioned things like 'your older children will adapt, and it will be easier for you as they can help out'. No-one ever seems to think about whether the older children will end up resentful of the baby, or how it feels to be the youngest by several years and feel left out of everything exciting that your older siblings are doing, or never having a close relationship with siblings that they have with each other simply because you didn't spend that much time living together at home. As in my previous post, I hope you and your DH can be more considerate and thoughtful than my parents were.

[BadRoly]

Oh missed your update - congratulations

[BadRoly]

We've ended up with 4dc because dc3 was a dream (lulled us into a false sense of security) and I worried about her being on her own! Just saying

[okimighthavenamechanged]

Excuse typos - on phone...

[okimighthavenamechanged]

Gosh. Well, I have thought about it long and hard. There are similar gaps between me and my siblings (one two years younger, one eight years). I get on extremely well with both and always have done (if you ignore the competitive bickering with my little sister who is two years younger). I was obviously aware that that sort of gap can cause problems but it doesn't always - or cause them in the majority of cases necessarily. Sorry you have had such a miserable time.

Since I'm already pregnant I don't feel in a position to reconsider so have appear to have doomed my two existing children and my (hopefully) future third child. But you might have missed that bit of the thread.

[EllieQ]

As someone who is the youngest with a large gap between me and my older sisters (6 and 8 years), I'm afraid my perspective is not so positive. I have always felt left out as the 'baby' of the family. My sisters might have enjoyed having a baby to play with, but as teenagers who were expected to babysit instead of spending time with their friends, they were (understandably) resentful.

The large age gap meant we didn't have much in common, and by the time I was a teenager they had left home, so we've never been as close. I felt as though I was an only child and holidays with my parents were lonely. There was some resentment as my parents had more money and gave me more freedom as a teenager than my sisters had had.

My sisters are I get on better now that we are all adults, but I'm not as close to them as they are to each other, and that still hurts a little if I'm completely honest.

Please think about the issues I've mentioned and be more considerate than my parents were.

[okimighthavenamechanged]

Thanks passthebiscuits! Fingers crossed for you. And everybody else TTC number 3. (The decision to try for a third definitely caused us the most angst - other couples must go through similar processes...) Have now just read that more than 50 % of early pregnancies don't stick in women of my age. I remain stubbornly optimistic!

[Passthebiscuitspls]

Wowser!! That was amazingly quick! Congrats, fantastic news! So super pleased for you, I'm sure it will stick.

Ha ha, bet your DH was shocked! ;) no going back now!

Fingers crossed I'm next! Xx

[okimighthavenamechanged]

Eeek - pregnant already . Remarkably efficient.... (Quickest conception ever! Poor husband ) Might not stick but I'm feeling optimistic... Passthebiscuits - good luck! Keeping fingers crossed for you xx

[okimighthavenamechanged]

Sorry ! Tiredemma!!

[okimighthavenamechanged]

Ah. Lovely to hear tiredmama... Good name .