Stupid things people say about infertility...

[alarox]

This week from MIL:

"Infertility is nature's way of telling a couple they don't belong together."

She doesn't know DH and I have been TTC unsuccessfully for nearly three years. She said this about her friend's daughter who has endometriosis. Apparently if she met the right man, the endo would magically disappear

Another gem from a friend who has switched to a gluten free diet:

"People struggling to conceive should give up gluten. They'd get pregnant then."

She doesn't know we're TTC either. Don't want to be pestered to give up the things I love!

What stupid things about fertility have you all heard?

[victoria401]

I actually had the "you never know, it might happen once you stop trying" from one of my closest friends the other day, even though they know dh's sperm is 100% useless!

Also my mother asked me the other day if she "could tell the family" the truth now instead of saying I was a career girl! I bloody said no! She even said it with a kind of excitement in her voice as she loves a good gossip with her sisters! She had no idea!

[bessie84]

good lord, these comments have shocked me. hugs all round ladies.

the "you trying too hard" gets to me, how the feck are we trying too hard!!!!!!!! or "when you stop trying, it'll happen" REALLY.

blooming heck......... x

[lildottie]

oh god. just went on fb and someone has posted:

you can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one

umm I'm not finished with this chapter yet!

[lildottie]

hi all. glad to see there are worse idiots out there than the ones I know. makes me feel "lucky" lol!

sil has a 1yo who I look after once a week and she knows outlr troubles. she likes to tell me "its good practice for you" I don't need f'ing practice, there were babies in the house through my teenage years (half Bros) what I need is a baby of my own, I've had plenty of practice.

I also think I may hit the next person who tells me to relax and it will happen - my best friend who gets married in a few weeks and is going to start trying then. she also knows of our issues. OK bitch, come back to me after 2years of ttc and say that!

caveat: I don't really wish this on her or anyone but feels better to get that out!

[Greyhound]

Tanacot - unbelievable!

I once worked in an office (whilst going through recurrent miscarriage) and there was this awful woman who had a sweepstake re who would be next (at work) to have a baby. I dreaded her talking about it and refused to have anything to do with it.

[Tanacot]

I know, right? It's got so many levels of wrong in it. I'm sure you could write a paper! See how the aging, childless woman is depicted as monstrous, and, crucially, selfish-- she consumes to the point of immorality (the modern wanton being the glutton and sloth) as she drives the man to suicidal despair. She is a failed mother, and therefore woman and therefore human being.

It's really interesting actually, I think, as a cartoon because it unconsciously exposes a lot of cultural baggage hanging around anyway, not just in my ex-friend but generally in society. I went back and looked over it after I disengaged from the ex-friend and it really struck me - I do think sometimes jokes are very revealing.

[Phoenix2014]

Tanacot your ex-friend is toxic. That is not funny on any level whatsoever.

[Tanacot]

The worst is from parents of young children. Four or five of my friends have told me I am lucky. But...ach, you know, I do swallow hard and forgive them as I have lived through extreme sleep deprivation myself and I know it makes you do and say mad things in desperation. And people don't mean the stupid things they say mostly. It's just not thinking.

But another woman, mother of two, I know, who I actually just chucked as a mate as soon as she did this, posted this cartoon (excerpted for your convenience) at Christmas on Facebook and they all had a good laugh. She then told me I was oversensitive for objecting. I am, er, not a sensitive soul, truth be told, but wow! Haterade!

[Phoenix2014]

On telling a friend we were beginning IVF:
"You never do things the simple way do you!"
WTAF!?!?

From the sonographer at the fertility dept in a bored Friday afternoon tone:
"Well all the bits are there, they just don't do what you want them to!"
YES REALLY!!!

Someone else at work two days after I returned from a miscarriage:
"What a shame you don't have kids, you'd be lovely"

Big un-MN hug to all, whatever stage you're at...

[Trazzletoes]

My DS will not be able to father children naturally if he grows up (aggressive chemo). This thread is really helpful. I want him to grow up knowing it but for it to be as normal as poss for him and to support him in any alternative options he has.

[Greyhound]

Thanks Purple - I agree with you.

[purplemeggie]

Oh Greyhound - a health visitor really ought to know better

[Rumplestrumpet]

Wow, ladies, I'm gobsmacked at some of these comments, and really feel I've been let off easily! After more than 2 years TTC I've had my fair share of "when are you going to start a family" (my DH's response : "we ARE a family").

I also hate the fact that DH's family think that we're delaying having kids because of my career, and so often frown upon my success, or take the effort to ask me (again!) "how old are you now?" as if I needed reminding! But also I find new acquaintances tend to ask the same Qs - "Are you married? Do you have kids? No? Oh, how old are you?" with the obvious implication that we ought to hurry the hell up. Don't they get it?!!?

canIsay I also remember being that annoying 20 yr old asking other people when they'd have a baby - "don't leave it too long!". Certainly getting my comeuppance now!

MrsHY1 - I nearly fell off my chair! I don't think I could carry that off, but I'll hang on to it incase I get pushed to my limit ....

[Greyhound]

It doesn't stop when / if you are lucky enough to have a successful pregnancy. A neighbour looked at my bump (after four miscarriages) and said "Try not to lose it this time!".

I found being amongst women at antenatal group a bit strange because they all looked uncomfortable when I mentioned my miscarriages. I didn't form any friendships there.

I also felt uncomfortable when my HV visited me in my last trimester and announced that this baby was "meant to be". All my babies were meant to be

[nolly3]

yeah. a mate - she was pissed.

[MrsHY1]

Who ON EARTH had the balls to ask you if you were masturbating too much Nolly???!!?

[purplemeggie]

Nolly Why don't you just have an affair? WTF????

[nolly3]

this is a brilliant thread. love the comebacks

my favourite tactless comments so far:

why don't you just have an affair?

are you masturbating too much? because it can make your bits too acidic (nb this is bollocks, panic not)

in addition to many of the below...

[MrsHY1]

One for the list of comebacks to insensitive comments on fertility (warning, not for the faint-hearted):

When asked whether we were pregnant yet/ whether we were planning to be etc etc I had been known to reply "well, it's something we're thinking about, but to be honest, I love it up the bum so much that I'm reluctant to do it the old fashioned way." (Said very airily as if discussing the weather). That shut them up pretty quickly

[HopefulHamster]

'Just relax'
'Oh my friend was infertile and they started treatment and just before they had it they got pregnant!'
'You're trying too hard'
'Have you tried putting your legs in the air afterwards'
'Ah, you've had a miscarriage. But at least you got pregnant!' (Bear in mind they NEVER say this to a fertile woman, so ultimately they end up consoling someone who is fertile over a miscarriage, and saying 'never mind' to someone who struggles to conceive in the first place!)
'You could just adopt' (Because a) it's easy and b) the duty of infertile people and c) so many fertile people do it - yeah right)

I've had all the above said to me. I'm very very lucky, I had my son after 2 x IVF and am pregnant again following a miscarriage inbetween. But I think I will always have an 'infertility mindset' which no doubt some people would find terribly sad, but a part of me still does a little internal self-pitying cringe when I see pregnancy announcements or people being really blase about having babies.

[mawinter]

When telling people it is impossible to get pregnant naturally I often hear - "everything is possible dear".
Then if I explain things I get back - "Stranger things have happened!"

[resipsa]

Everything happens for a reason.

No, it fucking doesn't. In 6 years we have seen; my Dad die, my being left with a permanent facial disability (random), 3 miscarriages. No reason for any of it.

[ChoudeBruxelles]

Mine and dh's difficulties trying to conceive a second time we're clearly less important that sil, as we already had one. No matter that it took us 4 years to get pregnant with ds. I was told that I didn't joke what it was like to really want a baby and not be able to have one

[CanISayOfHerFace]

When I was about 20 I was guilty of asking a colleague repeatedly when her and her husband were going to have a baby. One day she said to me "It's really rude to keep asking me that. For all you know we might not be able to have children." Well did that shut me up! I was mortified and rightly so. I never asked anyone this again.

After TTC for 3+ years I heard it all. Someone even recommended I get a puppy as their friends had been trying for 10 years and had given up but after they got the puppy they ended up pregnant. Well okay then. I'm sure that was directly related!

With regards to the old favourite of being told to relax and being too stressed to get pregnant I eventually started reeling off the stock reply "Stress does not cause infertility, infertility causes stress".