Do you tell people the truth about why you haven't had a (or another) baby yet?

[queenrollo]

Because I've started being very blunt with people when they ask. I'm sick of infertility being some kind of taboo that should only be talked about in whispers.

I was with a friend the other week who asked in the nicest possible way if I would like another child and so I told her the truth. It was actually refreshing to be able to talk about it rather than just say the old chestnut of 'we'll see'...

I know that for some people they are very private about such personal things, and in fact I haven't told my mother what I'm going through because we just don't have that kind of relationship.

But now i've reached a stage where I'm sick of lying to people. I just think 'why not tell them'.....why hide it. It is happening to me. Its no longer something that happens to other people.

[paisleyII]

i have always been really open about my secondary infertility, i am neither ashamed or (obviously!) proud of it. although be prepared for a barage of irritating comments, the most common is 'at least you have on' although generally it is because people feel awkward and don't know what else to say. funny how people assume that because you have had one that you can knock out another as easily as they did.....i can't have anymore and even though i accept this it has actually become hardly to be vocal about. if i sense a situation when someone, usually a stranger, is going to ask me 'how many' children do i have etc, i tend to make a quick exit, i can sense myself welling up, i cry quite easily on the subject which after nearly 8 years is a bit sad (to say the least)

[anniewoo]

Paisley11 after almost 20 years i could still cry. We did everything- clomid . Ivf . To no avail. Am still so sad.

[nomoremagnolia]

I say almost exactly what worldgonecrazy said. I tend to go with the "we're so blessed with the miracle we've got to ask for another would just be greedy"

[nomoremagnolia]

Though when pressed I will always explain it took 5 years, numerous investigations, one ep and two rounds of ivf before we got ds. Just like that, just the facts, and hope against hope they don't ask more. I get easily upset if anyone wants to discuss the emotional or personal side of it as that was a very dark time of my life.

[OracleInaCoracle]

I do wonder sometimes, why people think its ok to ask you if you are having regular unprotected sex. because thats what they are asking.

If people are rude I say something along the lines of "we've been ttc for 6.5y, had 13mc's, an ep during which I lost a tube and needed a transfusion. But, I am on CD14, my cervical mucus has an egg white consistency, last night we had sex doggy style, I climaxed before dh and stuck my bum up in the air for an hour afterward. If it works you will be the first to know. by the way, how often do you have sex?"

[stacysmom]

I ask them if they will give us £5k and we'll try for another one...

[lozster]

Liking many of these responses! I've just been reading Zita West's IVF book. If asked 'do you have children?' she recommends that you say 'sadly not'. No recommendations made for intonation or facial expression! I think this is meant to maintain dignity all round.

[karlu]

It depends what kind of person you are. I was talked into sharing our fertility issues for my DH's sake with his family, friends and family friends and friends family. it wasn't a very positive experience for me, but seemed to have worked for him. We do get an odd comment from my MIL about whether we have chosen our DC's eyes colour etc. It annoys me and occasionally makes me angry but that's just because I am a very private person and other people talking about it makes me uncomfortable.

[CaveMum]

We've told my parents (because I had to have an operation under general anaesthetic and I didn't think it was fair not to tell them why), and my best friend as she is also currently trying, and struggling, to conceive.

I'm in 2 minds, part of me thinks it is no one's business but ours, but part of me thinks it would be so much easier to be able to talk to everyone about it.

Of course if I get anymore "Oh you've been married a while now." or "You're not getting any younger." comments I may just blurt it all out

[AlanMoore]

Have worked in assisted conception and have friends and family who have been through the mill with TTC (and associated AC, adoption etc), including secondary infertility. Some now have the family they wanted, some do not.

I wish people could talk more freely about it. It's nothing to be ashamed of, though of course I understand not wanting to talk about it at those times when it makes you very upset.

This is excellent

"I tell people, my infertility is part of my identity, it has changed my life and shaped my future. Despite all the treatments, I have never conceived . Infertility isn't something to be ashamed of, its just something that happens to some of us and shouldn't be a taboo we haven't done anything wrong ."

People ought to understand this. I despair that they don't. It's nobody's business whether you want children, can conceive, carry to term etc, but it would help ease the pain when there are difficulties if it could be discussed frankly and get a sympathetic reception.

[vallinnapod]

I told people very willingly. Not drinking in social situations always got the "Sooooo, something to tell us?" "Yep, someone is constantly shoving a camara up my chuff, I've has so many blood tests my veins have collapsed in a manner a junkie would be proud of and if I hear how devastated you are that you got pregnant on you honeymoon one more time I think I may implode"

Not that bad, but I was very honest with everyone, including work. It takes an awful lot of stress out of the IVF process if you don't have to make excuses to go out for blood tests/scans - and my clinic was literally around the corner from the office.

We were so lucky and conceived DS on our first cycle. He is not even 7 months and I get questions about number 2 . Even my MIL - "Well, it will be easier next time" ...really?! My response is that I would have a second in a heartbeat if we got a 'free' one, otherwise it is when we next have a spare several grand hanging around to defrost DS's buddies.

The whole process has made me very conscious about what I say to other people. DH on the other hand....! OMG, we have a couple of friends who when they are holding DS he comes out with "it'll be you next"....I tear strips off him afterwards. I could have thumped people who said that to me! I also really have to bite my tongue with friends (we're all mid-thirties) who say "oh, we'll start in a couple of years"...several of us have had issues and I just want to say get on with it. I don't of course

[blondebaby111]

Yes i tell people now but i never used to. I work in the beauty industry and some of my clients i have been seeing for years. I ended up getting so sick of people saying "don't you think you better start thinking about a family, your not getting any younger" YEAH THANKS FOR THAT! The only problem is a few people every time i see them now say " any news" which is also very annoying. So it is a tricky one really! We have unexplained infertilty so we never really know if it will happen x

[lissymoo]

After trying to keep it on the downlow for the last year of ttc, I'm now fairly open about it. Married for 2+ years and just turned 30 so it's become a popular query with just about everybody. "So when are you...?"

When I do tell people we've been trying and haven't been lucky, I often get the irritating "just relax and it will happen" response. I've also been told to think "positive." I resent this as it implies that failure to conceive is in someway our fault, and that we actually have control over this process. Stuff that. Very stressed women, who haven't altered the lifestyles or frame of minds in any way have fallen pregnant easily. We'll fall pregnant when we fall pregnant, and if we need help, we need help. We have no control over the process, and that's one of the most difficult things about it. You can do everything "right" and still not get pregnant. I wish some people had more tact.

[philbee]

This thread has really been a comfort to me, especially this:

"I tell people, my infertility is part of my identity, it has changed my life and shaped my future. Despite all the treatments, I have never conceived . Infertility isn't something to be ashamed of, its just something that happens to some of us and shouldn't be a taboo we haven't done anything wrong ."

We are just starting testing, have one DD and have been trying for another child since last January, with one mc last year. I realised a while ago that the main source of stress for me was others' expectations that we'd have another child soon, but realised reading this thread that it's also shame. I feel like I should be able to get pregnant, other women seem to be able to so easily. It's been good to recognise that and start to try to let it go. We are who we are. Thank you.

[RubyrooUK]

I am honest with people who would care and fob off those that wouldn't. I have one DS who took three years to conceive and have had two miscarriages (one recently).

So if someone asks me at work: "When are you having another?" I use a variety of responses including:

"Well, it was pretty tricky to have one, so give me a chance!"
"Er, this one is still killing me with sleepless nights so give me a chance!"
"I'm having trouble dealing with just one, thanks!"
"I'm concentrating on work right now, thanks."
"Who knows?"

....depending which works for the situation.

For good friends, I tell them honestly, yes, I would love another baby but after having a miscarriage and all our problems before, we're not holding our breaths. I'm not ashamed - it's just what's happening in my life and has happened to some of them too. My friends and I would talk about our feelings on all kinds of things so why not this?

[Ahhhtetley]

I used to skirt around the issue if people asked, but i'm so sick of lying and 'not' having a conversation about it I now just tell them... 18 months of it and i'm sick to death of it..

Good on you OP!

[yellowflowers]

When we were trying without luck (now have dd) I told people if it came up on basis that knowing others who struggled helped me so maybe knowing me would help others. Also made people a bit more tactful about announcing their own pregnancies.

[FidgetPie]

I didn't tell many people when we were TTC first time round (18 months) but now I am very honest (TTC no 2 for 13 months so far) in part because I want people to know they aren't alone. I hadn't discovered mumsnet and thought I was the only person going quietly mad with my spreadsheets, sobbing and decimated sex life. I have since discovered lots of people in the same boat and (especially after a drink!) I am a strong advocate of people starting TTC sooner rather than later - just in case...

But I think it changes and it is easier (for you and the people you tell) to be 'honest' once you have had a child.

[Wouldbedad]

I think it is really difficult because you and your DP need to be on the same page. Like many of the other posters my instinct is to be open and honest, infertility is something that needs to be more commonly spoken about, and experiences shared beyond the confines of MN. However for my DP she feels that discussion of the subject is too personal and not something she wishes to be open about. I completely understand so we have kept the circle of trust very small.
Of note; by being open with some close friends we discovered that they had had IVF for their beautiful three children - they have both been a huge support to us during our IVF cycles. A benefit we might not have had if we had been a completely closed citadel.
On the other side of the coin I get exasperated by one friend who now asks every time we meet up how the IVF is going. I needed to nudge him to shut up about it to be honest. Once the genie is out of the bottle you can not "un-tell" people.

[TillyToffee]

I quite happily tell people that I have endometriosis because I do volunteer work for a charity so I link it in with that and use it as an opportunity to raise a bit of awareness and I suppose I blame it on the condition.

I often get asked when I'm having a baby now that I'm married and I think it's really impolite although I don't show my feelings. I tell my (big team of) female colleagues, so that if I get lucky then they will know how very relieved as well as delighted I would be. It's nice when my friends get pregnant and I know how very much wanted their babies are. I'd like people to know how wanted mine was too, if it happens.

I'm always getting told "Stop trying, then you'll catch". Which I think has got to be the worst advice that you can give to someone whose insides are like a Krypton Factor course for sperm. Good job I don't listen to them!