Not Engaging with Home Ed

[SisterImpera]

Hello, I'm hoping to advice. My DD3 is aged 15 started school refusing last year. It began with being late every day, then got to the point where she wouldn't go in until after lunch. She was in her first year of GCSEs when I de-registered her (the school said they could do nothing to help so I couldn't see any other option). She's been on the CAMHS waiting list for help with her anxiety for a couple of years now but no sign of an appointment yet.

We had the intention of gently starting to home school for 5 GCSEs. She had trouble engaging - would leave the room crying several times a day. She was having no difficulty with the work, in fact, I was impressed how good her maths was. But she got bored easily (wandering off while we were chatting about a topic) and then got anxious about making mistakes when going through exercises, which would lead to tears.

I backed off and said we'd focus on just doing Maths and English. She's bright and capable, so academically it shouldn't be an issue. But she's hidden from me in her room for the last few days to avoid it. I just demanded that we have a chat about what she wants to do going forward and she sat there sobbing and shrugging, and I feel awful for her. I don't think she's intentionally being difficult at all, rather I think she's as confused as anyone about why she can't engage. Much like with school, she can't MAKE herself but doesn't know why.

I've tried being hands off, gentle (just a short session of say 20 mins together with the textbook). I've tried watching bitesize videos with her to make it feel less like school.

Does anyone have any advice for me? My elder two were completely failed by school so I was actually optimistic about how DD3 might flourish, but I'm feeling awful about it now. She seems really upset with me and herself, and I just can't see ANY way forward - not for her home education, but also I'm worried about her long term future in the workplace.

[AheadOfMyTime]

It usually takes quite a while for them to apply themselves, this is quite common.
Are you familiar with de schooling? This plays an important part between the transition. My son took a good few months to get going again, and it's easy to panic and think no progress is being made, when in fact l think it takes time for anxiety levels to come down.
My son started doing just one question a day and built up from there, he has since passed his IGCSEs and now halfway through A levels. It was only when l totally stepped back and took all pressure off that he slowly started making progress. His love of learning has returned and he's doing really well now, says he's never been happier.
If your daughter is anything like my son she will be really worried about not being in school, not being able to get into school, how this will affect her education. There is a huge problem with other people thinking the child is just being defiant and needs to be punished, shame them even more and take everything away, but this only makes things a lot worse. Once your daughter realises it's more than possible for her to still study, sit and pass exams her self confidence will return. She can just do one at a time, no rush, see how she gets on. Or she could go to college or try something else like an apprenticeship further on down the line. There are many options, where she is now is just a stage, it will come and it will go.
My son managed to get a part time job aged 16 and managed fine, he had been out of school two to three years by that time.
I got told by CAHMS older teenagers are able to manage anxiety better.

[BestZebbie]

I’d suggest taking a few weeks in which you don’t do anything curriculum based - go to museums/galleries/old houses, read a lot, watch documentaries (on anything) and dramas and discuss them, listen to music together, etc. Just get her mind going in ways that have zero exam pressure connection attached, and do lots of talking about stuff you see or that crosses your mind from what you are doing. Ask her opinion and make her feel confident that she knows stuff again.

[solsticelove]

@SisterImpera how are you and your dd now?