What to do when one parent doesn't want to HE...

[MistletoeBUTNOwine]

Dp is against me home educating our son (currently only 18 months).
My Dd (10) from a previous relationship is 'unschooled ' and I think it's great.
Dp unsists he wants ds to go to s

[wafflyversatile]

The 'normal'/default position is to send your kids to school so I would say it is up to the parent who wants to home educate to make their case, rather than the other way round. In my own personal opinion I see HE as being something you do if 1. you feel the state system isn't proving a good match for your child and 2. your have the resources to HE your child. Many parents would not be able to.

The only HE'd child I know of just got a 1st in his degrees so it obviously worked out pretty well for him.

[Nigglenaggle]

I don't know what part of my posts assumed DH was in the wrong - they were a compromise for OP to make as far as I was concerned...

[Mumstheword18]

I don't things that don't interest me or that I don't enjoy...and I went to school!

This is different to doing things that you have to that you may not enjoy - there are plenty of these, like washing up or sending invoices, for example but I don't really understand people who moan about their lives/ jobs etc...and yet aren't willing to try to change it. Again, they have been to school though!

Also, why is it assumed that DP has a right to insist DS tries school when if the shoe was on the other foot, how many people would seriously do the same in their own household and give HE a try on the say-so of their DP/DH if they were opposed to school??

OP I think in response to your question it is really difficult, but lots and lots of discussion about why DP feels the way he does and also offering him the opportunity to come to HE events, days out, be around for play dates etc...and if he is willing, reading literature to try to alleviate his fears (I assume maybe academic as he may be comparing your DD to school aged peers in line with the NC?!).

I hope you are able to find a solution that you are happy with!

[ommmward]

Do they have to do things they hate, anothers? I don't. I spend my days juggling a rich active life with family and friends, plus working full time at a job I absolutely love, and have focused on for as much as my time as was permitted from the age of 13 onwards (as in, it was mostly extra curricular until 16, and then just one of my A'levels plus extra curricular, and then it was the subject of my degrees plus extra curricular, and now I pursue it professionally, full time salaried, with a little bit of extra curricular for fun). I want the same for other people too - that they should spend their childhood having the opportunity to find their passion, and then to pursue it with a mixture of determination and realism, getting the skills they need - and it doesn't have to be something academic. It might be farming or forestry or caring or nannying or ANYTHING. We no longer live in a one-career culture. Most people will reskill two or three times during their adult life. Being really good at learning independently according to your own interests is going to give you a head start with that.

I'm not assuming DP is in the wrong. But there is a status quo, and my assumption would be that, where a family has an established culture which aint broke, you don't fix it.

No-one has all the knowledge to teach all the subjects a school covers. But that knowledge is out there - in our community, among our relatives, among our friends, and in the hands of Mr Google. We live in the information age - information is worth very little, actually - the useful thing is knowing (a) how to find it and (b) how to evaluate the worth of a piece of information once you've found it. Once teens reach the age of wanting qualifications, they go into school or college, or they use tutors, or they get the iGCSE syllabuses from an exam board and, once again, they draw on the skills and knowledge of the community around them. It's really not rocket science! (except when it is...)

[amothersplaceisinthewrong]

All this "the child does not have to do things that don't interest them" spiel that is spouted about home educating does not prepare a child for real life in the grown up world where adults will have to do plenty they don't want to and which does not interest them...

Why is it assumed that the DP is the one in the wrong and has to compromise and agree to Home Schooling.

How does one parent have all the knowledge to teach all the subjects a school covers.....

[GarlicDoughballsInGlitter]

omm I was reading recently about the outcomes for home ed kids. Here is one, I will see if I can find the others...

www.hslda.org/research/ray2003/HomeschoolingGrowsUp.pdf

[Nigglenaggle]

Got the gender of your child wrong, sorry!

[Nigglenaggle]

Going back to the Op's problem, I think the idea of nursery part time come age 3 would be a good compromise so you can see what your DC thinks of the environment. She might completely hate it - decision made, surely, or she might love it and be keen for school. Otherwise would your DH be more prepared to consider home ed if you used a partially structured approach? He could do the structured bits if you aren't comfortable with it? You could point him in the direction of the 'a little bit of structure' forum which people speak of and see if he prefers that? Would you consider Briteschool as an alternative to your DC going to school? I'm not saying these are great solutions, just trying to brainstorm a compromise for you!

[Nigglenaggle]

I have been skeptical previously about unschooling. I read 'The unschooling handbook' after it was recommended on a Facebook site. What amused me really, was that I recognised almost all of it from the way my mother, a school teacher, raised me. I did go to school as well, but most of our holidays were spent happily unschooling. I'm pretty sure my mum, who is obviously very pro school, thought of it as teaching. I think sometimes we just use different words for the same thing. As long as the children are learning and happy it doesn't matter how you think of yourself as a teacher really.

[ommmward]

The problem is, of course, that there is insufficient data for us to know, statistically, about where previous home educated people end up. It would be interesting to compare outcomes for home edders against those for the general population, both in terms of qualifications and employment. But I don't think it can be done - there are just small surveys, which show much better outcomes, statistically, for home edders, especially if their parents had limited education themselves (bigger differential from outcomes among general population).

I just keep remembering how recent universal formal schooling is, even in the UK. Can we be sure that it really is the best thing for 99% of the population?

Can parents cope? Maybe not always. The ones I know can and do, though, and it's not all naice middle class professionals with degrees coming out of every orifice. In fact, few of the families we hang out with routinely have tertiary education at all. And the working parent(s) have a trade, or a small business, or are finishing a degree around the children, or have worked in the sort of environment where non academic skills are valued (e.g. Caring, gardening, animal welfare, that sort of thing).

Remember that we pool resources. There are all sorts of activities I would never think of introducing my children to, but someone else does, and sometimes it sticks and becomes really important to them. And likewise, I have interests and skills that contribute to the experiences of other people's children. ("but what if you are really isolated or don't get on with other home educators?" There is always a what if).

The child isn't abandoned to the wolves - the parent exposes them to all sorts of opportunities. But the child gets to not waste everyone's time and energy if something does not interest them. There's no point pushing people to learn things they are not ready for. It is hard, discouraging, boring, damaging. But if you wait till the person is ready and interested, they learn super fast. I've seen this recently with swimming. A gang of home edders go swimming every week together. At the beginning, one was a confident swimmers; two could swim a little; one could swim a tiny bit. Three months later, the tiny bit child can swim 10 metres cheerfully, two non swimmers are totally confident, the swim a little ones are now completely independent and safe in the deep end, another non swimmer can do a few strikes, and about five of them have learned to swim underwater, all from that one confident swimmer at the beginning. Oh, and a little boy who used to cling on to his mum the whole time he was in the water went in without her a couple of weeks ago, totally cheerfully. Not a lesson in sight, no adult agenda to learn to swim, just let's have fun in the pool. I think that, in so many aspects of.our culture, we've lost confidence in people's keenness and ability to learn, if they are given opportunity without pressure, and expertise on which to draw.

[ImperialBlether]

I have to disagree with you that it always produces confident, self-motivated learners and I would think we only tend to hear about the fabulous careers and not about those who can't find work at all.

What worries me about it is the assumption that the parent can actually cope with this - where a teacher has had to prove their knowledge and skills over several years, a parent does not have to. There's also the assumption that a child will always know best which I'd question.

[ommmward]

child learns through play, on their own agenda. Parent provides resources, opportunities, advice and help when the child wants it. Like Summerhill school only without the boarding school bit.

What child asks for may be a.fully-fledged curriculum, tutors, 9 GCSEs in two years. Or to go to school - a lot of unschooled children spend.some time in school, very often in upper primary. The big difference between them and every one else is that they make an agreement with their parents about the minimum length of time they will try it for, and after that, the child has the choice about whether to continue or not.

What is produces is people who are completely accustomed to being self motivated, confident learners. Outcomes in terms of higher education and careers seem to be pretty fabulous. It is also a really good way of bringing up children with special needs, because they can learn at their own pace and build on their strengths, with parents helping them intensively with the life skills they need.

[ImperialBlether]

What does 'unschooled' mean?

[Iggi999]

It must greatly limit the jobs you can do though, to evening work only in most cases (if the other partner works officey hours), and especially when the child is too young to be left.

[Nigglenaggle]

Maybe because she's asked for help and people are being disparaging and aggressive?

[SocietyClowns]

ommmward Thank you for the explanation. It popped up on the home ed topic which I am in fact following. I have my own thread going at the moment, asking for advice, and I am not opposed to HE.

Still wonder why the OP hasn't bothered to answer any questions though.

[ommmward]

You "de-school" a child who has been to school (a recovery process for those who have been in school for some time, particularly when there has been trauma of some kind). It is perfectly normal to go through "de-schooling" and then introduce a formal, adult led style of education.

"Unschooling" is a US term, partly introduced (I think) because "home schooling" is their usual terminology, and the people who advocate an approach that is child led and looks nothing like school wanted a term that expresses better what they do. In the uk, it is often more common to talk about "autonomous home education", which might offend you less but is more of a mouthful.

It's very common for people who get interested in home education to find that one or other parent is more keen on the idea to start with, and then gradually the more resistant parent learns more about it, sees how well it works, and becomes just as keen. So the OP might well be looking for people to offer advice about how that process played out in their own families.

Remember that this is the quiet little HE support topic - maybe it popped up onto active threads or something for you?

[SocietyClowns]

Well, isn't it interesting that the OP hasn't returned to the thread to explain how she has brought up her dd and why her dp may not be so happy with the same for their joint ds... What did she expect posters to say? Suggest ways to browbeat her dp into accepting her lifestyle? Point out that 'unschooling' (what a shite word that is by the way- you don't un-school a child that has never been to school) is the bees knees?

[ommmward]

[sarcasm]

Yes, SocietyClowns - that's the one thing that puts me off home educating - the possibility that my children will get very overweight and then die of a deep vein thrombosis. Had that poor lad been in school, he'd definitely have been supported through whatever issues he had that were making him obese, and then he'd have been able to get healthy, like all the other obese teenagers whose health and social problems get solved in school.

[/sarcasm]

[bebanjo]

Because the powers that be can see every child in school can't they, oh wait, dident a 4 year old starve to death after being seen taking food out of a bin?

Sorry to op for rant.

[SocietyClowns]

Maybe this is what your dp is concerned about.

[Floralnomad]

HE doesn't mean you can't go to work - you just find a job that fits in with your DC and OH ,it's perfectly possible .

[Floralnomad]

What is it about HE that he doesn't like ? When you say your dd is 'unschooled' what does she actually do or is it his experience of living with you that has put him off . I agree with pp that it's perfectly reasonable to have one dc that goes to school and one that doesn't - I have one that went to school / uni and is just about to start his NQT year - my other dc is HE .

[Iggi999]

HE means you couldn't work? Maybe he doesn't want the responsibility of being the breadwinner for ever.