DD not enjoying university

[Smallblanket]

My DD is in week 2 of uni - very miserable, ill, normal freshers stuff. I think if she rides out the next couple of weeks she will be probably fine.

But at the back of my mind, and at the back of her's, is whether she has chosen the wrong uni, and possibly the wrong course.

If she leaves soon (I think VERY soon), there will be no fees owed and she can pay back her maintenance loan, so can have a fresh start after a year out.

I don't know whether to encourage her to stay, or encourage her to leave.

I'd be grateful for any advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation.

[Smallblanket]

I think your DS will probably better off sorting out accommodation a bit later - there will be lots of students feeling like him, I'm sure.

[Wid]

@Smallblanket glad she's settled. Must be a relief as well that she's found people to live with for next year. I know my ds is anxious about next year. He says it's too early to know who he would like to live with and his current flat mates are acting like primary school kids, but at the back of his mind, I can tell he's thinking that he's going to be left on the shelf.

[Ginfizzlife]

Great update, so glad things worked out for her.

[Smallblanket]

Just an update and another thanks for the advice I got here. DD has now started to settle in really well - made some friends on the new course and signed up for a house next year! I know some kids won't settle and that's fine - but for others it's definitely a case of " give it time" !

[MindyStClaire]

Cross post! Glad she's on top of things :)

[MindyStClaire]

If she's seriously considering changing courses she should investigate this immediately, the deadline has already passed at my university. Best of luck to her.

[Smallblanket]

That's a good point about going back in January- I'll look out for that.

Things are going ok - DD has a meeting booked with admissions tutor for the different course today and seems to be a bit more settled generally.

[msmith501]

I felt like this for the first two weeks of my course. I was lucky in that one of my corridor friends a few doors away used to go to private school when feeling abandoned etc. in the early days was not uncommon. She helped me put up hooks for my mugs, cut out pictures to make into posters and generally make my room feel homely rather than stark. Her real lesson for me was to hang on in there. Small friendship things became important eg having a coffee with the person in the room next door. As an only child (albeit one with domineering parents) it was bloody hard but I did persevere to the point I never went home in the holidays. One day it just clicked and I guess I was lucky. Everyone is different and hopefully your DD will find a path through that works for her. Best of luck to her.

[sashh]

Thank you all. I think it is homesickness/missing boyfriend/ not having found her "tribe".

I know I'm a bit late and you have visited but surely her 'tribe' won't be at home?

Feeling discombobulated is fairly normal, the ones walkng round with big grins are either faking i or mature students who have finally got to uni age 45.

Please be aware the after Xms time is often the time students feel worse.

They have mostly started in the late summer / early autumn with warmish weather,but in January it is cold, wet and dark, they have more workload and they have just spent a couple of weeks with family and their home town was all brightly lit and they met up with old friends and told uni stories. Because of this many unis have a helpline.

Changing course might make a huge difference andi might be possible to do a joint honours if she wants to keep up the physics.

Ca she do a unit / module outside her main subject? A lot of unis force you to take at lest one and the temptation is to stick to your own 'field' in dds case science when something totally different might make a difference an art, drama or beginners language.

[HandsOffMyRights]

Thanks Hero. I do think it would have helped enormously and wishing OP good luck.

[Smallblanket]

Sounds like a good plan - my middle DC does suffer from depression so I am highly alert to that now - you can only get a good sense of something like that in person.

DD has arranged to go and visit her bf in a week or so - that will either help or it won't!

[DishingOutDone]

I think its very sensible Small - someone on here told me she always told her DD she could go home if it didn't work out, so I told my DD that now and she seems a bit reassured. She doesn't like her accommodation and that's a big part of her being upset, I've been to visit, her boyfriend has visited etc but still very down. She's coming home for a few days at what would have been half term, I am thinking lets see how she is then. She was anxious before she went but I am keeping an eye out in case it develops into depression.

[Smallblanket]

Dishing out - it was a good visit and well worth the 8 hour return trip!
We had a meal out and a walk in the rain. It was good to chat through the issues face to face. She is going to stick it out until at least Christmas ("because that's what people on the internet recommend") but is seriously considering switching from Physics to Maths. She had thought about that before term started. It was good to see that she went just wallowing in her room and is eating and socialising.

I just said that we would support her. I think she is relieved to have some options.


Interesting Times article today about students having to be put up in hotels or having to commute temporarily and how not feeling settled in the first couple of weeks can lead to a higher drop out rate. I do think that being in halls so far from lectures to start with has contributed to the malaise...

[Herocomplex]

Gosh @HandsOffMyRights that’s really hard - what a shame, it sounds like a really tough time. All you needed was a bit of support by the sound of it.

[DishingOutDone]

How was the visit @Smallblanket?

[IdblowJonSnow]

No one can know OP.
Encourage her to make the decision herself and support her.
I was miserable and ill the first time I went to uni, the halls were decrepit, area was rough, then a grandparent died. In the end I sacked it off. But I felt such a failure it took me years to try again. I did though and that time it was fine.
Some 18 year olds just aren't ready.
To the pp who said she could spoil her future - it really won't. There will be other opportunities if it's not for her.
Bit soon to decide yet.

[HandsOffMyRights]

OP, I dropped out of uni after a term. I still regret this nearly 30 years on.

I wish my parents had visited me at uni, it could have been a game changer, but they were getting divorced, had new partners, were busy selling the home and weren't bothered tbh.

I was so terribly lonely and missed my boyfriend at the time and he seemed to be moving on, which sounds so pathetic now. Everything was changing and I thought returning to my home city would normslise everything.

I'd hate to think of anyone so unhappy but likewise, how I wish I'd completed that course.

[Kuponut]

To be honest it's that point where I think it hits everyone -I'm a grown adult, doing a course I really want to do and content I really really enjoy - and I was having the "fuck I really don't want to do this can I drop out" googling student finance repayment vibes the other day! I'm older and allegedly wiser and recognised it for what it is - but I can imagine for an 18 year old it feels like a real brick wall to get through.

[Canklesforankles]

Embrace sorry to hear your DD has had to change plans. It sounds like you have a great alternative plan lined up and you have obviously supported her in giving it a try and then shifting to plan B.

[MarchingFrogs]

Has she thought about doing something like working part time - a few hours a week in something SU related, more for the human contact / something different to do aspect than necessarily for the money? Or volunteering, on- or off-site (ditto)?

[Smallblanket]

She isn't going to drop out because of the boyfriend, she just misses him which is adding to her feeling miserable.

She also says (just now) that she'll stick it out but will look into changing course (physics to maths) - so no hurried decisions needed. Will go and see her on Sat, take her out for lunch and see.

Thanks for all your insights - it was very helpful.

[Embracelife]

Dd about to dropout but has chronic condition and is going to start again part time in 2020 at different uni which has modular part time similar degree...she has spoken to student support and just needs to get paperwork signed off. For her it s sensible decision tho not without angst
She will prob have some tuition and maintenance loans to add to what she will repay when she earning 25k which some way ahead.... will go fetch all stuff nxweek ...now where to put it...

[MillicentMartha]

Date-------------Percentage of tuition fees you'll have to repay
From the first day of the first term--25%
From the first day of the second term-50%
From the first day of the third term-----100%

//www.ucas.com/finance/student-finance-england/suspending-or-withdrawing-your-full-time-studies

Taken from the above website. I'm not trying to advise, just giving you the facts about fees.

[zafferana]

Yes, def don't let her drop out because she's missing her bf! She risks fucking her up whole life if she does that and for what? They'll either break up anyway or they'll make it work. But dropping out of uni is NOT the answer!

[Grumpyperson]

Please don't let her drop out because of a boyfriend! If there are other reasons she is unhappy that's a different thing, but you can be pretty sure the bf won't drop out of his uni (if he's at one) because he is missing her.