It’s the time of year when exam results are released. Years of study can lead to scenes of elation from students, social media announcements by proud parents and the prospect of our children moving on to the next stage of their education or adult lives. But if the results are not as hoped or expected, the sudden impact can at times be devastating. We lost our son, Harry, to suicide at the age of 17.
We’re the average family. We had three children: two sons and a daughter. Harry was our eldest. He was an engaging and very active child, full of energy and often chaotic. He would fill a room, charm the adults and get up to the usual mischief with his friends. At one stage in junior school, a teacher remarked that he was quite an anxious child. We reacted with some incredulity, and perhaps as parents you don’t see a side to your child that others may. What we did know was that he was always very keen to please. One time he brought home a school note containing a very decent set of mid-term exam results; we were naturally delighted and he basked in the glory for a while until we realised that it wasn’t the complete set of results – he’d carefully cut off the lower section of the note which featured some less than decent marks. His explanation was that he didn’t want that to detract from the good stuff, and wanted us to be happy.
As Harry grew up, his behavioural problems and erratic ability to concentrate led to a diagnosis of ADHD. Medication helped, and his education progressed. He became an excellent musician, playing piano and saxophone. Practising wasn’t his forte, though, but that never held him back as he had natural ability.
We were lucky enough to have a small cottage in rural south-west France. Our family grew up holidaying in a very simple way, making our own entertainment without regular internet connection, just enjoying the peace of the countryside. Harry was at his happiest here, and chose not to use his medication, simply be himself.
In August 2013 we were on holiday there and Harry was awaiting his AS results. He’d been working hard and was looking forward to the final stage of study, deciding what he’d like to read at university after completing his A Levels. We got the emailed results on the morning of 13th August. They were way below what he (or we) expected. We remember him sitting on the patio outside with his head in his hands while we were inside, desperately trying to contact the school to see what his options were.
We then realised that he wasn’t outside any more. We assumed that he’d just walked off into the fields to gather his thoughts, something he used to do quite often. As time went by, and he hadn’t come back, we began searching the local area for him without success. Back at the house, Paul realised the pool room door was locked from the inside. He forced entry and found that Harry had taken his own life. What followed was a horrific blur of activity as neighbours rushed around, ambulances, police and a helicopter arriving at the house. Once that finished, and the official formalities were complete, we returned home as a family of four, not five. There was nothing we could think of that could have given us any warning that Harry had suicidal thoughts or intent. But he was always a very impulsive boy, and all we can think is that, in that moment of despair, he could see no way forward. But we will never know, and one of the first promises we made to ourselves as a family was that we would never ask ourselves ‘If only we’d done x,y or z’, as that process can be destructive.
In the last 10 years we’ve met so many parents who have lost children to suicide, some of whom were personal friends before we lost Harry and have now joined our unfortunate club. We have raised funds for charities helping those affected by suicide and helping to prevent suicide. Last year we ran a fundraiser for Suicide & Co, a charity founded to help those left behind after suicide, providing much needed bereavement counselling to try and bridge the gap the NHS can’t fill, and this year we will be helping Papyrus, a charity dedicated to preventing young suicide and increasing awareness of the issues that may lead to suicide.
This year sees our own challenge to mark the 10th anniversary of Harry’s passing. We’ve chosen to cycle a wonky heart-shaped route around England and a very hilly section of Wales, starting on 15th August, 2023, in order to raise funds for Papyrus. We were most definitely not cyclists before we had this idea, and we’re older and rather unfit as well, so a challenge it shall be! See our website, with all the details of our story and a donation link for Papyrus here. Any help would be much appreciated.
What would we say to those with children on the cusp of results day? Talk it through. Exam results are not the be all and end all. Harry’s old headmaster once said ‘everyone is good at something’. Getting young people, particularly young men, to talk honestly about their feelings and concerns is often very difficult.
Thankfully awareness of the fragility of mental health in young people is becoming more widespread, and the stigma of suicide, always a very uncomfortable subject to discuss, is slowly reducing. Charities like Papyrus will give support via their helplines, get the message out into schools and encourage our children to be more able to recognise their vulnerabilities and ask for help.
Website: https://wonkyheartchallenge.co.uk/
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Guest post: ‘Exam pressure is sometimes devastating for students, and often the signs are not there. We lost our son to suicide. This is our story.’
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NicolaDMumsnet · 17/08/2023 09:29
Paul and Karen Smith
Paul and Karen Smith live in Surrey and have two children aged 23 and 25. They have been fundraising for Suicide & Co. and Papyrus since losing their son Harry to suicide aged 17.
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