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Guest post: "I will never stop searching for my missing son"

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MumsnetGuestPosts · 25/05/2016 12:28

Ten years ago last week, I reported my son missing. Luke, who was 19 at the time, hadn't returned home after a night out in Ipswich. He'd spent the evening in a club and was seen on CCTV leaving in the early hours of the morning. It was later established that Luke was trying to get home. I haven't heard from him since.

Having a missing child is an isolating experience. How do I explain to someone I'm meeting for the first time that I have had no idea where one of my beloved children is, for ten long years? How do I fill the void that Luke has left? How will other people ever understand what I'm going through?

Last week marked the passing of a decade since I was last able to talk to and touch my son. My memories of that time are vivid. It's hard to imagine that 10 years have passed - but when I saw Luke walking out of the door laughing that day, I never imagined that would be the last time we saw him.

In many ways, life stands still when your son is missing and yet so much has happened since Luke's been gone. Despite sometimes feeling as if nobody else can understand the pain I'm going through, my friends and family have still managed to bring joy and comfort at the bleakest of times. Milestones are often the worst. My daughter Alicia's 19th year was the hardest. I was terrified that I would lose her at 19 as I had lost Luke. It's hard to believe after living through the pain of Luke’s 21st birthday without having him there to share it, it'll be his 30th this year. The thought of it tears at my heart.

I think of Luke every day, I wonder what he would be doing if he were here. What kind of man would he have become? Would he have been married or been a dad? Would he have found the music career he so desperately wanted? I have so many questions that go unanswered. I'd love to sit down with Luke and my daughter Alicia and talk and talk until we're all too tired to talk anymore. It seems the tiniest request for a mother to want to spend time with both her children - but it is so unachievable for us.

A few months ago I was contacted by the charity Missing People. Their choir, whose members all have missing loved ones, were planning on releasing a single. I was initially very reluctant to join as I'm not a singer. However, I agreed to give it a go. It turns out I can sort of hold a tune. But more importantly, I stood alongside other families who walk in my shoes every day, they fully understand my eternal despair.

When Luke was a baby I would count how old he was in days, and then weeks, months and finally years. When Luke went missing it went full circle. I would count how many days he'd been gone, then weeks, then months and years - now it's a decade. Around 140,000 children go missing in the UK every year. Whilst most of them are found safe and well in a short time, a small proportion are not. Their families are left like me, left with the disbelief that the time passes and there's still no news. All of this time passing has not changed anything. The pain of losing Luke is always there. I will never stop searching for Luke, it's the only thing left I can do for him.

Nicki Durbin is a member of the Missing People Choir, which is made up of family members of missing loved ones and is run by the charity Missing People and Director James Hawkins. See them .

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Bluestar7 · 28/05/2016 13:00

My heart is breaking as I read your words, i can only pray and pray for your Luke to someday return to you!! I'm sorry for your pain and feelings that are lost and left in limbo..finding others that are going through the same pain and understanding is the best thing you can do to cope and I'm glad your family and friends are brilliant support to you. Sending you a virtual hug and wishes xx