Guest post: "My son was almost abducted – but I won't stop him walking home alone"

[MumsnetGuestPosts]

Just before Christmas, our nine-year-old son was nearly abducted.

It was 4.45pm, and he was walking home after Minecraft club. He had stopped to stroke a cat that lives near our street when a van drew up beside him. The man inside leaned across. "I've got some sweets," he said. "If you get in, you can have some."

Our son said, very politely, that he lived just round the corner and had an appointment to get back for. The man scowled at him and drove off.

Our boy watched to make sure the van was out of sight before running for home. When he got back, he was breathless. I suggested he use his inhaler – which was when he casually mentioned that he'd been running because a man in a van had offered him sweets.

It's odd how your brain works in situations like this: I was simultaneously shocked and blasé. Here was my son, safe at home – I couldn't believe that someone would be stupid enough to use the sweets line. In fact, I could barely comprehend that it had even happened.

I did know, however, that I had to raise the alarm. I dialled 999, and then posted a message onto a school Care and Share site. I emailed and phoned his school.

While I went through these steps, I felt like a bit player in a soap opera. I spend so much time persuading myself that it is extremely unlikely that anything bad will happen – avoiding scaremongering, hysteria, TV crime dramas and detective novels – that I could hardly believe that this had happened to our child, in our neighbourhood.

The immediate surge of comments responding to my post brought the impact of the situation home. It showed me how frightened people are of this kind of event – and it also confirmed our son's story: another boy had seen the same man just before, and had also been frightened enough to run home.

After speaking to the school and the police, news spread fast. I was repeatedly asked by other parents whether I would let him keep walking. To start with, I stoutly asserted that I would, aware of the look in other parents' eyes. As the days trickled by, though, both my son and I lost our nerve. I went back to picking him up.

After a few days, the investigating officer called. He suggested that perhaps it hadn't been what I thought it was. He said, "Can I ask what your son was doing, walking home at 4.45pm?" I couldn't take it in. Was he really insinuating that it was my fault that my child had been approached? That by encouraging my son to walk home independently, I was essentially setting him up to be assaulted?

I live with a constant feeling that I am being judged as negligent as I strive to give my children greater independence. The policeman's words only reinforced this worry. I'm so tired of the negative scrutiny levelled at mothers, explicitly and implicitly, bullying them into overprotective behaviour which, in the end, actually harms their children. And, at least in my experience, it does always seem to be mothers who are seen to be at fault. The policeman didn't say anything to my husband.

Am I frightened of our boy being approached again? Of course I am – it's my job to worry about our children, as it is my husband's – but it's also our job to let them go. Children need to seize their independence. How else will they learn how to handle it? Our children are taught 'stranger danger' – and they also instinctively know when someone's a wrong 'un. Our son took it in his stride. Why are we trying to take that victory away from him?

We are letting him walk alone again now. He's very happy, and has been thriving at school. Last week he ran to help an elderly lady with her heavy bag on his way home.

I don't think the streets are the preserve of a handful of predators: I think the streets are for everyone, especially our children. I'm going to live by the advice of the policewoman who came to our house the night of the attempted abduction. She looked my son in the eyes and told him not to stop walking to school: "Never forget," she said, "your independence goes forwards, not backwards."

[cappy123]

I mean is more likely to happen in the dark.

[cappy123]

Would like to know if there's more evidence kidnapping or bring approached happens in the dark.

[LassWiTheDelicateAir]

OP I fully support you. There is no reason for a 9 year old not to be walking home alone after school.

[syed28]

I would never ever do it again if I was you.
I have a 9yo son and he's only allowed to go to the shop which is 1 minute from my house. And even then I'm standing there watching him go and come back. He's my heart my life..I'll not risk his life in the name of independence.
His whole life lies ahead to show independence.
I'm sorry but that's not courage that's just being careless.

[steppemum]

Last night my 10 yo dd walked to scouts on her own at 7pm.

It was dark. It is about 4 min walk, she had to cross a road. (we collect her at the end of scouts as it is later)

yes I let her. In 6 months she will:

cycle to the station (in the dark in the winter)
catch a train
walk to the school at the other end.

and then do the reverse at the end of the day (again in the dark in the winter)

ds has been doing the same for 2 years.

I really, really agree with the OP.

My only hesitation would be whether or not you should temporarily stop until the guy is caught. Bit what if he isn't caught? How long do you leave it?

[ItsAllGoingToBeFine]

But at 9 years old he cannot physically fight off a determined adult so I think you are taking a huge risk.

An adult woman would struggle to physically fight off a determined man...

[log120]

Actually I agree with you - ahem - Vaginaaa. "It never did me any harm" is not a good argument, for example when used by adults who were beaten by their parents as children. Lazy thinking on my part. Thanks for drawing my attention to it. I still think that Ingrid is right though to let her child walk to school (in the light, aware of stranger danger etc) and that more damage is done by encouraging children to think of the world is too risky a place to venture out in alone.

[Vaginaaa]

I never came to any harm posts are interesting. It's trotted out like proof that the world is safe. The children who did come to harm can't post and tell what happened to them.

[log120]

I think Ingrid is right. I am a new grandma and I remember going to school on my own at age nine. In my case it involved catching a bus or a tramcar in Glasgow. Never came to harm. Truly don't believe that human nature has changed since then.I valued my independence then and now. My one reservation about this particular occurrence is that it happened at 4.45 near Christmas. Wasn't it dark then , or nearly so? I would be concerned about a child of that age walking home alone in the dark. I still think it would be fine with a chum.

[anjpink]

i wouldnt let my 9 yr old walk home, it was after school hours after all. so not like other mums etc around ...
I would say maybe meet half way if your son insists on walking. you cant be too safe these days but you can be too sorry !!

[AnnaBanana11]

The Jacob Wetterling case is just horrific

[anotherbusymum14]

Thanks for sharing your story OP it's an interesting perspective and you are certainly "brave" maybe, to let your child continue to walk home. Personally though I am unsure you understand what risk you are leaving your son in. He's only 9.
Unfortunately times have changed.
Your son may want the independence and he may feel like a big boy, and maybe you even feel thst he will have a life long confidence and independence because of this. But at 9 years old he cannot physically fight off a determined adult so I think you are taking a huge risk. And unfortunately it's only something you can foresee and your son could not. At 9 he's just enjoying the freedom and belief that he's a big kid. Sorry but I think you've made the wrong decision. Ultimately it's your choice and your risk though.

[Natsku]

I've just briefly looked at some university research which said that in fact, the incidence of abduction/attempted induction actually increases with age - so the younger the child, the less likely they are to be abducted opportunistically.

Had a little look at some research too, it seems teenagers are at most risk of abduction, although that research slightly widened the definition of abduction. I'm sure most parents let their teenagers walk home alone though. I think the most important thing is teaching our children what to do when a risky situation occurs rather than stop them from walking home alone when we otherwise would think they are ready.

[nataliesalaman12]

I would just make sure he walks home with someone for a while. This could be another child. This will increase confidence and reduce risk. The predator may still be about!

[CheerfulYank]

Lightning does strike twice. The same boy was assaulted by the same man many years ago in our town. (A stranger who assaulted other boys as well.) And there is reason to believe that man is behind the most notorious child abduction in our state. (Jacob Wetterling has never been found.)

However. My son is 8 and walks home alone. It's only a few blocks and there are other kids about. In this instance, though, I don't know....

[hypnoteq]

"they won't go for someone difficult to get (someone who doesn't respond to the lure of sweets or who isn't small enough to easily pick up"

I've just briefly looked at some university research which said that in fact, the incidence of abduction/attempted induction actually increases with age - so the younger the child, the less likely they are to be abducted opportunistically.
I too believe that 9 is too young to be coming home alone, especially in the dark. None of my three did, and they've all turned out to be well rounded, adventurous, up and at life, sort of people.

[AnnaBanana11]

I'd have no problems passing on my fear to my child regarding this matter that's for sure.

This did prompt me to talk to my 9 year old this morning and talk about what he would do if a stranger approached him and also what he would do if someone he thought he knew approached him. It's made me realise that I don't actually let him out on his own, not really. He's just too young at 9

I'm not a paranoid parent either. My 17 year old is out and about all the time doing her own thing of course

9 is still so little, it really is

[Sunnybitch]

Well let's hope she right...

[Natsku]

Most abductors are opportunists, they won't go for someone difficult to get (someone who doesn't respond to the lure of sweets or who isn't small enough to easily pick up - a 9 year old is not), unless the OP has a reason to believe her son is being targeted, which is unlikely as another child was approached, then its rather silly to let fear override her instincts.

[Sunnybitch]

Or he decides that he won't ask him if he likes sweets next time but just throw him in the van instead...

Yes there is a miniscule risk of that happening again but whos to say this guy won't try? Would you really be prepared to bet your child's life on how low that risk is (keeping in mind this man is still on the streets)

[Vaginaaa]

What you would call parenting through fear, another could call being cautious.

[Natsku]

We know the probabilities though and we know they are small. Parenting from fear is not a good idea, we don't want to pass on fear to our children.

[Vaginaaa]

Or he decides he quite likes the challenge.

None of us know what goes through the mind of someone who tries to take children.

[Natsku]

My kid was out alone days after a stranger grabbed her, although admittedly I found out later it was unlikely to be an abduction, just a mentally disabled drunk man making a mistake. Lightning doesn't strike twice - the would-be abductor is unlikely to approach OP's son again as he already found out he's not as easy mark.

[Sunnybitch]

But I doubt many of them are doing it after they've nearly been abducted, which is the main point