Guest post: How do I talk to my children about terror attacks?

[KiranMumsnet]

When we saw the headlines, my husband and I barely spoke. The boys knew nothing about it; they just wondered why their mother was so quiet. Quietly, we hushed the radio, turned off the news, and put our phones to one side, so that my children wouldn't have to hear what had happened.

At four, five, and seven, I don't want their impression of the world beyond the end of their street to be one of horror. Little boys raised in an atmosphere of terror seem likely, in my experience, to grow into men full of rage. So I convince myself that when they are old enough to understand, we'll talk about it.

But what is the 'right' age? Even now, I don't feel old enough to deal with this, and I don't have the words to explain. So I stay quiet.

Then I start to worry. What if they hear snippets of conversations in the playground at school that leave them confused or scared? Worse still, perhaps my silence will leave a gap for opportunists to fill with their own vested interests and bitter ideals. We need to talk about this.

Perhaps I should just leave the news on, and prepare to field their questions? But to try to explain the horrors of the world via raw and real footage of events means giving up the small amount of control I have over this horrific situation. The children need someone to tell them what is happening who understands exactly the sort of things they need to hear. They need me.

I decide that I won't discuss the disturbing details with them, but I won't let the terror attacks pass unmentioned. We will talk. I will hold them close, I will tell them they are loved. We'll talk in concepts they can understand: that kid called Sam who ruined their friends's birthday - does that mean all kids called Sam ruin parties?

That time the four-year-old hit the five-year-old. Should the bigger boy have hit him back? And how hard?

That big boy at school who they were afraid of. Do they remember when the seven-year-old pulled a face in response to his threats, and everybody laughed? Do they recall how once they stopped being so afraid, he stopped being quite so powerful?

There are no right answers to these questions, but they will, at least, encourage us to talk. More importantly than that, it will encourage them to think; to work out for themselves how to process terrible news when I'm not around to cover their ears.

I won't pretend to have all the answers: I'll tell them I don't know why people do bad things, that I find it hard to explain - but that even when we don't know what to say, we can still talk.

I will help my children discuss what they think, before others start putting the words into their mouths.

[Selmom]

Kids usually don't need to know anyway. I agree with pastaofplenty, comment above me, and that it is a self created hysteria.

[StubbleTurnips]

Our 4 year old asked why a bad man in our city has killed children - I was heartbroken explaining it in age appropriate language.

I was very young as witness in a shooting terrorist incident, I wish my parents had explained it better rather than ignoring it.

[Lucy182022]

This is probably not the right thread but the closest I could find

This mum's family need our help

www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/inlovingmemoryofaysha

[sueystev]

hi. my first time on here. does anyone have a child with social communication disorder? my son is thirteen waiting to be diagnosed. 24mths waiting list.

[Anaffaquine123]

We have family in Lebanon. When missiles started being shot into Beirut from Syria, I felt I had to explain why we weren't visiting teta (granny) why it was ok for them but not ok for us - it isn't really but they are old and stubborn and have lived through a lot of conflict. I just can't take my children into that situation.
However, my DH is right in that terrible things could happen anywhere.
We focus on looking for the good, the medical staff, people queuing to give blood, we donate when that is appropriate.
My five year old understands that not everyone is good but we just have to do our very best and hope. I tell them there are more good people than bad. Simplistic, yes but as she has just turned 5, I'm happy with that.
My two year old has never been to Lebanon. She has face timed her teta but never been with her. It makes me sad that I can't see a time in the near future when id be happy to go there.

[ElleBellyBeeblebrox]

It's so hard. My daughter is nearly 7 and although we've discussed some aspects of why there are wars etc I don't want to terrify her, or sadden her. We have talked about how we are fortunate to live in the UK, a country where she has plenty of food, and gets to go to school for example.
School did take it slightly out of our hands last year after the awful attack in Tunisia, when the whole school went onto the field for a minutes silence. I would rather have had those conversations with her myself, although I appreciate the reasons behind it.

[Fulltimemummy85]

I won't tell my 3 year old. I want her to carry on thinking the world is full of fluffy bunnies and kind people for as long as possible. There's nothing wrong with keeping her innocent, when she is at school I may talk to her about events.

[Artandco]

We try and shelter ours from it all as much as possible to be honest. At 5 I think the are too young to understand everything logically. We travel a lot as a family, many of these events have been on planes and airports unfortunately. I know that if they knew how many events had happened recently they would become terrified of flying right now.
At 5, I don't want them to be unessecarily terrified. Yes something could happen, and they could view, but at the moment there's something weekly and I know one of mine especially will worry endlessly.

They know about war in general, refugees etc but little else. We don't have a television at home, no newspapers in house, and they don't use the Internet. So they can be limited atm

[Flumplet]

I'm saying as little as possible to my 4yo ds. We answer questions as honestly as we can, He knows there are bad people in the world, but we reinforce that whenever bad things happen, there are always good kind people there helping. We do try to avoid the news being on with him in the room. I want him to have a childhood of innocence. He has his whole adult life to worry about terrorism. I want to let at least his first 10 years be as trouble free as possible. I know that sounds naive and lots won't agree but that's just the way I feel.

[lionheart]

Mine have been doing 'Lock-Down Drill' at school so there is no way to duck this even if I thought it was a good idea (which I don't).

[mrsb2016]

We sat watching the news with our 3 year old, we waited for an answrred his questions the best we could, out of his mouth as he watched the paris terror attacks unravel he said those bad mad are being naughty but the police men will tell them off, amazed at 3 what they take it, around armastice day we encourage him to go buy a poppy when we are out and say hello to the soldiers who fundraise around town, we try to teach him that these people are working to keep us safe and not to be afraid. We explain there is bad people in the world who do bad things and hurt people but there is the police and forces who are trying to stop them and to carry on what we are doing each day but if we do bump into something scary that we can explain things and support him.in anything he doesnt understand

[NowWhat1983]

Just look a refrigerator truck full of explosives did this to a shopping centre. But hey we didnt need to talk to our children about it. Or the bombing at Istanbul airport.

[NowWhat1983]

Exactly FruitCider.

250 people were killed in Baghdad on 3rd July to cite one example. Islamic State claimed responsibility singling out Shia Muslims and it was still Ramadan too.

Why did we not feel the need to talk to our children about this, for example?

[FruitCider]

This is the 84th terror attack in July 2016. Why is it only now you decide you need to talk about it?

[OnTheEdgeToday]

A 9-11 year old was walking behind me when leaving the school playground today. He asked his mum why people were so bothered about what has happened in france.
Kids hear what you say, but cannot really grasp the enormity of it. Unless actually faced head on with a situation, they will struggle to fully understand.

[caitlinohara]

We just mentioned to ours about what had happened: i.e. some bad people killed some people in Paris and it's very sad. If they want to ask questions beyond that they do and I try to answer them but have to be honest with them that I don't understand it all either. I remember stuff from my childhood like the Falklands, the IRA etc and it would seem weird to me to not even mention this stuff to my kids in the hope that they won't find out.

[LillianGish]

My kids are older - 12 and 14 which is easier in terms of explaining, but harder in the sense that they go out and go to school on their own etc. I don't think it makes any difference really - how could you protect your kids in a terrorist attack like that anyway? Yesterday at school they spent all day talking about the attacks in their various lessons and they brought the whole school into the playground for the minute's silence - they've been really impressive actually (and it's not often I say that about the French education system) I think with all kids (and with all the awkward questions they ask - not just about this) you tell them what they need to know. Better to hear the truth from you than have to settle for the nonsense rumours that can circulate in the playground at whatever age. Bon courage.

[BeeMyBaby]

My DDs are 6 and 3, they saw it on the news and DH and I just said some bad people killed and hurt others. They are Muslim so I am not going to talk any silly analogy regarding a boy named Sam. I am RC Christian and at no point when I was a child did my mother have to tell me I was nothing to do with the IRA.

[ISpidersmanYouMeanPirate]

Good post Lillian. My friends live very close to you then! They don't have the problem of explaining to DC yet as they're too little (creche), they were just unable to get home Friday evening. And after Charlie Hebdo and now this the creche personnel were very unhappy at having to work on Monday. They're scared.

How old are your DC?

Mine are 4 and 18 months. With DS1 we had to explain a bit but as we live in the 16th there aren't any visual reminders.

Purple I think it's a perfectly valid question, how to talk to your DC. I'm coming at it from the fact we live in Paris, so even more likelihood of DC hearing snatches of conversation at school etc. I've never talked to DS1 about terrorism or war or killing before. He's only 4. I need to now because we've been so affected by it.

I'm taking advice from my friend whose wife is a child psychologist. She had to work last weekend with children who'd been present during the attacks

[isitspringyet]

LillianGish. My thoughts are prayers are with you, very proud of your keep calm and carrying on with daily life, it must be truly awful.
My sensible head would echo your stance, I work for an airline and flew into NYC within days of flights recommencing after 9/11 and felt strong and fearless. I am however worrying this time as I is my son and do not want the terrorists to strike at what we do most - fear of carrying out our daily lives. But can't shake the worry. Thank you for taking the time to reply to my angst - I should have started a new thread. Not a regular.

[LillianGish]

My son is due to go visit Arras Christmas market in two weeks. I am not one to cave into hysteria. School advised the trip will go ahead as per FCO advice. I naturally am cautious - initially I wanted him to go however am wobbling and is it worth the risk? Would welcome thoughts. We live two minutes from the Bataclan in Paris. My DCs listened to the sirens on Friday and watched the news on TV broadcasting from the end of our street. Our road is now a shrine to all those who died - for the second time this year (Charlie Hebdo was five minutes away). On Monday my kids took the metro to school as usual. We could easily have been out and about on Friday night in any one of our neighbourhood restaurants. We weren't. No one could have predicted what was going to happen. We hope it won't happen again - it might, but it might be somewhere else entirely. You could stay at home and be struck by lightening or hit by a bus going out to buy a newspaper. Those are my thoughts. Grim as it might be, I think the best way to help my kids to come to terms with it is to show them the many thousands of candles and flowers in the street and point out that there were seven attackers but look how many more good people there are.

[CuttedUpPear]

This is it really.

[muppetmadmum]

I see your point, PurpleThermals, but i think what you're not realising is that some kids are super sensitive to these issues. My eldest daughter always has been up until about a year ago, (shes now 11) but my younger son is quite different and is able to hear and take on board all these things at an age my daughter wasn't. So it rather depends on your kids. Sounds like your sons are like my son which makes these subjects slightly easier to talk about.

[PurpleThermalsNowItsWinter]

I really dislike these posts- how do I talk to my children about...?
How do you talk to your children everyday? About how their bodies work, about eating healthily, about school and any associated issues? You talk to them in the same calm manner about Paris and answer their questions. Ds (6yrs) knows about Paris and he likes to watch newsround. Dd (4yrs) is still asking questions about soldiers from memorial Sunday so she hasn't been told anything. They both know about IS though, and how those people want the world to be run according to their interpretation of their beliefs. I have simply explained that they don't let girls go to school and expect all boys to train as soldiers which is part of the reason why we (the west) think that they are wrong, because girls should go to school and not all boys want to be soldiers.