Guest post: "Accepting my alcoholism gave me a way out - so why are we still scared of the term?"

[MumsnetGuestPosts]

Not long ago, I was having dinner with a friend while visiting London. The last time I'd seen her, we were tipsy in seafoam green dresses, two bridesmaids wobbling in silver heels with cocktails in our hands. Now, I no longer drink. A glass of seltzer sat on my side of the table, a glass of red wine on hers.

"Would you say you're an alcoholic?" she asked.

"I would," I said, and her eyes went wide. I could sense her looking around for the next thing to say. I'm sorry? Are you sure? That's okay?

"Alcoholic" can be an uncomfortable word. People's minds go to dark places: they see a woman pulling a secret bottle out from underneath her pillow. Someone lying in the gutter, drinking from a paper bag. The images don't line up with the real alcoholic women I see on a daily basis, with their easy laughs and their gentle hugs. They are mothers and high-achieving professionals and community leaders. Some of them have rough stories, and many of them are like me: the gutter was an internal place, a kind of soul-sickness. From the outside, we looked like we were doing fine - perhaps even great. But a fundamental shift had happened on the inside. Drinking had taken the wheel.

My romance with alcohol started at a young age. I was the first among my group of good little girls to start stealing sips from our parents' stash, but by high school, most of my friends were drinking, too. At university, we all hit the walls - late-night ragers, free-flowing pitchers of beer, jugs of wine. This wasn't a drinking problem; it was freedom.

There were signs that my drinking didn't look like other people's: I had blackouts, periods of temporary amnesia induced by too much alcohol, and though I tried to avoid them, they kept happening. I was also a girl who "held her liquor," which turns out to be a bit of a stretch. But I took pride in drinking men under the table, and many evenings I maintained just fine. While other girls vomited in the toilet and passed out on the couch, I kept going till dawn.

It's this relentless quality, more than anything, that was probably my undoing. I couldn't moderate. I watched friends open a bottle of wine, enjoy two glasses, and then put the cork back in the top. How did they DO that? Even when I was drinking by myself at home, I threw out the cork as soon I had pulled it, because that prop was no longer necessary. Not finish this bottle? But why?

For a long time, this quality masqueraded as normal. I was surrounded by the binge-drinking culture of young adulthood, where drinking to oblivion on occasion is accepted, even encouraged. By my thirties, I was living in New York, and the city lined up to support my bad habits: bars open till 4am; beer sold all night; cab drivers to take you home when you are too sloppy for the subway.

I had a series of near-misses. Falling down stairs, waking up in strange places, passing out on the couch with a pot of water on the stove, which did not end well. Friends started taking a step back. I had to do something about my drinking, but quit? Completely? I took quizzes for alcoholism, and read books, and talked to strong, smart women who had been there. I knew I had the bug. Still, my mind resisted the word itself. I still had my job, my apartment, I had never woken up in jail - how could I be an alcoholic? Then again, I had woken up inside other kinds of prisons, many times.

At first, saying the words "I'm an alcoholic" felt like a death sentence. Every time the phrase left my mouth, I felt an electric zap. I was fallen, tainted, a failure. As time passed, I began to see the words differently. The phrase became less of a noose and more of a rope which I could climb to get out of a hole where I had spent many years. The women I met who were alcoholics were big-hearted, honest, courageous, the kind of women I had always wanted to be. I started wondering why society treated this like a bad thing, a dead-end, when it was really the opposite - a way out.

It's been five years since I had a drink. I no longer flinch when I tell people I'm an alcoholic. It's just part of who I am. I know it startles other people when I say the words, because of their own associations, and I wish I knew how to make that moment a little easier for them. But part of what I try to do now is worry less about other people: am I entertaining them? Do they like me? Am I good enough? That was my drinking brain, always trying to be "on". Now I try to let go, and be whatever I am. An alcoholic, sure, but so many other things, too.

BLACKOUT: Remembering the Things I Drank to Forget by Sarah Hepola is published by Two Roads books, priced £12.99, and is also available as an ebook.

[ppeatfruit]

Dh has a bit of a problem with alk but he listens when I suggest the he's depressed with even a small brandy, so he stops and starts. We live in Fr. 50% of the time and he loves the best organic wine. He's on a weight loss diet and knows its fattenng so has more or less stopped. I have a glass of organic,non sulphite red wine occasionally (I get a terrible headache with the sulphites).

So we take elderflower cordial and lemon and lime with fizzy water in a cold bag when we go out so he doesn't feel tempted.

So IKWYM molly and well done on not 'giving in'

[mollyonthemove]

Thank you!

[rachelreallife]

Congratulations on 20 months Molly!

[mollyonthemove]

I found myself (20 months sober today!!!!) really craving sugar at the beginning and did up my chocolate intake . Luckily, I had already started running so that has been a massive help. If I got a craving I'd go and run. It still can be hard - pangs come and go. Dh and I had our first holiday alone for 17 years in Greece last month and I was rally sulky for a day or two when I saw the bottle of wine in the welcome pack and him having a few beers every day. I had to make myself remember the hideousness and humiliation that inevitably resulted form my drinking. It worked, but alcohol is so ingrained into us that it is hard to feel 'normal' when you're not drinking. Normalising heavy drinking was my special skill for 30 odd years

[rachelreallife]

Thank you ppeafruit

In the early weeks/months it's actually quite difficult to eat healthily. Certainly those of us that don't require detox (I have no experience with detox myself) our bodies still miss the sugar from the large amounts of alcohol (I was drinking the equivalent of up to 3 or 4 bottles of wine a day, at a little over 5 ft and a size 8!) so we end up craving a whole lot of sugar. So I piled the weight on in the first six months but once I felt I was 'safe' then I could look at my eating habits.

I still miss drinking occasionally and I sometimes resent those (including my husband) who can drink normally but I can't afford to hold on to those and I have to think about what ends up happening as well as the life I have now which is so much better than the one I had before.

[ppeatfruit]

rachelrealife Congratulations on finally coming out of that horrible cycle.
I was thinking that what the alcohol does to your body, the acidity,changes the personality; we become either depressed, aggressive, selfish or whatever so it's very difficult to 'snap out of it" . I'm a bit of a healthy diet freak but actually eating lots of fresh foods will help to overcome the acidity of the body. making it easier to fight the influence of alcohol.

[Outwith]

I know ppeat, I was trying to be measured . I might bow out of this thread now. Lots of luck to all.

[rachelreallife]

I've been in recovery now for 15 months and I am still struggling with applying the term 'alcoholic' to myself publicly.

I grew up around addiction with both of my parents being alcoholics (my mum was in and out of recovery, my father refused and still does refuse to acknowledge he has a problem) and I know the devastation it causes; my parents divorced because my mother got sober, she ended up on the merry-go-round of sobriety/relapse/sobriety etc until it killed her when I was 21. Growing up I was determined to not become one and as such I was a late starter when it came to alcohol. The trouble was, from the get go, I drank differently to my friends and I knew that. Sure, at first I could control it but my reasons for drinking (because it made me feel different), the fact that I always drank to get drunk etc should have been warning signs to me 15 years ago when I started drinking because I already knew so much about the illness but it's different when it's you. In my late teens/early 20s I put myself in very dangerous situations; unlicensed taxis, walking 4 miles home at 3/4 am because I'd spent all of my money and lost my friends, attending random house parties and staying with people I didn't know. I thought all of this was normal and if anyone challenged me (and they did) I told them they were being boring.

As I went on to get married and have a child, my consequences changed and were different but the drinking remained; the only time in my adult life I've been able to stay sober is when I was pregnant then breastfeeding. I would try to stop drinking and often get to 2/3 weeks, by which time I had become so angry and miserable, my husband would practically pour a glass of wine down my throat because I was unbearable to be around when not drinking, yet I couldn't stop once I'd started.

I am still too ashamed to admit on the Internet what was the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak but I guess ultimately it was no one event really, but a culmination of events. With the support of my family I went to an A.A meeting on 13 March 2014 (my last drink was 9 March) and I haven't looked back. I am happy and content with a more positive outlook on life and best of all, I have confidence that, one day at a time, my son will grow up with a sober mum and a dad who can drink responsibly.

Midnight is right; alcoholics ARE selfish, dishonest people, at least when it comes to alcohol and I can understand why she feels how she does. That said, I do think you'd benefit from Al-Anon even though you are no longer with your ex-husband, you have clearly been severely affected by alcoholism.

Sorry for the essay!

[ppeatfruit]

I'd be very surprised if anyone has had positive experiences of alcoholism actually Ouwith.

[bluetufty]

kudos to you Sarah for using the term alcoholic and being so passionate about raising awareness. I've been in recovery for 18 years and am still amazed at the lack of understanding of alcoholism. Thank you for your honesty.

[Outwith]

Yes, I also think that madwoman has posted very eloquently on this thread. Ultimately, the reason that a lot of people have negative associations with the word alcoholic is because they've had negative experiences of alcoholism.

[chaiselounger]

I wonder what WAS it, that the OP was drinking to forget?

[southeastastra]

Hi op I have bought your book and can't wait to read. I am hoping I can relate the it as I did the extract in the guardian though I don't wake up with strange men ! I do find the whole situation I find myself in to be lacking in understanding from the majority and RL help isn't any help iykwim.

[shirleybasseyslovechild]

madwoman I am stunned at the brilliance of your post.
Wish I had said that

[sobermum]

Now having not drank alcohol for 2 1/2 years, I desperately hope I will never allow myself to fall for the lie that is alcohol, again. When I'm strong I know I won't. When it's difficult I only hope I will know enough to hang on in there and 'this too passes'.
The one thing that stops me drinking when the want is great is that I KNOW that if I were to drink tonight, I would drink again tomorrow night, and the next, I'd be annoyed the next if I to drive my kids somewhere and feel cheated out of a Friday night if I was working and not drinking. It would very quickly descend again to the depths from which I have climbed and this scares the hell out of me.

I blog at //www.soberisthenewrachelblack.blogspot.co.uk drop by and say hello.

[madwomanbackintheattic]

I think it is an interesting question though - the whole point of Sarah's post is that there are associations with alcoholism (and although she steps short of being critical of people who find her confession uncomfortable, she is actively suggesting that we all lose those associations to make lives easier for alcoholics).

I think Midnight's post indicates perfectly why these associations exist, and trying to sanitise them out of existence by implying that alcoholics are all kind open hearted folk that have had a difficult time is problematic.

Distancing is one of the first techniques recommended by mental health professionals who are working with people whose lives are affected by other people's alcoholism. There is nothing you can do at all to control someone else's behaviour, and yet it can affect your life immeasurably. Even Sarah says 'Friends started taking a step back'. Distancing in action, right there.

Sarah's use of the word 'startle' to describe the reactions of listeners when she uses the word to describe herself is interesting. I am not startled when someone tells me they are an alcoholic. My 'associations' mean that I get a flood of overwhelming memories and put me - merely a witness - right back into the very dark days of trying to keep someone else together. It's nice that she wishes she could make it 'easier for us', but I can't help but feel it is a tad naive. It would be far more useful to us if she understood the harrowing associations that cause reticence in this situation, rather than assuming it's all about some societal demonisation that is all a bit petty. 'I started wondering why society treated this like a bad thing'...

Clearly accepting your alcoholism is the only chance you have of sobriety. That is not a bad thing. But it is extremely naive to artlessly ponder why society has these associations, whether you are an alcoholic or not.

It may be that the rest of her book (for this is merely an ad, clearly Sarah has no intention of joining a conversation) deals with the affect her drinking had on other people. Often those other people try to keep how much they are affected secret, in order not to antagonise the alcoholic further and make the situation worse. It may be that this is just an unfortunate excerpt which deals solely with how her alcoholism affected her, and not other people.

The 'selfish' thing is interesting. Clearly it's a bad thing for the other people affected by someone else's drinking, but in and of itself, it is a useful tool in recovery (another reason why distancing works well for others).

I have nothing but support for her and others who fight this on a daily basis. But if she is going to enter the debate on alcoholism in society (and not just try to sell her book) then I would love to discuss whether she really understands why people react the way they do to her statement, and that 'making it easier for them' is an enormously complex issue that isn't going to be solved by a bit of wondering.

[shirleybasseyslovechild]

midnightvelvet what a brave post.
I agree , I am very wary of alcoholics , recovering or otherwise

[midnightvelvet01]

Thanks ppeat & Outwith :)

Mintyy at no point am I being rude to the OP or implying that alcoholics are selfish arseholes. My ex was indeed a selfish arsehole but I'm not ranting here, I'm narrating my history of 12 years of being married to an alcoholic & the ongoing perception of alcoholism that its left me with through my lived experience.

Not everyone will react favourably towards the OP when she tells them of the addiction, & rather than those people being written off as unsympathetic idiots, I thought I would explain my reasons for my actions if someone were to say that to me.

[Mintyy]

I thought midnightvelvet was rather rude and dismissive towards op. It is brave to admit to alcoholism (because it is a very big deal indeed) but midnight is still so angry with her ex that she accuses all alcoholics of being selfish arseholes.

Well, yes, I'm sure that's quite true. But how helpful is that to op or other alcoholics who might be trying to find some encouragement in her blog post?

"So for you Sarah yes, it may be empowering to tell people you're an alcoholic, you may wonder why society sees it as a bad thing. But I'm sorry, I truly am, but if you tell me you are an alcoholic then my feelings towards you will change & I will distance from you."

What midnight went through is horrendous and of course she deserves to be heard. But right here on this thread, really? She can start her own thread to rant about her dh anywhere on Mumsnet at any time.

I accept that you disagree with me, but I hope can sort of see what I'm trying to say.

[ppeatfruit]

Sorry not Clarabel I meant Midnightvelvet.

This thread is a perfectly acceptable place for her post Minty

Everyone is different and their experiences are all valid aren't they?

[Outwith]

Why do you say that Mintyy?

I can't add my story (alcoholic DF). But it's useful and interesting to me to read all of the very different stories here - I think my experience is closer to madwoman's than to the OP's.

[Mintyy]

I think you could have found a better place to put your feelings midnightvelvet01. This thread is not the place for it.

[53Dragon]

I've had quite a few friends who are or were alcoholics. Five of them are dead now, others sober for years.
One in particular stands out - she's been sober for just over 3 years and has to work very hard at it - attends meetings 5x per week. It hasn't been an easy ride.
When she first stopped drinking she confided in me and said she's only told me and 2 other people including my mum. Why us? I asked. I'm far from being her closest friend and my mum had only been part of her life because our kids attended the same school.
She said she told me because I was the first person who'd ever told her that her drinking was becoming a problem - about 10 years earlier. And my mum had had a broken hip so my friend had been her carer for a few weeks when I had to go back to work till my mum could manage on her own - so friend had put her tights on, washed her etc - an intimate relationship when my mum was vulnerable.
That's it isn't it? Be strong - face up to the fact that you have a problem. Then be vulnerable - accept that you have a weakness and allow others to care for you?
I don't know - like most of us I've never had a problem putting the cork back but I'd never look down on anyone who can't. It's better to say something than be 'polite' and watch them drink themselves to an early grave.

[mollyonthemove]

I totally get your anger midnight, and yes I was incredibly selfish when I was drinking. I was like, horrible, nasty, unkind, made people cry (unforgivably my then small daughter) and I didn't give a shit about anyone. I broke hearts and physically hurt my dh. Now I am sober, I know that. People who never knew me as a drinker think I am kind thoughtful and incredibly selfless. Perhaps that is me trying to make up for what I did over those years or maybe this is the real me, I don't know. I wouldn't blame anyone who has had to live through the pain being with an uncontrolled drinker hating us all and it is actually really refreshing to hear someone saying how angry and disgusted they are.

[ppeatfruit]

Clarabel Wow you are brave. I'm so glad that there is a satisfactory ending to your terrible experience.

As you said yourself everyone is different and I know you can have very selfish people who don't touch a drop of alcohol. Our ex dil is one of those, she had a terrible mother so I try to understand her. For our GD's sake.