Please don't throw tomatoes for posting here about my toddler

[mrsgboring]

DS can do all the usual tricks with letters and numbers, and has fabulous speech yada yada yada. He's 2.5 and I of course think he's wonderful and marvellous and am very excited by all the lovely things he can do, but I know that it doesn't necessarily mean he's a young genius in the making.

However, it feels like everyone else is trying to label him just that. People always praise his speech and proceed to predict his IQ and it gets excessive after a while. Maybe everyone gets this, I don't know?

I worry that if it continues, it will put too much weight of expectation on DS. And it's getting a bit frustrating for me too. Last week I met with some postnatal group friends and they were chatting about potty training. They cut me out of the conversation because they assumed DS would have done it easily ages ago (he hasn't). Once someone sharing a proud mummy moment even prefaced it with "I know this is nothing compared to DS, but..." which made me feel awful. And now I feel like I can never do my own proud mummy sharing for fear it seems like boasting.

What can I do? Do I need to do anything, or will it go away of its own accord?

[maggiethecat]

I used to be bashful about saying my DD1 is bright but now I say it without reservation because I think that she is - not marked against any particular standard or test of intelligence but because in a common sense kind of way I just know. And I share what MrsB said about wanting to share anecdotes of things said that were funny/cute. I remember when DD1 had just turned 2 and we were both in the loo (she on her potty and me on my throne) and when she was finished she got up and asked "would you like some privacy now?". Of course, I wanted to share this (and still do, clearly) especially since I was still watching her speech/character etc develop. It's all a joyous revelation - watching who they become and even if our children do not turn out to be superachievers it is right that we should want to share these moments of brightness with others

[tigermeow]

"As adults some people are stronger than others in certain areas (note I have avoided saying more intelligent than others) - it is a fact of life. I really am irritated by the way we don't seem to be able to acknowledge children's intellectual strengths in society as it is always seen as boastful even if it is not intended that way."

So so true. Intelligence varies hugely amongst both adults and kids, yet having a bright child is seen as a hothousing, pushy thing. It is also deemed 'right' to put your child into a sports club and nurture their sporty interests but if a child loves academics then it isn't 'correct' to nurture that interest.

[MNersanonymous]

But Tiger - you shouldn't have to play down her milestones.

I'm sure in many other countries people aren't so awkward about all this kind of thing.

I always find that if something becomes apparent about ds and the things he can do seemingly 'early', I end up then adding 'oh but he's not so good at x' because I'm so self conscious about sounding boastful. I hate feeling like this.

I'm sure as others say the obvious differences will lessen but if a child does end up e.g. always top of the class, then the issues of intellectual differences between children will be there to an extent and as a parent you will always have to deal with that.

As adults some people are stronger than others in certain areas (note I have avoided saying more intelligent than others) - it is a fact of life. I really am irritated by the way we don't seem to be able to acknowledge children's intellectual strengths in society as it is always seen as boastful even if it is not intended that way.

(Incidentally my ds is not that good a talker so that helps mask what I know he knows and makes it easier!)

[tigermeow]

Hi
My DD is labelled 'the geek' or 'the odd' one by other parents at the toddler group. I have had messages left on DDs blog with links to Aspergers sites. I have comments about hothousing, pushing, flashcarding etc. The best comments so far though have been 'are you sure she isn't high functioning autistic' and 'I wouldn't be surprised if she was Aspergers'. What ever you do as a parent, you will not win in the eyes of other parents.
I listened in on a group of new mums the other day at Borders all competing over how much their 2month olds weighed, who had rolled over the first, who was on baby rice. Other mums are a competitive bunch and will always look to compare.
When I am told the milestones/latest development of another child I alway listen, give praise to the child and smile. I dont ever share DDs milestones unless people ask. If they do ask then I play down a lot of DDs abilities. If she is within earshot then I wont play her down, that isn't fair.
Your son sounds like a very bright, lovely little chappy.
I am hoping the milestone obsessed years will pass quickly.

[singersgirl]

Sorry to hear about your first child, MrsGBoring.

Well, as others have said, the stuff with your DS will go away or at least lessen. All the children will be talking in sentences by 4 and your DS's speech, while it will probably still be advanced, will stand out less. We had it all the time with DS2 and I know what you mean about it being awkward at times. I remember once on the swings some stranger haranguing me over how old he was and what I had done with him to make him speak so well .

We had it later with his reading, but now by 6 almost everyone's child is reading, so again, it's much less noticeable. But there was a time when people we knew kept 'testing' DS2's reading ("Are you really reading that? Can you read that? Is he really reading that? Read this bit for me"). He hated it and I was torn between being proud (of course!) and wanting them to leave him alone.

Enjoy your little boy. He sounds lovely.

[mrsgboring]

Shabster and Marina, so sorry to hear of your losses too.

Yurt and Riven, I completely understand how tired you must be of the troubles of "my gifted child" and its parents. I am in awe of those who get on with it and look after children with big needs such as yours have.

Tortoiseshell, that is exactly where a lot of my friends are coming from, I know that. And I really do hate to feel that my DS is adding to the emotioinal temperature in any way, but at the same time, I don't want to start apologising for his existence.

Don't get me wrong, I know my friends aren't obsessed with either his achievements or even their own DCs' but I see a distance developing there and it's something that has been with me through my own gobby, precocious childhood too. Just life I suppose and not much to be done, but thank you for all your words of wisdom.

And as for the intelligent weed at the bottom of the climbing frame, can totally relate to that. You should have seen how ruffled my maternal feathers were by the church Easter egg hunt, where DS only managed two tiny eggs and some kids were collecting boxfuls.

[mistlethrush]

I've got a bright ds (2.11) and I know what you mean about milestones and people saying 'oh, isn't he bright' etc - but I remember a family from when I was growing up - the youngest was several years younger than me - before they were walking properly, they were 'into' insects - to the extent that they had very detailed books on internal workings, had all the words etc. They did go on to be very clever. Compared to that, my ds is relatively average! So I don't worry too much, say 'its so difficult to tell at this stage' and help him to enjoy life, have fun and be filled with enthusiasm for knowledge.

[tortoiseSHELL]

Sorry to hear about your first child mrsgboring.

Your ds sounds lovely. Dd was very quick at all that stuff, and now is doing excellently at school in reception. Ds1 wasn't such an early talker, but was very early with all the physical stuff (except swimming!). He is doing really well at school too (Y2) - he isn't top of the class as dd is, but he is doing really well, especially as a summer born boy - was a free reader at the beginning of Y2, and is making huge progress which is all you can ask really!

Ds2 is 23 months, and slow at everything. Only started walking in the last couple of months. Virtually no speech. Certainly doesn't do colours or letters. And sometimes it can be really hard if friends tell you the amazing things their children are doing - I am not worried about ds2, he will do stuff in his own time, but it is dis-spiriting when people say 'my nearly 2 year old can read all his letters, count to 100, and dance a jig, he must be very bright', when you think 'mine can't do anything!'.

But boy can he laugh! He is a jolly beast, and totally lovable - has a great sense of humour. And he can NOW sing 'Stop the Pigeon' to 'Doh doh doh-doh'....

Maybe that's where your friends are coming from? Maybe they are actually anxious about their own child's development (if ds2 wasn't a very neglected third child I would be terrified about his) and can't actually cope with another child doing well?

[bozza]

Actually though DS had glue ear so was a bit speech delayed - obviously caught up. And DD has been a good, clear and early speaker. A wry smile of recognition at Marina's description of having the articulate child at the bottom of the climbing frame. Both of mine, like this....

[bozza]

QS he sounds much like my DS except for that mine didn't even bother bum shuffling - he went straight to walking. And he could walk before he could pull himself up - so we could stand him up by the chair and he could walk across the room and all round but if he fell over he was stuck. So quite slow with the milestones - and learning to swim and ride a bike have also been challenging for him and are still works in progress.

But he knew all his letters and numbers at 2 1/2 and was well-known for being fantastic at puzzles. And now at 7, he is academically able and a real bookworm but I don't think exceptional.

DD OTOH has been nowhere near as good at learning numbers and letters or as interested in puzzles, but did manage to crawl at 10 months and has developed a reasonable breast stroke leg kick.

I think you need to have proud mummy moments with DH and the grandparents.

[marina]

We had a fair bit of this with ds mrsg. He was very good at talking, which is a very "obvious" skill in early toddlerhood.
I know what you mean about finding it a bit awkward when people comment at some length about this. And ds' early playmates were all the strong, silent types too! So he would be tweeting away ineffectually at the bottom of a very small climbing frame while everyone else was shinning up it expertly .
Honestly though, it will come out in the wash. Early talking is great because IME it does reduce the number of wild tantrumming due to being unable to explain their feelings or needs, but by the time he is at nursery school or in Reception, he will stand out less. Others will also have their colours and letters, and possibly blends too.
Be quietly proud of him, as others say, he sounds smashing
Our second baby was prematurely stillborn so I agree heartily with shabster as ever - an experience like that can't NOT inform your subsequent parenting XXX

[QuintessentialShadows]

My oldest (nearly six) was labelled "The Intellectual" by my post natal friends, they kept marvelling at his great speech, for being able to do even the most complex puzzles for 4 - 5 year olds, for always working out how to do complex things. Yet, he was bumshuffling rather than crawling, and did not walk till 13 months. They were also saying things like "oh, I know yours already do, but...." I also felt a bit bad, but I still marvelled at his new achievements, and nobody minded one bit.

We all know they develop differently, so most people I have met are not stressing but see the achievement and developments of their own children compared to their own child a little while ago, and not compared to other children.

Relax.
My son is now pretty normal, ok, clever, but not highly G&T.

[mrsruffallo]

I am afraid people will always think you are boasting, especially the ones who are a bit insecure about their own childs developement.
Both my dc are clever, dc1 was doing all the things you mention at 2.5.
It is always awkward when you have a very bright child as you get quite self concious about sounding boastful but on the other hand
part of you wants to talk about how he is doing.
Just be quietly pround and say thank you when people mention his achievements.
My dc1 is nearly 5 now and still very advanced, and I still get comments on it and I still try not to come across as boastful when people ask how she is doing at school.

[shabster]

It is definitly all connected love. I think because of the grief and sadness you have experienced it makes you even more appreciative of how fragile this weird life is. I have lost 2 of my 4 sons and my DS4 is as bright as a button - I think that my heart and mind realised that I wasn't trying to replace his brothers but he was, and is, such an amazing blessing.

[mrsgboring]

Thank you Shabster. Don't really know why I mentioned it, but it must be all bound up together somehow in my mind.

It's not that I sit around in toddler groups going "my child can do this, can yours?" that would be awful. But occasionally I want to share something funny DS has said, not because it's clever but because it's funny or revealing (like the time a while ago I asked him to say bye bye Daddy and he shouted down the stairs, "DH have you gone to work properly?" which I think is revealing that I'm a terrible nag.) He always chooses people who are worried about their child's speech to go up to and say some bizarre and complex thing to as well, and sometimes you can see the stress on their faces and I hate that. I seem to be in a slightly stressed and competitive environment for this sort of thing...

Anyway, yes. Must go and actually parent my supremely gifted child now instead of leaving him upstairs to shred our insurance documents.

[Eddas]

i'm not suprised you are marvelling at his achievments with what you have been through

What is blending btw

FWIW my dd was much the same. When she started preschool lots of the teachers (as she calls them) kept asking if i'd been teaching her things. She knew all her numbers/letters/colours/shapes and a good deal more. I don't teach her btw. I just used to read to her alot and she picked it all up from there. She's always been a good talker and now (at nearly 4) comes out with things leaving people She can't write her name yet though so not that g&T

[shabster]

mrsgboring - no one seems to have picked up on the last part of your last post.

I am so sorry to hear that your first child was stillborn there is no death so sad than that of a child....

Your DS sounds wonderful - it will be such fun for you to watch his progression through life. He sounds a delight - enjoy each other

[mehdismummy]

tis true yurt. So what if such and such a toddler can talk in tongues at 2.5 my ds cuddles me kisses me and loves me thats all care about. So what if he is not the next steven hawkins or a high achiever as long as he is happy thats all i care about. Women wind me up who go on about the gifted children.

[yurt1]

Talk about the weather. Or Eastenders (haven't watched it for years, but isn't Ricky coming back?) or the Apprentice. Or recipes, or books, or the credit crunch. Loads of topics that are nothing to do with toddler 'achievements'.

No-one's interested in what another child is doing anyway, they're only interested in their own.

[mrsgboring]

Thank you all. BoysAreLikeDogs, I didn't mean you had set a trap, but I knew how this thread could turn if I wasn't careful.

And FWIW, I do hate the label PFB, as DS isn't, he's a PSB, my PPFB was stillborn. Which just makes me all the more sensitive. So, sorry.

[Blueblob]

My eldest son had very good speech, letters etc etc etc and as a toddler I got many nice remarks. Plus a few slightly worried ones from other parents at toddler groups. In situations with other parents I tended to say something nice about the other children. Joining in on conversation topics where my child was average or slower. As TroutPout said people are milestone mad during the first few years.

[PaulaYatesBiggestFan]

my slow slow slow pfb who did nothing early is top of the academic heap at 15

[BoysAreLikeDogs]

I didn't set a trap, MrsB

[hurt]

[Piffle]

you can never second guess what the future hold for precocious bright or even genius toddlers. All you can do is nurture and encourage, support and love this smart little fellow as he grows up.
fwiw my genius spotted toddler is now a hulking 14 yr old. And still at the top of the heap;) while the gap has closed undeniably ( he is at good grammar school) he still excels.
As for what his future holds? Still could not guess. Hope for success and happiness but being clever is no guarantee