What the hell is wrong with me?

[LibrariesGaveUsP0wer]

I have mentioned bits of this on a couple of other threads, but feel I need to put it in one place.

Just after new year, I woke up in the night after a horrid, graphic nightmare. Heart pounding, drenched in sweat. It involves a sort of eco-apocalypse and my kids. Came out of the blue. No prior problems.

For days afterwards, I couldn't shake it. I then started having really intrusive 'end of the world' type thoughts all the time - even throwing a crisp packet in the bin could set me off.

I am normally very mentally robust. Had some (not formally diagnosed) depression as a teenager, but nothing for 20 years. The thing that normally calms me down after a rough day is snuggling up with my kids, but I was finding even that could set off the anxiety and bring me close to tears.

I am now struggling with a racing heart. Not panic attacks exactly (I had them a few times as a teen too), just periods where I feel like my heart is going far too fast and my chest is being sat on.

I am exhausted all day and fall asleep quickly but often wake in the night and don't feel refreshed in the morning. I am permanently irritable.

Also, although I'm supposedly on a diet to shift the last of the baby weight (18 months old now), I am not really eating much differently. Yet I've lost half a stone in two weeks.

I have tried to make a doctor's appointment once, but the appointment time got ballsed up and I had to cancel. I now have to wait until Monday for another one. In the meantime, does anyone have any idea what could be wrong with me? The obvious thing seems to be some sort of depression, but I just don't understand how that would come on literally overnight in someone who has no real history. I feel like I'm losing my mind!

[Librariesgaveusp0wer]

Yes not doing much

[Mellifera]

OP, please consider having this thread moved to Mental Health.

It sounds like clinical depression, it can go downhill really fast. Please take the Valium and take every day, every hour, every minute at a time.

There is help out there, you're not alone.
Can your DH take time off work? Anyone else? Close friend or relative.

It will get better, honestly. I've been there, it's a horrible place, your mind is tricking you, you are ill.
You've done the first steps, keep on going.
and for you.

[Librariesgaveusp0wer]

My husband is off work and with me.

It just all seems so logical. The environment is fucked. My kids generation may be the last ones to live most of their lives in comfort. When DD2 talks about being a mummy one day it nearly breaks me.

[Mellifera]

Op, there is better medication for anxiety than Valium, the psychiatrist will hopefully start you on something better.
Do you sleep? That's a priority now. Sleep and regular meals, even something small.
Remember that your kids need you in their life. Whatever bad may happen to them, losing their mum is the worst thing.

I'm glad your DH is around. Talk to him. Do you have any hobbies you have to concentrate on? Knitting, jewellery making, pottery? Anything like that would be good for you now, to try and give your poor mind a rest.

I know the feeling, it's like a downward spiral, a rollercoaster out of control and you cannot get off.

It's a shit place to be. Nobody can tell you the planet isn't fucked, but it's not simple black and white thinking - your depression does that to you.

I hope you feel better soon.

[Librariesgaveusp0wer]

Sleep is all I do. I eat a little.

The planet is fucked. How do I get better when that remains true.

[Mellifera]

What would you have answered at Christmas if someone had asked you if you think this planet is fucked?

[Librariesgaveusp0wer]

Until I had the nightmare I think I had my head in the sand. I thought all the apocalyptic flooding was a couple of hundred years away. It's not.

[Mellifera]

I think your mind only has one loop at the moment and you cannot get out without help.
I don't think you had your head in the sand, you possibly had a healthy view on the matter.
There is no arguing the fact that mistakes have been made, but it doesn't mean the planet is doomed.
Your view is purely negative because you are ill. All things positive have been banned from your mind.
Have a restful night.

[PitilessYank]

I agree with Mellifera. Being depressed and anxious is like having a metal spike in one's head in that one's capacity for logical thought is severely diminished and will continue to be so until the spike is gone. Right now you are looking at the world through shit-colored glasses.

You have lost your "Yes, but..." capability, but it will return. That is the ability to say "The world is in trouble, yes, but we can still fix things, my children will be happy", etc.

While you are being treated be very gentle with yourself, sleep as much as you need, allow other people to take care of you. I have been there and it is horrific. You will get better.

[Mellifera]

How has today been, OP?

[LibrariesGaveUsP0wer]

Crisis team just left. Have lots more drugs.

[PitilessYank]

How was it meeting with them? What did they recommend? Good for you for calling them.

[Librariesgaveusp0wer]

I have a much higher dose of diazepam and they are putting me on sertraline. They want to get it up to 150 mg as fast as I can tolerate.

[Pointlessfan]

Pleased you are getting treatment/help. Previous advice about sleeping as much as you need is good too.

[stareatthetvscreen]

yy pleased you are getting help.the drugs will be a great help.xx

[Mellifera]

I hope you will feel better with the meds, they take a while to start working.

You'll get through this. Be kind to yourself, don't beat yourself up about it.

[LibrariesGaveUsP0wer]

Today has been a much better day. I took a proper dose (not what the crisis team called 'a piddly little bit' I had been given before) of diazepam and slept all night.

Took the first sertraline this morning. Upset tummy earlier on, but nothing major.

Had a bit of a wobble this morning - churning tummy, tight chest, panic. Quietly took another 2mg of diazepam (the doctor had considered whacking me onto 30, so I figured 12 total over 12 hours was ok) and that got me up and out.

I've been up and about all day, if a bit detatched.

Crisis team coming later.

Can feel all the issues 'under there' so just hope that there is long term help as well as the crisis management available.

[PitilessYank]

That detached feeling is okay; it is better than acute anxiety, panic, and depression you had been feeling...

I started with medication, and years later started therapy to unroof and expose some of the underlying issues-and it has been helpful. I hope you are able to access therapy soon. I waited because I was not ready for it.

I hope you have a good visit with the crisis team, and that you get some sleep tonight.

[Librariesgaveusp0wer]

Crisis team were good. Same woman as came yesterday, which felt reassuring. Ok on the medication so far.

[stareatthetvscreen]

good news :)

[Mellifera]

I hope too that you get the long term help with therapy, to get working on those issues you feel surfacing.

There is a journey ahead of you, but you will get through. One thing at a time, and getting used to the meds is your first goal.

[Mellifera]

How are you, Libraries?

[Librariesgaveusp0wer]

Baby steps. Thank you for asking about me.

Still have some very wobbly moments but now functioning (getting up is the hard bit - have been doing headspace to calm me enough )

I feel like I have locked the monsters in a cupboard. They still want to get out. The next step is going to be evicting the ones I can and taming the ones I can't so I don't go back there.

DH and my parents are being fab. Slightly worried about when we have to move out of crisis mode and they need to work etc.

[Mellifera]

I think therapy is needed for those monsters. It's hard when your support network has to go back to their normal life, but if you continue to take baby steps, you'll get through. Forget housework, just focus on what's really important.
Your mental health has to be your priority now.
Good luck with those monsters. I think they may have been under the surface for a long time, so it needs time to bring on change.

[amarmai]

had similar panic episodes last summer and racing heart was one of my symptoms too. Student dr gave me a great tip to calm my heart= stroke my front neck with an open hand. Works for me.