We are thinking of fostering - any advice appreciated

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Hi,

We are considering doing short term fostering (I've read that can be anything up to 2 years).

I am currently an experienced primary school teacher but if we fostered, husband would continue his job and I would finish teaching.

We have 2 sons of our own (currently ages 7 and 2).

We have plenty of room in our home including a spare room.

We don't really know where to start, if it is a good idea for our family circumstances or what we should be considering.

Any advice from people who have been in our position before would be great please.

Thank you x

a good resource is fosterwiki.com. An essential thing if you do become foster carers is to join the foster carer union as protection against false allegations and inappropriate procedures by social workers.

My advice is wait until your children are older. Let them have their childhood first.

Your DC are very young for this.

I am the child of Foster parents who have short term fostered around 20 children.

Once the Foster children came, we couldn't go and snuggle in our parents' bed in the mornings because the Foster children weren't allowed to. We had to wrap up in towels to walk from the bathroom and put on pyjamas and dressing gowns when leaving our rooms. We couldn't be bathed as siblings any more because it wasnt fair on the Foster children. Obviously safeguarding has to be the absolute priority (and i include in that my parents protecting themselves from allegations from often vengeful families who didn't seem to understand that their kids were eith us because they had allowed them to be catastrophically injured / abused by their new boyfriend / neglected, and not because we as a family fancied having a toddler around.) But we went from a comfortable, relaxed family environment to having to ensure we thought about things like nudity overnight.

My mum and dad were stressed and the Foster children couldn't come on holidays with us as they had 4 times a week contact with their birth families who didn't turn up to the sessions but wouldn't allow them to be waived so the kids could come to Butlins with us. The Foster children came to us with very different rules embedded (from swearing to not using cutlery etc). It sounds psthetic but it upset us all so much. We then had to watch them leave, going back to situations which we all knew weren't actually ideal but they were with their birth families so had to suck it up.

Please wait until your own children are older.

I think you have to accept that fostered children are often troubled. This is not a reason to avoid doing it of course because those kids needs a place to stay, but just to consider the impact it will have on your own kids?
They will have less attention from you and also possibly witness challenging behaviour /shouting/hitting/hostility in their home. Also a lot of change and having to adapt to new foster children regularly.
I know I wouldn't want this for my kids while so young.

Also to consider how it may change the family dynamic. For example if you want grandma to come do bath time with your kids, they probably wouldn't be allowed to be around while foster child getting bathed etc. Puts restrictions around normal every day family occurrences. So it's another way that it may impact having your kids yourself

Don’t do it until your children are older.
Foster children require 100% of your time and energy. Enjoy your own children, they won’t be young forever.
Our short term fc is still here 12 years later, you can never be certain of the length of time they need caring for.
As f0ster carer said take a look at fosterwiki, you’ll see what fostering is really like.

@distinctpossibility this is incredibly insightful. Thank you for your honesty.

I am a foster carer, I'd honestly wait until your children are a bit older. I think 2 is too young.

It is far from the fairytale portrayed that you just look after another child and add them into your family. We've had kids who have been amazing and it's still hard and difficult. You have got to continually write everything down, which is difficult and easy to forget as it is without your own little ones. You have safe guarding procedures so like distinctpossibility said, birth children do suffer.

Then days out can be difficult during term time as your tied to contacts/ family time. Picking up your own children can be difficult if you get school run family times. Holidays... well my family and to go without a holiday abroad for almost 4 years due to not being able to get a passport for the child and not being able to have respite. Respite here is extremely difficult to get even if you are totally drained and at breaking point. My children are older and understanding but even I resent that I've missed out on opportunities with them because fostering is way more invasive of family life than we anticipated.

Family time can be difficult. Parents can be great or go out of their way to make your life hell. You are expected to dicate the rest of your days around family time, which can be everyday Mon to Fri. You don't get a say in the days or length of time. Some children also have it twice per day. I had 1 child who had it 4 times a week with mum and 3 times with dad.

Also short term is no longer 2 years, it's 2 years 6 months and from experience that is quite accurate.

Another thing, that is more for your eldest is dealing with the loss when the child goes back home or moves to adoption... it's hard! There's very little support for this.

I love what I do but I'm glad they were old enough to understand because even now it's hard

I'm another foster carer saying wait until your children are older. Fostering takes over your whole life and often your own children have to take a backseat. We did it the 'wrong way round' in that we already had a long term placement with us when I became unexpectedly pregnant. Our daughter has grown up with the foster children as basically her brothers but she still finds things hard and she and the younger one are constantly arguing because he's very jealous of her and therefore horrid to her. And then I find it hard to not show favouritism towards her when I try not to peace keep!

Once our teenage foster sons move out I would do it again but only with a baby, short term.

I'm a foster carer and I too say wait until yours are older.

I foster too. Let your children have mummy and daddy to themselves until they are older. Your lives will change dramatically in ways you've not even thought of yet.

I'm a Foster Carer and I waited until my youngest son was 15. It seemed like a good time. Our Foster Child came as a 5 year old on an emergency placement. He's now 17 and thriving. We love him very much but it takes both me and DH to deal with him almost full time because he has learning disabilities and complex needs. He had a terrible start in life and it feels really good to see him flourish now and exceed all our early expectations. Its really worth while being a Foster Carer but I'd wait until your own DC are older because as well as some foster children making allegations against carers some can also be made against your own DC too. We waited in part to protect our own DC from any potential allegations.

Hi,

If you need any help on fostering please contact [email protected], they offer free therapy before hand before you take up fostering and can point you in the right direction as they work with a number of agencies and local authorities. It's a free service and they have been amazing.

Kind regards

This

My DB and wife fostered from when DN was about 6/7 and looked after children from serious neglect and abuse households. Often 2 young foster children at once. DN is now 12 and he has severe trauma issues himself from incidents that have occurred over the years with foster children.

@distinctpossibility thats a really insightful reply.

OP - I waited until DD was midteens (SEN). She gets attached and then upset when they leave even now after doing respite for 6+ years. I need to remind her that they are with us for a whole host of reasons, but they are not there for her, or to be her friend.
When you do come to do it, make sure you regularly have their own mates for sleepovers etc x

You are being selfish.
You want to fulfil some prophecy to make yourself feel better but at the same time, likely do damage to your own children.

It sounds silly but my advice would be expect the child to change as they grow and as they feel safe with you. I've seen so many placements break down because a formerly very compliant quiet child has begun acting very differently during and after puberty and into early teenage years. That time can be hard for everyone involved so be prepared to stick in for that.

Sorry I know this is a bit old this post, but as a mother with a single birth child, I started fostering when he was 5, and he's grown in confidence having a friend in the house. He's more confident with his friends, around adults, at school - he's saying yes to new hobbies. He's come on leaps and bounds. We foster with The Children's Family Trust and they're great at including my birth child in events and recognising his achievements. I feel like my son is living a more well rounded life than before.