Please Help me understand

[Solongtoshort]

Over the last year my child became friends with another boy who lives around the corner friend is 12, my ds11 he was very low key about his parents.
After about 6 weeks it came to light that he is in care, in a home with one other girl and carers come to the house and do shifts. He has been living like this since he was 9. He dad lives down South his Mum can’t see him at all, he has a sibling who is in a foster home, who he has contact with Bi monthly.

l feel so sorry for him, l don’t understand how children can be in this situation, why is he not in a foster home? surely this lovely young boy can’t feel loved and it must be very damaging to him mentally.
l want to understand why he hasn’t been fostered and placed in a home with stability. I have asked one of the carers but she just gave a blah “it is what it is answer”.

Today l overheard him talking to my son about how he wished he had a family, it broke my heart. Then of course my child came in and asked if he could live with us, which sadly is just not doable.

l can’t believe children have to live in these situations or why he hasn’t been placed with his brother.

So my question really is, What would be the reason for him to not be fostered, obviously the government think this is acceptable but l am getting more and more outraged by it, so is my husband.

He is such a sweet kid.

[Sandsational]

Simply, there aren't enough foster carers. Even for 9 year olds. It's common for boys (and it is especially boys, girls are slightly easier to find homes for) in my area to have to go into children's homes at that age and not necessarily indicative of any particularly troubling behaviour on the child's part. It's not as bad in all parts of the country, we particularly struggle.

Few people want to foster and a lot that want to can't, typically because:
-there is no spare room in their home
-they worry it would be detrimental to their existing children /family life
-all adults in the home are working full time and don't have capacity in their lives for a foster child.
-they already have other caring responsibilities e.g. elderly parent

What's your reason to not foster op? It probably falls into one or more of those above, like most people.

Sadly in my area the shortage has been exacerbated by Homes for Ukraine, we lost quite a few potential carers to that scheme as the money is good and it's perceived as less work.

[Ted27]

I have just started fostering a 12 year old who has been in a residential home for three years and a couple of disrupted foster placements before that.
He is a lovely young man, with much to like. He is also deeply traumatised . He desperately wants to be part of family but quite frankly has no idea how to live in one.
It's bloody hard work, yes he us lovely, he is also aggressive and verbally abusive. He has been with me 5 weeks and he has had 3 massive meltdowns where he spat in my face, threw big chunks of wood at me and poured out the most shocking, vile language.
Go away and die you ugly fat f**g c*t was probably the mildest thing he said.

You are seeing the nice side of that child, the side I'm focusing on with my foster child. But it's going to be a hard slog, it will take years to build trust, to help him work through his trauma.
But in a year he will be bigger than me. As much as I care about him and want to succeed, I will not be his punchbag.
It's a full time job which needs the right skills.
It's not simply a case of giving a child a nice home and it will all be ok

[Solongtoshort]

Thanks for your reply @Sandsational my reason for not fostering falls on all of your points, we did talk about looking into fostering but feel our youngest is too young.

l didn’t realise there would be such a lack of fosters for such a long period of time, to see children separated from their siblings. l feel like l hear of people saying they want children all the time, but if they are only after younger children and girls are easier to place, it’s sad for him. I hope since he has established a life friendships and goes to a local school they don’t move him, at least this would give him a little stability.

[Ted27]

Its not always in the child's best interests to be kept with siblings
My foster child had numerous siblings. Quite frankly I do not want him any where near 3 of them. I have to take him to see his dad once a month. He lies and manipulates him and I have to deal with the fall out.
You really have no idea what this child's history is.

[sadaboutmycat]

@Sandsational

Simply, there aren't enough foster carers. Even for 9 year olds. It's common for boys (and it is especially boys, girls are slightly easier to find homes for) in my area to have to go into children's homes at that age and not necessarily indicative of any particularly troubling behaviour on the child's part. It's not as bad in all parts of the country, we particularly struggle.

Few people want to foster and a lot that want to can't, typically because:
-there is no spare room in their home
-they worry it would be detrimental to their existing children /family life
-all adults in the home are working full time and don't have capacity in their lives for a foster child.
-they already have other caring responsibilities e.g. elderly parent

What's your reason to not foster op? It probably falls into one or more of those above, like most people.

Sadly in my area the shortage has been exacerbated by Homes for Ukraine, we lost quite a few potential carers to that scheme as the money is good and it's perceived as less work.

My friend wanted to foster 16+. She went through all the system and got refused because at size 22 she "wouldn't be able to pick a child up". At post 16.
The system is not fit for purpose. I worked in a council run care home. The Nanager had no understanding of real life and was off her head on weed most of the time. They were not allowed TVs in their rooms, The Simpsons was banned as it was too violent, the my were not allowed to trade games in for replacements. They were not allowed anything that other teens had which made them stand out like sore thumbs. Awful.
But no my friend who had all the space, time, love and capability wasn't allowed to foster one.
As I say; broken.

[Sandsational]

@Solongtoshort I don't think you're alone, I don't think the general public fully realise how bad the foster carers shortage is. Five years ago we were pretty much guaranteed to find a foster home for a primary age child and would have a decent chance for any child under 13. The cost of living crisis and the cost of housing (so that it's now a big luxury to have a spare bedroom) have had a massive impact.

[Solongtoshort]

@Ted27 no l don’t l know he has seen things that he shouldn’t of, l know the scar on his head is from protecting his sibling from getting hurt. I have met and witnessed the sibling together twice, I had to be present for 12 yo birthday party if my child was there, they all had fun then he in turn came to my child’s 11th birthday party. I never wanted to ask about what had happened to them at birthday parties.

[Ted27]

@Solongtoshort

And you shouldn't know what happened to them. That's their private information and not for you to know.

[CraftyGin]

We are foster carers - have been doing it for just over two years. When we first expressed an interest, the county bit our hands off. There is such a shortage.

I wouldn't completely put down children's homes. They typically have 4 - 6 children and for some children, this is what they ask for.

[Cassimin]

my nephews partner was in care. She told us she preferred being in residential rather than being in somebody else’s home as she felt uncomfortable just walking around, opening fridge, cooking etc as it was someone else’s environment. In residential everyone was the same.
Im a foster carer and have been for 12 years, our child has been with us all of this time, when they reach the end of being fostered I will finish too. They can stay as long as they want but I will be glad to be gone.
If they had moved on I would have left before now.
Fostering is really hard work, the ‘pay’ is scandalous, the support can be non existent, when problems occur it can turn both you and your families lives upside down.
Many carers leave and it’s becoming much harder to attract new ones.