WHat to do

[marapournumber4]

Hi . I didn't know this topic existed. I am an emergency/respite foster carer. After some troubles with older children I have said I would prefer to only have 8 years old and under.
They have just rung me asking for me to have a 9yo ( and said he'd only turned 9 recently) so I feel a bit bad to say no, but last time I had a 10yo here it took 2 social workers to get him to leave as he wanted to stay. That is why I said 8 as a maximum. My own 11yo found it quite distressing leaving for school whilst the 10yo foster boy was screaming that he wouldn't leave ( wanted me to home school him and stay with me ).
I wonder if I am doing more harm than good with older kids.
Bubbas and toddlers are no troubles at all.

If you have had a stressful experience then do what is best for you... Can you stick 2 years max, do you think that would help? Please don't feel guilty you are doing what's best for you and your family

It's harder to do emergency/respite with the older ones than it is to take planned placements imo. With children aged 5+ they already have their personalities, quirks, behaviours so ideally you'd want to ask loads of questions to try to make sure they are a match for your family. E.g. are you a busy family doing lots of activities or are you more a family that stays at home and likes quiet time, and which would suit the 9 year old? Are they a determined character that needs strong boundaries or a shy wallflower who needs a sensitive parent to draw them out, and does that fit with your style of parenting? Do you value routine or are you quite free and easy? So you find out what they are actually like - not just the list of needs on the referral form - to know whether they would be a good fit for you or not (with the caveat that of course you can't know everything, it's not an exact science and you still need to be able to deal with the unexpected).

Obviously with emergency/respite it's hard (often impossible) to do these things, you have to deal with the child in front of you and everyone is winging it a bit, so if you're not confident with that it's maybe not the best option for you.

Would you consider taking older children as planned short term placements to build your confidence with the age range? Then you might feel ready to offer emergency to them.

Your house, your rules. Not unreasonable for them to approach you as prospective placement is only a few months outside your criteria. Take a look at the referral as a whole, make your decision and stick with it. Don't feel pressured.

Never feel bad about saying no - go with your gut. My SW explained to me that even if they think a placement may be unsuitable, they still have to ask all the potential carers as if they don’t, it looks like they haven’t done their job. Completely pointless and a lot of bureaucracy but unfortunately, that is the reality. Never feel guilty, you stick to what feels right for you. If it feels wrong from the beginning, it probably is wrong. Be strong and remember you are doing an incredible thing but you can’t give everyone a home, as much as you might want to. By you saying no sometimes, it then gives that child a chance to go to where they maybe need to go if that makes sense?! Take care :)