Attempted suicide and mental health affects on the Foster Carer

[FosterCarer20]

Hello,

My husband and I are foster carers and a young person in our care has within the last 48 hours, tried to take their life. We are all home now but as you can imagine, it has been a traumatic time. We are getting the young person the help they need but I will admit, I am struggling to process what is happening.

I am feeling very alone as I have tried talking to 2 different people today (and I hope this doesn’t come across as selfish) but when I said I was struggling, they both then said I shouldn’t feel guilty and that young person will get the support, I will make sure they do etc. I kept on trying to say it was myself that was struggling at that moment and it was me that was looking for help and assistance as I know it wasn’t my fault (this young person has a LOT of trauma and is trying to process it) but that doesn’t mean that what has happened hasn’t affected my own mental health. I didn’t try putting my point across as I realised that they were trying to be kind but they just don’t understand. I thanked them and said they had helped and finished the conversations, both times just coming away feeling even worse if that makes sense. 

Our Local Authority has support for the young person but when I ask for assistance, I am told to speak with my Social Worker. I’m really lucky and have a wonderful Social Worker and she says I can speak with her freely but with all the best will in the world, she hasn’t gone through this and she isn’t a trained therapist.

I feel like I cannot freely say how I am feeling without someone saying that I am selfish and judging me. 

Just would like to put this out into the world and see if there are any other foster carers out there that have had a similar experience where a young person in their care has tried to end their life. How has this affected you? Do you have any advice?

To be honest, it would just be nice to hear from someone who understands which I then feel bad for saying and wishing for as it means that they too have been through something that nobody should have to go through.

Thank you for reading this.

[pikkumyy77]

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I am a Social Worker and also a licensed therapist (within the US system). I often have patients with suicidal ideation or who have attempted suicide. Your situation as foster/carer is so much more intense and painful even than mine. The level of intimacy and quasi parental responsibility makes it impossible to detatch from the young person’s pain.

I just want to express some solidarity. I urge you to get some serious therapeutic support for yourself. Don’t be fibbed off with these offers of “chats.” You need really dedicated time and space in therapy for yourself. And also consider demanding that the foster system offer you some supervision and support for the trauma you experience dealing with your charges’ trauma and suicidality. Ideally they should organize group support: lectures, meetings, group therapy where similarly situated caregivers can come together and share their experiences.

[FosterCarer20]

Thank you for your reply, someone saw my post.. I didn’t expect for someone to see my post - I’m glad you did. I’ll be pushing for proper help. My head is too scrambled not to. Thank you for seeing this and thank you for taking the time to reply. Not quite sure you I can make you realise how much that helps. Thank you

[EnglishRose1320]

I don't know where abouts you are, but you might have a local charity that can help you? We have one, which is for anyone who cares for children/young adults with mental health difficulties and they have drop in sessions, affordable counselling, online support etc...

It might be worth seeing if you have something similar. Because yes, the impact on you is very real and valid and its okay that you are finding it hard and it's definitely healthy and okay to seek help for yourself.

[stealtheatingtunnocks]

I wanted to say how sorry I am that the young person you are caring for is struggling so badly.

I am very glad they found you, though, you are affected by this because you care. Knowing that someone cares for them, really cares, might be very useful for their recovery.

I agree that you must look after yourself too, such distress in a young person is, well, distressing.

Your GP might be able to offer you support, or Barnardoes?

I hope your young person has a good day today and that you do too.

[Legolegends]

Hi sorry no experience here as a foster parent but I just wanted to say that I wish you well, I’m glad you are looking for a way to get help. My dc’s friendship group went through various traumatic incidents and I had to get help for myself in order to keep my head straight and able to help them to deal with what they were dealing with without struggling myself. You say that the kid has suffered trauma already - well it is distressing even being exposed to the trauma of others let alone people you feel empathy and responsibility for. It’s vital to get support for yourself in this situation so that you can continue to be a healthy support for the others. I found that Samaritans offer a listening ear but a couple of sessions with a therapist I found privately were more helpful to help me process things and give advice on what I could do and advice I should give.

[FosterCarer20]

Gosh, I really didn’t expect such responses - thank you so much to all of you. Sitting here with tears in my eyes as I type this out. Dog panting next to me as it is too hot out, cat up on the window having his biscuits as he finally came in for his breakfast despite the fact it is now the afternoon… listening to my young person watch TV in their room, my other young person still in bed and texting me about her night out last night, husband upstairs getting ready to go out for a bike ride. Honestly, I’m feeling quite full right now, not as much in despair as last night but more clear headed and knowing what I have to do. You are all right, I need to seek help myself and speak with a therapist. Going to reach out to someone that might be able to help tomorrow. Thank you everyone ❤️

[bloodywhitecat]

As a fellow foster carer I take my hat off to you and send you love, I haven't been through similar with mine because they have all been too young. Are you a member of Foster Support, they might be able to signpost you to some additional support.

[stealtheatingtunnocks]

Good for you. I have not fostered but my own teen had a period of suicidal ideation and it was hard. She wanted and deserved privacy - so I was limited on who I could speak to for my own sanity, and that was tough.

she is doing great now, in some ways the help doesn’t really kick in until they show they are serious.

if you are in the UK the extra help available for care experienced young people might be worth checking out. Some of it might extend to foster carers, it might be that something obvious and useful is there for you.

enjoy the sunshine and the tv noise. Both are blessings.

[chocolateisavegetable]

I haven’t experienced it as a foster carer, but I have experienced it as a parent, so I completely understand that YOU need support too. Can you access iTalk through your GP, any private medical insurance through your work / DH’s work (not suggesting you SHOULD be working in addition to foster caring!), any charity like HomeStart or similar that your SW could direct you to?

[FosterCarer20]

Thank you to the new posters and I am really sorry for those that have had similar experiences, wouldn’t wish it on anyone. We have our SW coming out to the house tomorrow and I have already requested referrals for the young person, did that as soon as they came to our house and then yesterday they were told that the referral wasn’t good enough now, we need immediate help for them or we go private. Have a very sore head from all the stress but feeling a lot calmer today and my husband is no longer all quiet and grumpy (due to being tired too) but has been a rock instead. I have no doubt it will flare up the stuff in my mind next week when school is started again and it will be quite sometime before I can sleep through the night but right at this moment, a tiny bit of hope and peace.

[pinkunicorns54]

As a social worker (in a similar field) I would hope you would feel able to be explicit around what you need. The SW would be able to offer a listening ear, but I would want to get you some support from a mental health professional too, who can help you work through this.

In my LA there are two avenues I would be thinking - a mental health focused social worker, looking at having some 1:1 time for you and your partner or seeing whether the YP's MH service could offer you some additional support.

You sound like a wonderful carer, your young people are lucky to have you!

[marapournumber4]

A pretty new foster carer here, and just emergency and respite.
Just remember you have done more than anyone else did . You've tried hard and sometimes what will be will be. Best wishes to you.

[f0stercarer]

Be very careful what you say to your social worker as it could lead to you being judged as unsuitable to foster. Your social worker is not your friend and would be obliged to disclose and follow a certain process if you expressed certain feelings. Ask for general information on processes, procedures and contacts but please do not treat the sw as a confidante.

[FosterCarer20]

UPDATE Our SW did come out for 3 hours yesterday, spoke with the young person for an hour and then with myself and my husband for an hour before sending an update out to the various other people involved etc. To be fair, she was actually very good and I did state that I needed assistance. She said everything that we had done up until that point was spot on and she then thanked me for requesting help and has referred me to an independent NHS counsellor with a fast tracked appointment - usual waiting list is 9 months, for this one, it is 1 week and they are independent from SW and do not share any information unless of course I disclosed something pretty shocking (nothing like that to disclose of course). She said few carers reach out for help and it is a huge reason for ‘burn out’ and for carers stopping being carers. I am still feeling shaky but also now have a confidence that support is there and my dark time on Saturday night was the immediate aftermath reaction of everything that had happened - completely understandable. Thank you everyone that took the time to read and respond to me. I joined Mumsnet on a whim on Saturday night as I was in my dark place and I am glad I did, what a lovely little community, even if I am not a biological mother myself!!

[pinkunicorns54]

So pleased to read your update! And well done for asking for help ❤️❤️

[FosterCarer20]

I never said who I disclosed to… I also thanked them. I was going through a very tough time in the middle of the night and asking for help on this forum. I don’t find your comment helpful. Please, this was supposed to be a post where I asked for help in a very dark moment. I was scared, hurting and didn’t know what to do. I have since asked for professional help. I also want this post to be there for anybody else that may do a search like I did. They will then see the really kind and supportive responses provided by so many. I respectfully ask you to delete your post as I think shaming someone for asking for help is not helpful and is harmful. If I had seen your post first on Saturday night, that would have broken me.

[Chatbot12]

@FosterCarer20 sorry you had to read such an awful, shaming and inaccurate post. You reached out to exactly the right person - the one who could coordinate fast-tracked mental health support for someone in your specific set of circumstances. I am glad your social worker actively listened to you, recognised the need for urgent action and followed up on it. No, they are not trained in dealing with trauma, but it’s their job to support people in your circumstances and you were absolutely not being unreasonable to highlight the impact on your own mental health.
Very much hope that you, your husband and the young person you support are okay.

[FosterCarer20]

Really appreciate that, thank you. To you and everyone that was so kind and supportive. I really do appreciate all your words, they helped support me so I could be stronger to seek help and of course, give the support that is needed to our young person. You are all awesome people! End of soppiness now!

[caringcarer]

Ring your HP and ask for a referral for counselling after a traumatic event. I'm a FC too and have never had to deal with anything like this thankfully. However I did know a FC whose foster son was run over on his bike and died in hospital. I know it's not the same but she got counselling via her GP.

[Shelling26]

I have been through this several times over the last year. Nothing prepares you for this. I tried speaking to several people and they all understood how difficult it must be...only they don't understand. I know there's nothing I can do to stop the attempts at suicide, the young person is receiving professional support. Some foster carers take on the emotional pain of their young people more than others. It's exhausting, heartbreaking and waiting for the next attempt is always there.

[FosterCarer20]

Hey Shelling, I am so sorry that you are having to go through this - several times at that. Thankfully for myself and my husband, it has only been once and the young person hasn’t tried again. They have been getting the appropriate help. All I can advise you is to seek some help for yourself too. I am so glad that I reached out to my social worker, they got me a counselling appointment within 2 weeks as it is private and not through the NHS and it is for as long as I need it, there is no maximum number of appointments. This should be something that your local authority or fostering agency should be able to provide. The counsellor is completely private to you too, they do not share anything with the local authority etc unless it would be for yours or someone else’s safety. Otherwise it is nice and private and I can honestly say it has really helped. It is important to be there for your young person but make sure there is someone there for you too. Like you said, we take on so much of their heartbreak and trauma, we get affected and that is okay. I have realised that all of the emotions I have felt, the helplessness, the being scared and even the anger, they are all part and parcel and all valid. Everything my counsellor has told me as well is common sense and exactly the advice I would give to someone else but trying to see it for yourself and apply it to yourself… not always the easiest. Let someone else be there for you and help you so you can continue to help your young person(s). Wishing you all the best and to anyone else that ever reads these posts.