Does this classify as mild emotional abuse?
Long read, do apologise for mistakes in the text.
Me 33 and my partner 38 have been together for 9 years, 2 children together aged 4 Y and 21 months, Im worried that he is slowly becoming emotionally abusive, but i don't know if I'm overreacting or whether its just bickering and being horrible for the sake of it.
He has had a fair few temper tantrums where we have argued and if i disagree he has broke things, acted out - i.e furniture that was purchased by me, punched bike tyres, cut cords for the freezer as I didn’t listen and did not unplugged when he said it’s a waste of electricity. Even I pointed out why I have it.
Smashed up a footstool in front of me because my toddler fell off it and I said it happens, but does not mean it needs to be binned. And he smashed it very aggressively. Kids fall off things, but his health and safety anxiety is hurting me.
Always oppose me to getting furniture or suggesting, will make a decision for big things himself. Have threatened to chop up / bin furniture, because he hates it. I’m not talking about unnecessary things.
He has once thrown bedding out of the window to stop me from sleeping when I unintentionally woke up my newborn ( I was exhausted with no sleep). I rushed out sobbing and spoke to my mum for 2 hours on the phone)
He is showing that breaking things shows me that I should listen to him in the first place.
But his justification is that I did not listen and often I’ll be the one to blame, with no apology.
When I meet friends once every few weeks, he will be reluctant for me to go, until the kids have gone to bed, but we have to be on good terms to get “permission “ to go.
I have recently started going to gym as my mental well-being has declined over the months and felt that exercise will help and it really has made me feel better, and we agreed that I’ll get a membership paid as a Christmas present. 1 week forward, I have started attending the gym and went for a class on Saturday morning, he turned around and said: “It can’t be a thing going to the gym on weekends and evening when I come from work, I can’t do it” (he said) therefore he expects me to be at home at all times unless kids are asleep.
I feel like I’m treading on eggshells for the sake of exercising 3 hours a week when my partner is at home. He is a tired person, I know that, but that is why I am trying to keep my outings to minimum, but I still get a long message after I have done something against his wish.
He does not care where I am during the day as long as kids are with me.
He is hands on when he has them, but the times when I have been at the gym, and despite his opposition to him struggling - I find him in the bed with a toddler watching cartoons and he is glued to his phone. It’s clearly not too much to do. I’d personally wouldn’t not mind if he wanted to pop out- unless I was sick or had other plans. Double standards!
He will look after kids on weekend mornings as he is an early bird, wil do brekkie and bath and once up I’m awake - I’ll take over, then he will take a break for 2 hours, come back and watch telly with kids and have a break again. I often take kids out with my friends on Saturdays before I go to work at 4pm.
We hardly go out as a family due to ongoing tension and often he won’t go anywhere more than a 30 min drive. I find the kids will not have the memories of days out because Daddy is often not willing to out. If we do go out - days out are often rushed and mostly on his terms. I feel like I’m on borrowed time when we do things.
Despite his negative reaction I have done my best to sort the children out and went to the gym on Saturday morning for an 1.5 h, and that is when things went downhill.
He is giving me a silent treatment for 4 days for not listening to him. I must admit I don’t talk either, because I feel better when he can’t hurt mr with his guilt tripping.
I have felt that I always need permission to go out, yet he can announce he is meeting a friend and that’s that, I don’t get a say. Very often my voice isn’t heard in this relationship and it is somehow suffocating me. This is just an example of things he has done. If I’m on good books, all is well -
once I step out to have a little more freedom, that’s when I feel the emotional backlash.
He used to send me upsetting messages to get home asap when I went to my friends for a drink and chat with my newborn around 7 pm in the evening, he insisted he needs a bedtime routine, which wasn’t even in place that early days, baby was breastfed and I couldn’t leave him anywhere, but felt stuck at home as my partner wouldn’t try to help other way. Same happened when I would go to the gym years ago and he would send threatening messages as the baby was crying, but he wouldn’t try to find the way to stop it. I never left for long hours and did my best to be with my child at all times, I just didn’t understand the treatment towards me.
I have been suffering with anxiety and sleep issues for a while now, it got a bit better, but it is getting worse after each time of his controlling behaviour episode.
Might seem petty, but last year I could not be present for his birthday as I was abroad with my kids for a while, but I made sure I called twice that day to send greetings, however he was angry that I did not send a card. 6 weeks later my birthday came along and he deliberately made my day miserable without talking to me or saying anything about my birthday and I felt very upset as I thought we would have a lovely day, and he replied - I owe you nothing, you didn’t even get a card for my birthday. It seems minor, but that is a part of his mind games to get me upset and worthless, yet he will often make himself appear innocent.
I’ve been struck in my face once for something I didn’t even realise he could do and denied it. Because I wanted to help my toddler when he was upset, when he was holding him.
He used to blame me if my toddler fell over or cried when was younger, interrogating me while little one was crying. It wasn’t a big deal, but he made it out that it only happens to me looking after him. (80% of time I’m with him) odds?
I feel quite anxious around him and wish I had left him years ago, things really got bad over the past year.
These are the things I have experienced:
Rarely (basically never) apologising/being accountable
Blaming me for lots of things (e.g. work stress when it is nothing to do with me, says that I irritate him.
Distant - Lack of communication, hardly has time and willingness to talk, does not see that we should talk, refers to my talking as “moaning” very often.
Financial control - Makes most decisions about things in the house and what we buy, not consulting me most of the time, since he is a breadwinner. Does not allow me to pick up extra shifts at work, even if it does not affect his work / plans.
Saying that I have it easy staying at home with kids and having coffees with my friends, yet if I ever said that I wish I could go to work like he does, he gets angry, assuming that I determine that his job isn’t hard and I don’t appreciate what he does. I just find it emotionally hard to be with kids so much, and have lost my identity.
Leaving the room when I try to talk about things (He gets extremely angry if I say he does not support me(emotionally). He mistakes it for financial support, that is not too much of an issue, however if I voice that I feel a lack of support for something, he threatens me to stop giving any money and take the car off me. I only work 10 hours a week on weekends, that was very difficult to agree.
He says he supports me working weekends and I know it’s not easy to be at home every weekend evening to be with kids, but he did not agree to split childcare costs for the youngest one in order to work 2 weekdays a week. Not sure if he quite sees that I’m working, not going out, this little income helps me to but my own things without cutting into his salary. I don’t have an allowance, I just have to ask to send money when I go overdrawn, which he is reluctant to do if I go against his wishes.
When I went out to the gym, despite his wishes, he sent me a very long message about how I’m being ungrateful, and I don’t understand how hard he works. This is where I doubt myself, and I think that I am feeling right then. He pointed out that I do not make his sandwiches (because at multiple occasions, he didn’t have my homemade sandwich (it’s not even bad) and had McDonald’s instead, or simply had to bin it, because he did not eat it) and don’t make the dinner.
I will more with make sure that the kids are fed, and if there is food left over, I will make it for him whether they have been times when I have made dinner and he just does not want it because he’s moody. There is no appreciation clearly.
Calling me a “Fu*** idiot” or retard when things go out of hand and we disagree.
He is working long hours at respectable position, and provides for us, however him being in a paid job makes me feel like I have no say about things around the house and he knows that leaving me in a vulnerable position as I cannot work more than 10 hours a week. I am made feel guilty for working weekends, even though he says he supports me, I just feel uneasy around him. He will say that he is doing a great job at supporting, yet I somehow feel guilt, like my work is a leisure, not a source of income.
Mood swings (often involving the silent treatment or short answers to questions) out of the blue, sometimes with no explanation, and sometimes it later being explained that I did something to upset him
I am ready to take a leap and get away before we end up on really bad terms, it’s not worth to suffer like this and feel that weight on my shoulders for allowing myself just to have a bit more freedom to myself.
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Feminism: chat
Mild emotional abuse
16 replies
Agii · 21/01/2023 12:29
OP posts:
Dodecaheidyin ·
21/01/2023 12:37
There is nothing mild about his abuse, emotional and physical. Please contact Women's Aid, they will support you in coming to terms with what your relationship is, advise how best to keep yourself and your children safe and will support you in the best way of separating from him, which will be the best thing for you and the children.
Do not tell him you know he is being abusive. Try not to change your behaviour, he will sense the change and very likely escalate the abuse. Please, please contact WA as soon as you can, but meantime keep everything the same as far as he is aware.
It would also be a good idea to ask MN to move your thread to Relationships. You will get lots of support there 
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