Am I being unreasonable to pull child out of gym squad

[Gymwidow]

My daughter is 6 and does gym in a large city gym which is very closed door with parents. She is in the squad and does a lot of hours and has absolutely loved it to date. Recently however has started to come out upset because she’s being asked to do things that hurt and are increasingly difficult. She feels she is the worst in her group (there are some awesome little gymnasts in there). The coaches are quite hard on them which I’m told is industry standard.

Despite being very upset about being in pain or scared by a fall, she wants to stay because she wants to see her squad friends. I’ve suggested she moves into an easier group and we do play dates with squad friends, but she said she wouldn’t like seeing all her friends together and her in a separate group. I definitely think we need to cut her hours whereas her coaches say she should do more if she’s finding it hard, to catch up.

My mum instinct says pull her out completely and protect her from what feels like a very cult like activity with uncommunicative coaches and some crazily competitive parents. We fell into gym rather by accident and I never expected her to be spotted or any good - if I had I would have never let her start it. We are very hands off parents who deliberately don’t push our kids in any field including school and we want her to have fun and just ‘be’ when she’s not at school and try lots of activities and sports. This feels increasingly like a job, an addiction, an obsession, not fun. The hours of training and competitions at weekends have crept up on us and feel too much - we want to chill at the weekends as a family and do normal stuff, but it seems so hard to leave. The lack of communication with the gym doesn’t help and makes me go into over protective mode and want to just pull her out and remove the problem.

She loves the gym itself, constantly doing it at home for fun, and loves her expanding repertoire. She loves showing us her stuff. She loves her friends. She loves an awful lot of the training sessions too. And that’s making her want to stay.

Do I let her continue despite the warning bells or is six just too young to make an informed choice and should I just make it for her? And is it reasonable to take into account the fact that we don’t want our lives to be taken over by this? I’m aware it will only get worse.

Would really welcome your thoughts, especially from any gym parents out there.

[5plusMeAndHim]

I thought the minimum age was seven

It is seven so long as they turn 8 in that calendar year. In gymnastics your age is deemed to be the age you are on the 31st December.

[rhizomorph]

Some children do, unfortunately, find the conditioning hurts they tend to leave in my experience.

[rhizomorph]

*I don't understand all these competitions you say she is doing.They are not allowed to compete outside their own club until the year they turn 8.
what competitions are these *

I thought the minimum age was seven, but I'm also wondering what competitions a six year old can be doing so frequently, as in OP, at weekends...

[5plusMeAndHim]

I don't understand all these competitions you say she is doing.They are not allowed to compete outside their own club until the year they turn 8.
what competitions are these ??
I run a small gymnastics club (mostly general gymnastics but with a mall artistic section up to regional grade 4) and none of them train more than 6 hours per week but i have worked in many larger clubs.I am not sure what she means by 'hurt' . Is she talking about conditioning- yes that will feel a little uncomfortable, but should not 'hurt', or is she talking about her hands from the bars?

[ifIonlyknew]

please do report to BG. I know a lot of the BG central admin staff and I am sure this would be taken seriously. I suggest you put it in writing and send a letter to them at Lilleshall National Sports Centre x

[Gymwidow]

It’s the most basic form of self protection Lisette. It’s quite frightening really.

[Lisette40]

Sorry that should read subconscious mind

[Lisette40]

gymwidow my sister honestly thought she had an injury but in fact she was scared of her coach and the foot would not flex properly because her mind was causing the injury. Even the drs could not manipulate it. Technically she wanted to continue with the gym club but her subconscious had other ideas.

[Gymwidow]

Thanks for your replies, really appreciate it. Lisette that is just awful, but says a lot that she felt she had to feign an injury to get out. As a parent of a gymnast I totally get that in a way that might seem odd to other parents.

I think one of the exacerbating factors is that there is zero communication from the gym aside from emails about training sessions and comp dates. No feedback, no information if they’ve had a bad fall (even if it has resulted in a significant bump or lump), and if you do approach them (as I have done regularly) they make you feel like you are wasting their time and say things like ‘they all have ups and downs’ rather than anything specific about why my child is upset or finding it hard. They give one sentence responses instead of having a conversation whilst looking around to speak to someone else, etc. It’s like no one has ever questioned them before? They do seem to be friendlier with the parents of older squad members who they know better but perhaps these are the ones who don’t question them.

I have queried practice on several occasions, but only when my child has said something about being in pain or hurting. I’ve specifically said not to push my child down in splits or a stretch - one coach said they had been told not to do it to my child, but another said they don’t do it at all - so mixed messages. One time when my child complained that she was made to do more of a certain jump or move after she’d said it hurt and after she was already crying ( these are her ‘facts’ that she told me) and I emailed to say I wanted to sit down with one of the coaches to discuss what had happened, I arrived to find them all there en masse, which felt rather intimidating when I felt I had a genuine complaint. They did admit it shouldn’t have happened, blamed a junior coach etc but then it happened again shortly afterwards (the event which prompted me to pull her out). I think they had me pegged as an awkward parent because I wasn’t prepared to accept my child being pushed like that and kept questioning them, not on their gymnastics but essentially on matters which I would consider to be safeguarding, putting young children and their bodies at risk when they are too young to verbalise or even know their own limits.

Since we have said we are leaving, other info has come out from my daughter. My child also says other children cry in class when manipulated or when being dropped off. I have seen other children than the ones she has mentioned also crying before going in and saying they don’t want to do it. It just feels so anti children, which seems very very odd. For the purposes of balance there are also kids who skip in and seem very happy, but I am just concerned more generally about what goes on behind closed doors. And the area where the squad train is not visible to parents.

The worst of it is that all the time my child was desperate to do it, loved it but also hated the pain, like some weird addiction.

Can I ask the coaches here - should I report the facts (as told to me by my child) to British Gymnastics? From what I hear this is fairly standard practice in the quest to find the next best thing, but I’m happy to be corrected.

[ifIonlyknew]

I used to coach at a fab gym but then I moved. I went to a few and have never gone back. haven't coached now for 20 years! Some gyms are amazing, some coaches are the best people ever and have happy gyms with lots of praise and encouragement and FUN and others are in the wrong profession in my opinion. I do hope she likes the new gym

[Lisette40]

My sister went to a tough gym club as a child. Then she developed an injury which meant that she couldn't put any weight on her foot. She was in hospital with it but the doctors were baffled as no sign of anything wrong. My mother noticed that her foot was fine during the night and worked out that it was psychosomatic. So she left the club and her foot was back to normal. I think you did the right thing OP.

[CappuccinoCake]

Wow that sounds more horrific than our one!!I'm glad you're out

[RandomMess]

Old gym club sounds horrific!!!

So glad you've found another one

[Gymwidow]

Thank you to everyone who posted on here. By way of an update I have my daughter booked in for a taster session at another non competitive gym (where DrRanj goes coincidentally enough!). My daughter seems very pleased and other stories are starting to emerge as we chat through the changes - that other children often cry through sessions (my daughter doesn’t but she is genuinely super tough and not a cryer), that the coaches sometimes shout at them, and even that one coach told her 5 year old team mate that if she didn’t stop crying she would close the curtain to the viewing area so her mum couldn’t see her crying. I didn’t know any of this, and I assume that’s because my daughter came to think this was normal. And why wouldn’t she - her mum and dad dropped her off and entrusted her to the care of these people, who are grown ups, which means they must be right, doesn’t it?

I am so very glad to have made the decision that she will not continue in the squad or at this gym. I know it’s industry standard in a tough sport but it feels totally contrary to everything your gut tells you about parenting and child welfare.

[Gymwidow]

Hi cutting - sorry you were made to do something you didn’t want to, it’s a familiar story, lots of mums at my daughyer’s gym living out their fantasies through their small kids. Throw in a tough coach and small kids and that’s a heady mix right there. It’s frightening really.

Difference here is we’ve been led by our daughter, not her led by us. The gym was at her request initially, the extra hours were at her request (albeit after being ‘spotted’), the commitment is hers not ours. Looking back though, her commitment is that of a gullible child, told she’s amazing and showered with love and praise and compliments but then, in tiny bite sized steps, told she’s not amazing enough and needs to ‘work harder’. So my guilt is not pushing her into something she doesn’t want to do, it’s not putting on the parental brakes when I should have done so.

I’m listening and taking action now though.

[cuttingcarbonemissions]

This struck a chord with me...

I was once a little gymnast. I was also the worst in my group - mainly because I was too tall. My mother could not see that and made me continue even though I hated it.

When she finally saw the light after several miserable years I took up another sport and was soon at county standard.

Listen to what your DD is saying. If she is not enjoying gymnastics there are lots of other sports out there.

[RandomMess]

www.bing.com/videos/search?q=cheer+routine+clip+uk&&view=detail&mid=095BF744C8931AEECBFC095BF744C8931AEECBFC&&FORM=VDRVRV

This is a level 3 team (level 1 is lowest and only goes up to 6) I think it's the section that would be your DDs age. This is just a random team I found on you tub, think it's American but the rules are the same and top teams can compete internationally if they wish.

[RandomMess]

They still mostly wear the skimpy outfits well for competitions! Yes mixed teams although boys a minority in most squads.

Competition routine is 2.5 minutes with 30 seconds of "dance" the rest is a mixture of tumbles and stunts - all very fast!!

I think it would be one or 2 classes per week probably 1-2 hours each and that's it. Certainly our club it's only one class per week per team you are in (you only have to be in one) apart from the level 5 team which is a senior team (over 15).

[Gymwidow]

Thanks for that Random, the cheer sounds nothing like I expected it to- When I think of cheer I think of American kids, short skirts and being on the sidelines of a male sport! Do they do it in mixed groups? I love the idea of being in a team, I felt the team spirit in gym was lost in the desire to beat your team mates.

[RandomMess]

@Gymwidow the new one sounds great. My DD did Cheer because our local gymnastics club was similar little kids training 5 sessions per week plus competitions- no way was I letting my DD join that cult and potentially damage her body in the process!

Cheer is a max of 4 competitions per year - great fun, all about being part of the team. The better ones just compete at a higher level and most carry on as adults because they love it.

[DrRanjsRightEyebrow]

Ha! Yes do - also on a party run in an hour Been going there since DS 18 months (starting with their soft play sessions) so I know them all pretty well. Love it. Also got local circus tip offs for you for taster sessions...

[Gymwidow]

DrR - will pm you after my party run! Once I’ve worked out how to pm....

[DrRanjsRightEyebrow]

Yes! Name means something pivotal?!

[Gymwidow]

DrR - don’t want to out myself but does it begin with an A?!

[Gymwidow]

Thanks cappuccino. I showed her some of the tumbling and circus stuff and she said it looked like so much more fun than her current stuff and she’s really happy to go elsewhere and do something new. That says it all doesn’t it?

I am feeling an awful amount of guilt now about letting it go on for so long, as I think that in retrospect she was also a bit brain washed about what was normal. Her progression has been phenomenal, but I just don’t get why it has to be such a rush. It seems to fit with the all too common competitive parenting/schooling/lifestyle that goes on these days that we work hard to actively resist and to shelter our child from, and I feel (know) that in relation to gymnastics we have fallen for it.

Am going to do a fair amount of reflection in the coming weeks as I think this will change how I parent from now on and what and who I allow to influence both us and our child.