Giving up a musical instrument

[petitdonkey]

DS is in his third year of learning the cello - he wanted to do it initially but it has always been some what of a battle to get him to practice and, with all his other activities, nightly practice is never going to happen.

I have just sat with him while he tries a new piece and it ended in tears, he says he is finding it really hard. He would like to try guitar.

At the moment I am saying that we don't give up on things as soon as they become hard/ guitar will be hard too etc. but how far do I run with this?? He's never going to be YoYo Ma so do I just cut him loose now and let him settle on the sofa with Minecraft and telly???

It's so hard finding the balance, I want him to try things and stick at them but I am no Tiger Mother!

Any shared experiences would be gratefully heard.

[tess73]

What year is he in?
Are you planning on independent secondary? I only ask because I let DD "quit" piano after a couple of years of torture and extortionate lessons. Then this week she had a school interview and it was a shame she couldn't say "I play x" rather than what she said was "i used to play piano but it got too hard, drove me crazy, something happened in my brain so I QUIT" doh...
So yes agree let him give it up but get your timing right!

[BirdintheWings]

Has he ever seemed to enjoy it? Does he like the groups even if he doesn't like solo practice? In other words, is this a blip (because it IS hard sometimes) or a hiding to nothing?

Guitars are cheap (ish) and definitely cooler for secondary...

[Housemum]

I wish my DD2 would ask to give up - she realistically has no hope of progressing far with 'cello (we only let her try as the county council offered £20/year instrument hire for first 2 years). We are 18 months into it, nowhere near a "proper" exam though she got gold in the local music service preliminary certificate. (I think she had to turn up and hold the instrument the right way up to pass!)
I'm happy to lose the cash for the rest of the year's lessons (already paid £120 up front) and ditch the stress for her of practising, she refuses to stop until the end of the school year. Fair play to her for not giving up but it is driving me crazy!
If he wants to stop, and it is because he feels he isn't progressing, then let him stop. If he wants to try another instrument, find out why he wants to do it, and get him to seriously think about whether he wants to put in all the necessary practice.
Good luck :)

[Bramshott]

I think sometimes you have to say that they've given it a good go, and that it's fine to stop. It's great that he'd like to try another instrument rather than giving up music altogether. A lot of musicians switch instruments until they find the one that suits them.

[SonorousBip]

I am resolutely non-musical so this may offend some. Cello is such a rubbish instrument, really, unless you are actually passionate about it, good at it and have parent who will assist with the huge amount of lugging/putting in car/ferrying around needed. It is big, unwieldy, takes some time to pay something recognisable as an "entry level" and doesn't really offer much by way of sociability other than orchestras and strings groups. As on observation, I think as you move up to secondary school, these become less popular and more specialist options (and rarly open to you unless you are really quite good). As an adult I know very few friends who have cello's just lying about which they play on by themselves to nourish and succour themselves. That may just be my circle of friends (I do know some people who as adults play in orchestras/music groups and enjoy it). In general, I do not think the cello has "legs".

I concur with the statement "In fact I've told my DS (14) he'll never be without a girlfriend if he can play the guitar". I do know people who as adults play and enjoy guitars. My DS plays in a guitar ensemble but also will, semi-willingly, practice. It is not difficult (believe me: he is not good!) He also has a book of songs to play along to - Coldplay, Oasis, REM which he is rather taken with. He likes to hand around the guitar shop in town (pleasantly harmless and makes him feel cool!) Suprising fact is that your childrens' guitar teachers are almost always attractive/cool young men.

Hope this helps.

[BirdintheWings]

Tell me about it. DS has been through piano, clarinet, tuba, trumpet and briefly flute (all on cheap hire or short-term loan or knocking about the house from our own childhood). Currently plays euphonium and guitar, and loves both -- but sometimes you have to just write off the earlier lessons and stop throwing good money after bad.

[hellsbells99]

My DD2 plays the violin. It has taken her a long time for it to sound 'decent'!
She doesn't practise a lot but has weekly lessons and plays in a string group. We are quite happy to let it continue without pushing her. Can you carry on for the rest of the term without putting pressure on him to practise and ask the teacher to take it slowly? and then review the situation?
DD's favourite instrument is the guitar which she has self-taught using youtube and myguitar.com. Is this an option? We bought her an electric-acoustic Yamaha one - full size neck but small bodied.
After the school Christmas concert both my DDs wanted to learn the sax (I have said no at the moment). They told me that if you can read music etc. then this is an easy instrument to learn as well as being 'cool' (they want to join the swing band).
Both DDs love having an instrument (flute) that they can play in concert band as they play a lot of modern stuff.
So if cello doesn't work out I would recommend getting a guitar but perhaps also trying another 'group' type of instrument like the sax or cornet (as mentioned previously).
But music is supposed to be fun and not torture says me with a violin player in the house

[BirdintheWings]

Somehow, OP, teenagers don't seem to feel guitar practice is hard. DS claims to be able to practise whilst doing his maths homework -- who says boys can't multitask?

[BirdintheWings]

I'm surprised by the poster who said you can't play the guitar in groups. My house is regularly invaded by lanky teenagers with guitars (acoustic, electric and bass), ukeleles, amps and 'words to their own songs' (arghh). It's about the most sociable music hobby possible for your average teenage boy.

I'm quite sure that classical is as hard as any other instrument, but DS is quite happy to try a bit of classical and then spend the rest of an evening strumming and singing along.

[laregina]

I would let him stop. If he doesn't enjoy it there is no way in hell he will ever want to play the cello apart from when you 'make' him, and what's the point in that?

I had the same problem with DC1. He wanted to switch from a 'classical' instrument to the guitar and I had the whole 'not giving up on something' issue in my mind. But then I thought that actually, what's wrong with trying something out then moving on to something else you might enjoy more?

So anyway now about five years on he has accumulated two acoustic guitars, two electric, an acoustic bass, an electric bass and a fretless bass! His bedroom looks like a guitar shop but he plays them all the time and actually sounds fantastic - he is clearly talented and gets so much enjoyment out of playing that I feel guilty for trying to force 'music practice' on to him in the past when he clearly didn't like it.

[Dromedary]

Sorry - I was thinking of groups as in playing in chamber groups and orchestras, rather than meeting up for informal playing sessions. Sounds fun.

[BirdintheWings]

It's lovely, Dromedary (although the home-grown teenage angst songs do make me grin privately in the kitchen -- lots of 'how can I trust my heart to you agai-ai-ain...').

I can now drive without turning a hair at the ukulele trio happening in the backseat, too.

[petitdonkey]

Some more great perspectives - thank you. He has only just started on fourth finger which I think he is finding hard although I would disagree that you can't make a nice sound on a cello (I vetoed violin for that reason) he has been able to play some nice tunes since day one and even the current trickier pieces are recognisable (I may wince from time to time!!)

I love the idea of him strumming away on his guitar and maybe it will help us to keep our 'no screens upstairs' rule if he can go to his room and do that.

I was just saying to a friend this morning, DH works away all week at the moment so there is just no time to talk through this sort of 'stuff' - I can't tell you how much I appreciate you all taking the time to give me your opinions

[hellsbells99]

Both my DDs have regular 'jamming sessions' when they meet up with friends - I even went and bought a decent tambourine as 1 of DD1's friends cannot play an instrument :)
It keeps them out of trouble but does cost me in crisps and pizzas!

[BirdintheWings]

I misread that as 'bought a trombone for the friend who couldn't play. Now that would be some dedication.

[petitdonkey]

What a difference a day makes….

I sat with DS tonight and told him that he could give up the cello if he wanted to but needed to understand that if he chooses guitar then there will be times when that is hard. He responds with a whole speech about how he shouldn't give something up the first time it becomes really hard and he couldn't play anything at first but now those early pieces are so easy to him.

We then had the best practice ever and he played two tricky pieces beautifully. (I use that term loosely!! the best he has ever played them though)

I'm so proud of him. (But he would not concede that last night he was very tired and the fact I sent him to his room to read at 7pm and he was asleep 20 mins after that has nothing to do with the change in attitude and mood!!)

Thanks again lovely people for being my sounding board - I think the fact that I came to him saying he could make a change actually helped him decide to stick at it.

[ExitPursuedTheRoyalPrude]

Great result. He sounds lovely.

[OldBeanbagz]

Well done petitdonkey and to your DS too.

We have wobbles every time DD has moved up a Grade and despite wanting to give up a number of times, she's stuck at it and has finally realised she gets a lot out of playing.

Roll on Half Term and some sleep catch up!

[petitdonkey]

Thanks again - Beanbagz, tiredness is definitely part of it I realise, mine and his.

I did see his teacher today but she said he's not ready for an exam yet which I was surprised at but I guess that is a whole other thread!!

[hellsbells99]

You should still buy him a guitar for fun though :)

[petitdonkey]

hellsbells - I think that's a really good idea.

[Slapntickleothewenches]

DS is 9 and has played the oboe for nearly 18 months. He practises regularly and seems to be progressing well but then asked to learn the guitar as well which he started in September.
He is smitten :) I think in terms of practise it's so much more casual. His guitar sits on a stand on the landing so he can just pick it up, play for 5 minutes and put it back. Compare this to the rigmarole of assembling the oboe, setting up the stand (you cannot play the oboe cross legged with a glass of milk propping your music book up :o) and my incessant nagging about being exceedingly careful not to damage yet another reed and you have some idea why he prefers it.
Also as a PP said, guitar teachers tend towards the young, cool and male. His oboe teacher is more traditional and definitely stricter with him so again I see where the bias towards the guitar stems from. Personally so long as he continues with both for now and still devotes enough time to his oboe I am happy for guitar to be his passion (at least it's better than Minecraft )
Glad to hear your DS is continuing with the cello after all. Sometimes I think it takes the option of giving something up to make you realise how much you actually enjoy it.

[Slapntickleothewenches]

Meant to say that DS has a 3/4 size acoustic which cost less than £70. It came with a free bag (that is falling apart already!) and a couple of plectrums as well and actually sounds ok for the money. Our local music shop will also p/x when he moves up a size.

[Dromedary]

Have you got any holiday music courses near you? My DC loves them (has done various kinds), and they make quite a lot of progress.

[OldBeanbagz]

Slapntickleothewenches did you buy an Ashton guitar kit by any chance? Our bag didn't last long either!

We're now on a full size guitar with a hard case so lots of moaning about the weight of it.

Definately agree with getting a stand as having the instrument out means no excuses!