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Ethical dilemmas

How to uninvite guests

19 replies

HeadChog · 13/12/2023 20:47

DS (14) has autism and in the last couple of years has made a good friend.
We are holding a new year's party for friends and neighbours.
DH and I get along OK with DS's friend's parents. We thought it would be good to get to know them better and to have a friend for DS at the party. So we invited them.
When we told DS he said he didn't want a friend there as he will have yo be "on" but he'd like the option of getting away to a quiet room if it all gets too much (he has history of struggling with parties).
How do we now uninvite this family? We're not close enough to just tell them how it is.
Help!

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Scarletttulips · 13/12/2023 20:51

You don’t.

Your DS does not need to be stuck with the child all evening - there will be others he can speak to.

Your DS can slope off at any point .

Don’t see an issue.

BlueberryVelvet · 13/12/2023 20:53

You don’t.

DS can manage for one evening taking short breaks surely?

ThomasinaLivesHere · 13/12/2023 20:57

I agree with the others that it would be a shame to disinvite them. Try to work out something where he can have some space.

Crumblecakes · 13/12/2023 21:00

I’d say still invite them but just explain the situation and that DS might need to go to his room for a while/for the evening. Most people are understanding and I’m sure they’ll be fine.

morellamalessdrama · 13/12/2023 21:19

Oh gosh, I'm not sure you can disinvite them at this stage. How about nearer the time you text one of the parents to say your son has been feeling a bit overstimulated due to Christmas so he might need to slope off to his room for a bit during the party.

That way, they are prepared and there isn't an issue.

tescocreditcard · 13/12/2023 21:22

You can't disinvite them now for a NYE do! They could have turned down any number of other invitations.

Your son can go get some quiet time in his room.

Deathbyfluffy · 13/12/2023 21:24

I'm a father to a child with ASD issues, and to be frank sometimes you just need to be firm and say 'this is happening, you can choose to go to a quiet room if you wish but it's happening regardless'

I've found since adopting this approach a few years ago they've actually come out of their 'shell' a bit more, and accept that they can't control everything in the world around them.

Awrite · 13/12/2023 21:24

Agree with everyone else.

Ds gets to take time outs in his room and friendship continues.

Is he prepared to perhaps lose a friend if you do disinvite them?

Kitkat1523 · 13/12/2023 21:27

You can’t …. I would drop you like a hot brick if you did this to me and my family….I would blank you from then on

Greezynogreasy · 13/12/2023 21:28

Don’t un invite them.

Use the evening to get to know them better and you’ll feel more comfortable explaining the situation to them face to face.

Your DS can escape to a quiet place whenever he wants.
You can reassure him of this so he doesn’t get stressed thinking about it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/12/2023 21:28

What they all said.

PossumintheHouse · 13/12/2023 21:30

If you disinvite them, expect them to not want their son to socialise with your son again. It’s incredibly rude, especially as you aren’t even planning to explain why you’re behaving so badly.

LaurieStrode · 13/12/2023 21:30

Very rude to disinvite.

HeadChog · 14/12/2023 13:15

Hmm. I do agree with you all that it's rude. I have contemplated lying and pretending we've had to cancel the party but that doesn't sit well with me at all.
I guess DS will have to cope somehow.
Good idea to explain that DS might disappear at times, so their son doesn't follow ours into his room (his worst nightmare). Thanks.

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Moltenpink · 14/12/2023 13:18

Sorry I don’t agree. Your poor son may well worry about this all through Christmas. I would uninvite them

HeadChog · 14/12/2023 13:20

Ah, but how?

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ActDottie · 14/12/2023 13:29

I think you can’t uninvite them really. It’ll be so rude! Can’t your son take himself away to his room on his own if it gets too much?

Notonthestairs · 14/12/2023 13:56

Don't lie about the party. You can't expect your child to keep up the same lie.

Besides which it's just horrible manners.

Just flag it as a possible issue on the night.

If son disappears upstairs for protracted periods I don't suppose they will stay for long.

HeadChog · 14/12/2023 21:58

Thank you wise MN. I had a chat with DS this evening and explained it would be rude to disinvite the family, and he understood and said he would like me to warn them in advance that he might not go the distance, so that is what I will do. @Deathbyfluffy I appreciate your insight - you're right that we have to find ways to help him integrate, rather than trying to bend the world to his needs. He's got to get on with life!

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