Is my mother a narcissist? how do I protect our children?

[Meeko1]

1. My mum pretended to vomit when me and my partner mentioned our future baby, and said we were not allowed because a baby would make her less important

1. She told me that she is withholding our wedding gift (I got married 3 months ago) because she didn’t think our wedding was the right time for her to give us a wedding gift, and that she’ll decide when the right time is.

1. She tried to use emotional blackmail on me when I asked her not to wear a white dress to my wedding which she had been planning to do. She said she will wear her white dress or she wont attend.

1. She didn’t come to my wife’s hen party - who was sceptical about inviting her anyway for obvious reasons. The hen party was an afternoon tea (and despite a child attending and with non alcoholic options available which most opted for anyway) she didn’t come because she didn’t want to be around alcohol. In the same week, then sent a text to my wife saying she is going out for beers and pizza in a brewery.

1. She refused her my calls for 24 hours after we got engaged.

1. she complained, after being taken out for a paid for Mother’s Day lunch, that her card was not hand written. Although neglecting her my own birthday that same year.

1. Her opening comment on our first home (which is a beautiful 3 bed house in the countryside and quiet village) was ‘if it wasn’t for the savings in commuting cost, I would question your decision to live here’.

1. she was too busy to accept my wife’s birthday party invitation. Later stating, that she would have come if she knew it was going to be good party (at the pub with a DJ), and that she just thought it would have been at the house.

1. After 12 years working in the services, I had an interview for a job in the private sector. I was so nervous. She completely forgot and never asked me about my interview. This is same with most things. When we speak she never shows an interest in other people

with the support of my wife, in every situation I have stood up to her, challenged her, and drew boundaries. She has learnt to keep out of our finances, and to be polite including when we mention children.

her behaviour has led me to talk to her less, see her less and want to involve her in my life less. It’s tiring to carrying on dealing with these situations.

Every milestone in my life she has tainted with a bad memory of her toxicity, instead of simply celebrating with me and my wife.

I do not want her to ruin our future milestones, i do not want her to hurt our children in the same way that she hurts us.

What should I do?

[Bluebellsbells]

I know this may sound strange but my instant thought to your predicament was to record her and play each comment back to her, asking her how wound you feel if I said that about you? But if she truly is narcissistic she wouldn't be able to connect the feelings.

I would make crystal clear boundaries in regards to children. Don't invite her to yours, go to a neutral space where there is a time limit on meetings. Don't accept any offer of childcare from her, make a judgement on the types of comments she makes when they are younger (write them down) then objectively analyse them- is she going to impact your children mentally or are most of the comments she makes ok? If these comments are damaging I'd definitely go nc.

As for your wife, she has offered the olive branch on so many occasions and it has been snapped. It's probably a time for her to focus on herself and move away from a close relationship with your mum.

How was she during your childhood practically, could she cope with basic care?

[FatFatMary]

Sounds like it but I don’t think it will significantly affect your children

[flowerfluff]

These 'little' comments and actions become major scars, and unless you speak up she may be unaware. Have you truthfully from the heart told her how her words and actions make you feel and what your concerns are for your children?
My own 'mother' was extremely narcissistic, and it did take many years and counselling sessions to fully realise this. You don't want to think your own parents can do this, but they can.
My 'mother' became worse after I had children. She told me I wouldn't be capable to look after them every time I fell pregnant. OH and I put our lives in to a beautiful home that did need future eyes to see its potential, it's lovely now. She immediately said I was reckless and wasting the inheritance money from my grandparents. Every time she came through the front door something was dirty, dusty or unclean. No shit, it's a refurb. It was always safe but she would run her fingers along surfaces in rooms which we were literally doing up. She told my oldest daughter at age 5 she felt I was talking crap about her and demanded to know what I'd been saying, my daughter told me this in a very confused state and I confronted my 'mother' who told me she was a liar. My youngest has selective mutism and doesn't say hello or goodbye to anybody. She said I'd 'got in her head' and told her not to talk to her.
This is still such a long story short, but I've been three years no contact with her and that side of my family. My mental health is better, my children don't walk on eggshells in their own home in case she makes an unannounced visit. Don't get me wrong, I needed a lot of counselling, and she was told every reason (which was batted back on me being the problem) but this helped massively. My life has improved.
It's obviously the most extreme step, and trust me I'd never suggest it unless you felt it was right. My relationship was never good with her and I was never good enough, she didn't make a fuss when I said I was going no contact which says a lot. I'd definitely recommend some CBT to iron out some of the issues you're facing.
Hope you're okay lovely xxx

[Jackfrostnippingatmynose]

Are you her only child? Did she behave similarly when you were younger? Does she have a partner? Have you ever called her out when she says and behaves like this towards you?
It sounds like she's majorly jealous of your loving relationship with your DW, and any future DC you might have, because she's no longer the central focus of your life. She knows you're making your own family and instead of embracing the change in your relationship and welcoming your wife she's spitefully going out of her way to hurt you both. She's cutting off her nose to spite her face.
I'd be going NC or at least LC, and explain to her exactly why, so as to protect yourself and your growing family from her batshit ways.

[laalaaland]

I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
I think very low contact or no contact are the only realistic ways to protect your children (and yourself).

As pp have said, my mother also became much worse once I had a child. After a few turbulent years that ruined my mental health I am now one year into completely NC and finally feel like myself again. I have absolutely no regrets. It has been a long process to get to this point though.

There's a lot of societal pressure about always loving your mum, always forgiving etc etc...but scratch the surface a little and you'll unfortunately find a whole community of people who actually get it and understand what you are dealing with. (search for the 'stately homes' thread!)

There is no reasoning with a narcissist. There is nothing you can say or do that will make them genuinely realise they are at fault and therefore even attempt to improve their behaviour.