Spending time with estranged grandparent

[Sonelly]

My husband and I split when DS was six month's old die to domestic violence issues. At the time my MIL completely took his side, understandably I suppose, as he's her son. But she 'put up with' similar behaviour from his dad throughout their marriage and basically told me to 'man up' (she said 'woman up') and put up with it too. Since I decided I wouldn't and left, she hasn't contacted me in two years. Now she's announced she's coming to visit her grandson, out of the blue, and wants to spend as much time as possible with him for the 2 weeks that she's here.
She lives in another country. He's never met her before (he's now 2 1/2). And she's announced she's coming when we're actually away on holiday, so there's only 3 days that her visit overlaps with us being here (she's staying with her son, my ex), and she wants to see him each of those three days.
So my ethical conundrum is, I don't want to deny my son access to his paternal grandmother, but I don't know that he would benefit longer-term from an intensive time with her now if she just disappears from his life again. And I would have preferred she had asked me first if the dates of her trip suited. Do I arrange for them spend time together? And should it be all three days that she's here, or just a once off?

[Liverpool52]

I don't have children so no doubt I'll get slammed for this but if I did I wouldn't be facilitating a relationship between my child and someone who thinks that abusing women is ok. It's creates the never ending cycle of boys who grow into men thinking it's ok to abuse women.

If any of those days fall on the days your DC is with their dad then clearly you can't stop it. But wouldn't be facilitating it if it was your days.

[Acornsoup]

I dont know why you would want any of these people in your DC life OP. She wasn't there for you why would she be any different with them. If you do allow a visit make sure it is supervised. I don't think it's in DC best interest of she will disappear again for however long? She could also do a lot of damage in a very short space of time. Daddy loves you, daddy misses you, ask mummy if bla bla bla. It would be a hard pass from me. Different if she had maintained contact and had treat you with respects.

[YallaYallaaa]

No bloody way. A woman who condones violence is not going to be a positive for your son.

[StopMindlesslyScrolling]

Nope.

She condones violence towards weaker individuals, that could also be children as far as you know.

Keep your child away from her.

[Thunderisntnicebythebeach]

Just tell her you /dc aren't available...

[Thunderisntnicebythebeach]

Your job as a dm is to keep your dc away from toxicity..

[Gymmum82]

Does the father see the child? If so it’s up to him to facilitate contact with his mum. If not there is obviously a reason for that and so no I wouldn’t arrange for your child to meet the grandmother.
If she believes women are there to be abused she’s not someone I’d want my child to have a relationship with

[romdowa]

If those 3 days are not on the fathers contact days then I wouldn't be going out of my way to facilitate her request

[Sonelly]

Thank you everyone, messages have been pretty clear so far. He sees his dad once a week, supervised contact. I suppose it would be up to his dad to ask the contact centre if his mum can come on that day.
There's a voice in my head telling me I'm a horrible person if I don't facilitate contact between my DS and his grandmother, and that he could turn around in years to come and say, there's this whole other side to my family that I've never had the opportunity to know...

[CrotchetyQuaver]

Sod that. Contacts you out of the blue after 2 years of nothing and expects you to drop everything so she can see her "precious" grandson she hasn't bothered with in all that time? And meanwhile the ex is on supervised contact with his son? So I'm guessing your reasons for leaving were compelling.
No way, I'd be telling her you're away all the time she's here and you and your DS arent available to see her. She presumably thought you'd drop everything to entertain her those 2 weeks she wants to see your son? Why would/should you?
Blimey that's pretty shocking

[Hoppinggreen]

It’s for your ex to facilitate contact with his family not you

[Thunderisntnicebythebeach]

Maybe stop thinking of her as a dgm and as an abuser enabler...