Cutting off a relative?

[FrogRainMoon]

Hi all,
Would like your advice on whether I'm making the right decision and how to go about it re. cutting contact with a family member?
Background: DH's dad walked out on his family when DH was a young teen. He did it via text - obviously broke DHs heart. He didn't keep contact with his dad, however a few other family members did. DH has never felt like he's missed out on having a dad over the years though, luckily he has other wonderful relatives who stepped up and he's old enough now to obvs understand none of it was his fault etc.

Anyway, despite the lack of contact, when we had our baby boy a few years ago we felt it only right to tell his dad and give him the opportunity to be in his grandson's life. We met up a few times at DHs nans house (with his nan present) so that he could meet baby, it was pleasant enough, but his dad wasn't exactly gushing at the opportunity to fix things with his son, if you get what I mean. I used to text him a lot with pictures of baby etc and would only get one word answers back. He'd never initiate any contact himself and most contact was done through me rather than through DH.
Unfortunately, DHs nan died a couple of years ago. At her funeral, promises were made by all of DHs long lost family to arrange get together, meet ups etc, however none of these have come to fruition and contact with his dad has dropped dramatically. We invited him to our wedding a few years back, he rejected the invite in a way that DH found quite hurtful. The only time we ever hear from him now is twice a year on on our sons birthday, and at Christmas, when he'll text asking if he can drop some presents off.

Now these presents - don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for the gesture, but they're always very cheap/flimsy plastic-y toys and never particularly thoughtful gifts (how would they be if he doesn't actually really know our child?) in fact he will almost always tell us that his new wife (who's never met our son) bought them and not him. And when he drops them off, he will literally just drop them and go - no effort made to see our son, ask how he is, arrange a get together etc. Just, 'here's a bag of presents, bye'.
As the years are rolling on, it's clear this is the only kind of contact he wants to have with our son, and as he's growing up, I'm getting really concerned about the impact it's going to have on him. We are so lucky that our sons other grandparents absolutely adore him and dote on him 24/7 so he has no shortage of loving relatives... So then how do we explain to him this other grandad who rocks up twice a year with a bag of naff presents and doesn't even bother to stop and say hello? (Not to mention that I'm sure the whole arrangement obviously stirs up feelings in DH, but he never opens up too much about it.)

My sons birthday is coming up so I know inevitably we'll hear from him sooner or later asking when he can drop off some gifts, and me and DH are strongly considering politely declining. I don't think he'll take it well and it will likely be the end of the relationship with him. DH isn't fussed about this, he says we've given him the opportunity to be in our lives, he hasn't taken it, and that's his loss not ours - and I totally agree. But I'm just not really sure what I'll say to his dad when the time comes?
Has anyone been in a similar position? Are we doing the right thing to cut him off and has anyone any tips on what exactly we can say? Thanks for reading, sorry its been a long one!

[Gymmum82]

DH dad is like this. Tbh we let him bring the presents and go. As kids get older they are all about the presents. So they love getting the stuff and don’t really care about seeing him. It’s all they know. They don’t know him as a person so they don’t care. They do care about the presents though and always ask when he’s bringing them

[Arched]

There doesn’t seem to be much to cut off. The man barely interacts.

I can see that keeping him in your lives is a constant reminder of how disappointing he is.

But will cutting him out cause you complicated feelings further down the line?

[Parkandpicnic]

I can’t see the purpose of you cutting him off other than to make a point that you’re not happy about the level of contact. Doing that clearly is going to make him suddenly devoted grandparent of the year.
Surely for your son’s benefit it is better to have a grandad who he knows thinks of him at Christmas and birthdays than creating a situation where he thinks his grandad doesn’t even acknowledge him. To be honest think it’s probably bothering you more than your son

[FrogRainMoon]

Thanks all, some good points made.
@Gymmum82 That's interesting to hear your kids perspective on it. I guess tbh part of me is nervous he'll become idolised by my kids for really only doing the bare minimum. But kids don't see it like that do they I suppose?

@Arched yeah, I think your spot on saying its a constant reminder for DH what a disappointment he's been, more or less his entire life (even before he walked out, they weren't close & he wasn't particularly involved in his life). I guess in that way DH feels like cutting him out won't be losing anything from his life. But yeah you're right, the risk of future issues is there I suppose. Like I said, I don't think he'd take it well and can't always predict how that'd pan out.

@Parkandpicnic yeah it deffo bothers us more than our kid. He's still too young to be aware of the wider context. I guess we kind of have an 'all or nothing' way or thinking atm especially as his other grandparents are so involved in his life. You're right, our son will probably benefit knowing he's at least been thought of - I think it's just hard for me & DH to see him kind of repeating the low-effort he put in with his own son, if you get me? Admittedly that's an 'us' problem tho.

[Parkandpicnic]

Can see why it’s difficult for your Dh and that would be the only reason would consider cut off the contact, if he found it too much. However really I don’t think it would end up helping him. For your son it’s totally different, tbh I don’t think he’ll be terribly bothered either way. Our children enjoy the relationships they have with our family they are closer to and if they died it suddenly left they would be very sad but we’ve got other family our DC have hardly met and they really don’t seem bothered by the set up, even as they are getting older. It’s just like you’ve probably got close friends and less close friends. I’ve seen the impact of a parent who hasn’t bothered in a child’s life and that is incomparable and always has caused huge hurt so can see that for your dh

[SparklingLime]

I'd put an end to it. What does it bring to any of you? I can imagine that having given his dad plenty of second chances, that ending this charade that he cares for his son or GS would be a relief and give some genuine closure.

[SparklingLime]

What so you mean by he won't "take it well"? He can hardly demand the right to drop off thoughtless presents? And not sure why you would have to think of something to say. A text from your DH would be appropriate, surely?

[SparklingLime]

@SparklingLime

I'd put an end to it. What does it bring to any of you? I can imagine that having given his dad plenty of second chances, that ending this charade that he cares for his son or GS would be a relief and give some genuine closure.

Sorry, awful last sentence there. Hope you get the jist - relief for your DH.

[INeedAnotherName]

Just a different perspective. My DF parents lived 5 hours away so we really never saw them. Used to get cards on birthdays and Christmas with a postal order inside. Maybe saw them once every five years. They were just "there" and, as children, it never really registered whether they loved us or not. It will be the same for those whose parents are in a different country.

I can't see any benefit to going NC, but at least the door is open if your child wants more contact in the future if you stay as you are. Of course this depends on how it is affecting DH atm.

[FrogRainMoon]

@SparklingLime it's kind of hard to explain, but DHs dad has quite an arrogant personality. He has the vibe of someone who doesn't think he's ever done anything wrong in his whole life and that everyone else is the problem, not him (not just in relation to us - like just in general, when he talks, you can tell he has that sense of thinking he's slightly superior etc). So I don't think he'd take it with grace - we would be the nasty evil villains and he'd be totally blind to any self-reflection that maybe this has all been caused by HIS actions. Like I said, he's never seemed to remotely acknowledge the difficulties he's caused DH over the years. I know he's probably got his own barriers and difficulties too, but yeah. Wouldn't surprise me in the slightest if he becomes very angry and bitter towards us. But he'd be allowed to think what he likes, it wouldn't really impact us if we had no contact with him at the end of the day...

[FrogRainMoon]

@INeedAnotherName i understand lots of families have long distance relatives, us included, where contact is subsequently minimal . I guess the difference here is that husbands dad isn't far away - he literally lives in the same town - he just voluntarily chose to walk out of his sons life for the best part of 15 years. That causes a level of hurt that's hard to undo, especially when we've made effort to invite him back into our lives, which he hasn't really taken. I guess that's where our feelings on this comes from, if that makes sense.