Is my dad cheating on my mum?

[Naranjas109]

Today whilst I was at my parents, I tried using their P.C and I commented to my mum how slow it was. She agreed so I thought I would clear it up for her , being somewhat of a little whiz at that I started uninstalling apps, cleaning up the registries, clearing caches etc and then got to the internet history.....I felt sick someone I.e. My dad had been looking at bang a granny, free f**k buddies etc etc, not only that it appeared he has an account on one of these sites and is actively looking for someone.

I feel sick, I can't process this information, I don't know what to do. I have a younger brother I think (I know!) he's 27, I'm 34 , I just don't know what to do, do I say anything? Tip my mum off?

I'm in a right mess and I need some help.

[AFistfulOfDolores]

ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT

[Shortofideas]

Zombie. What search dragged this up?

[Waytroze]

This thread is 11 months old.

[mrsBeverleyGoldberg]

I think your mum should know. It might be that she's not interested in sex anymore and is okay with him going elsewhere. But I don't think you should have to keep his secrets because it's not going to do your relationship with both of your parents any good.

[PastoralCare]

Draw a decision tree.

Start with

Tell
-outcome 1
-outcome 2
Etc

Don't tell
-outcome 1
-outcome 2
Etc

Then ask yourself if you are ok with these outcomes. For instance, if you know that in 1/3 cases your parents will split, are you ok with that state of affairs?

[19lottie82]

Stay out of it.

1 - it might not even be your dads history.

2 - maybe your mum and dad have an "arrangement"

Seriously, it's none of your business.

[Missbohan]

Are you absolutely sure it isn't some kind of pop up? Especially if computer was being slow - might have had a virus / spam on there. He might have just been watching porn and clicked on the wrong thing. I definitely wouldn't sit both your parents down together and mention it until you are absolutely certain what your dad was doing. That would be seriously mortifying for them both if it turns out nothing was actually going on and would almost certainly do some damage to their relationship even if it turned out your dad had nothing. I.e. Throwing it out in the open that your dad was maybe watching porn - it's just a ridiculously uncomfortable discussion for mum, dad and daughter to have.

[Digestive28]

Long shot but given they aren't great with computers are you sure your dad has actively looked at these sites rather than they had opened junk emails with viruses etc

[Steve1970]

Dont do it!!!!

You will ruin your relationship with your dad.

Just think about it for a minute. They may no longer have an active sex life. Your dad my still feel the need to express his sexusl desires in one way or another and he may simply be using the anonymity ofnthe internet to explore the online world of porn and sex. It may just give him a thrill and yes he may be madturbatung tonit but its 99% just fantasy and he will have no intention of ever folloeinh through on any of it. Vnfronting yourndad will be mortifying for him and you will never be able to speakbto him again without both of you feeling really awkward. Just accept your dad is a bloke with sexual urges and he is indulging in nothing more than harmless fantasy. To be honest your husband regardless of how well you think you know him has probably done something similar at some point as well or at the very least looked at porn when youve been out shopping etc.

[caffelatte100]

I wouldn't do anything until you are very sure, it will forever affect relationships. I wish you could unsee what you had. I saw something similar (though not as definite as you have seen, e.g. no subscriptions, he could have been "browsing") on my father's computer a few years ago.

I didn't say anything. I couldn't be sure. I did not want to interfere. Though I really toyed with it and was soooo upset. I don't know the details of their love life, maybe there's been nothing for years? I trust my father to make a judgement, it's his life, even if it's something horrible. The other thing is that my parents have a good marriage, they are away a lot together have a good life and are now enjoying retirement. Saying something may/would have spoilt it all. That said, my feelings for my dad changed. Perhaps, I love him a little less. It's really sad. I am glad that I didn't say anything... I also told my brother, but now I wish I hadn't, it was unloading on him (I got little back) and may also affect his relationship with his dad too and it wasn't necessary. Keep us updated.

[HerOtherHalf]

I'm not clear on how you conclude he is actively looking for someone and not just being voyeuristic or looking at porn. Anyway, now that the genie is out the bottle, I think you have to talk to him. At least you can make sure he fully understands the potential consequences and worst case scenario. I'll never cheat on my wife, first and foremost because she really is the only woman for me but also because I am cognizant of the impact it would have not only on her but on my kids and grandkids. Get through to him what he is risking and that cheating on his wife is cheating on his whole family.

[Naranjas109]

Well I did think about that however it said account sign successful so I'm guessing not. I haven't done anything about this yet as I'm still not 100% sure if to do anything at all...

[spooniestudent]

Tbh, they sound quite like the type of pop ups you get on porn sites, could it be something like that?

[AcrossthePond55]

I think it's a good idea. But I also think you need to think about what (if any) your next step will be if Dad tells you to butt out or that he won't tell your mum because it will 'hurt her too much'. Or if he begins to criticize your mum and their marriage by way of excusing himself.

Can't say I blame your DH. My own DH and his brother had to speak to their dad about his behaviour (staying out late and spending money) and I stayed well out of it!

[Naranjas109]

I think I'm going to have to confront my dad.

If I just tell him I was trying to speed up his p.c by clearing out unwanted files etc, he'll have a good indication of what's coming. I'm not going to threaten to tell my mum or use it to blackmail him, I'm going to tell him he needs to talk to my mum about it and if there are relationship problems then this isn't the way to fix them.

I've confided in my husband, but he has stepped back from in and doesn't want to get involved. Which I can't blame him.

What do you think? Good idea bad idea?

[troubleatmill2011]

What do you think you'll do OP?

[Naranjas109]

Thank you everyone you've all helped and sorry again for flying off the handle a bit feeling very sheepish x

[INeedNewShoes]

I would leave doing anything about it until you're feeling better and can think more clearly about it. If you have tonsillitis now is not the time to be taking action that could tear your family apart.

Its bound to be a shock. I would be horrified if I discovered something like this but you do need to handle the situation with care. Your mother might rather not know and could be very angry with you for bringing a situation into the open that she is vaguely aware of but has chosen to ignore.

[Lessthanaballpark]

OP, I have the perfect answer!

Sit them down (either both or just your dad) and say "I'm very worried about your PC because I think it may have been infected..." Explain that there have been some very dodgy pop ups and warn them against the dangers of clicking on unsolicited emails.

Offer to install an anti virus for them.

That way not only can you judge how guilty your dad is by how red he goes but you can give him long glances to let him know that you know!

[NaBiAgChaitheamhSmidiuTrom]

I'd confront my Dad as well. If it's really embarrassing to say the words 'fuck buddy'' to your Dad (and I would be embarrassed to) I would say 'father, you are behaving as though you want to end up divorced''

[AtSea1979]

I'd confront my dad if I was sure it was him.

[DearMrDilkington]

Why don't you speak to your brother? See what he thinks would be best to do, if anything.

[Naranjas109]

I'm not very good at stressful situations. I've broken out in spots all over and also seems I've got tonsillitis too. I'm such a fuckin light weight

[DearMrDilkington]

I have no advice, other than have a large ..

Sounds incredibly stressful.