ok, long story alert:
my parents are hopeless with money. I was hopeless with money (now I'm just poor). fb was hopeless with money (now he's married and fail is good with money.
so, when I started uni, I spent my grant paying hall fees and buying text books. I was working but got injured in a fall down the stairs at my parents and the pain meds meant I couldn't work. I got behind in my studies, got depressed. parents found out I was living on bred and honey and offered to send me 40 a week. I said yes. fast forward 15 years. it turned out thy couldn't afford that and it was my brother working while studying to pay the forty pounds.
after uni, I got married, had a child, got divorced, got left with debts by ex (everything in joint names and he had been in charge of finances). so ds and I moved in with my parents, I worked, dm looked after ds. I rented a flat, couldn't manage financially, got a cheaper council house, ran up debts (living beyond my means -pure stupidity). got bailed out by parents.
parents also had many debts (of which I was unaware) fb bailed them out financially and went on mortgage to allow them to keep the house.
parents eventually paid db back.
I had a nervous breakdown, moved back in with parents, rented out my house, found all this stuff out. saved up, moved home. a few times have taken out loans for parents in my name (I can say no the first few times they ask but they're really good at grinding me down). they have paid the loans back and given me bits of money here and there also.
in meantime fb gets married, they want to buy a house. db can not come off their mortgage now because the house is in negative equity. dm and df news to find the money to pay off he negative equity to release him so house is currently in dsil's name only. which dm gives dsil grief about (very strange).
dm and df got quite a lot of money in ppi compensation and uses it to buy NES lounge and dining room furniture, to have their lounge and dining room replastered and decoeates, to have curtains made for both rooms and artex (sp?) removed from he ceilings. they also paid off several thousand pounds in debts. db and dsil upset about this. dm cannot understand this.
now, dm turns 60 this year. df wants to tale her on holiday to celebrate. she wants ds and I to go. I can't afford it. she offers to pay for us to go. I feel uncomfortable about that ad they keep promising db and dsil that they will save what they can to release db from the mortgage.
dm starts on at me saying I'm depriving ds. that it's nothing to do with db and dsil so I shouldn't feel guilty. that the situation between dm and df and db and dsil is none of my business and I would say yes if the situation wasn't happening so I should go. that it's her 60th and she wants us there and db and dsil can afford to pay for themselves whereas she knows I can't (retraining so on 15k).
so I tried telling her my dissertation was due the week she wants to go (october half term) but it's not, it's a month earlier.
options (as I see it):
- go on holiday, dm happy, ds happy, I feel guilty, risk good relationships I have with db and dsil. I feel stressed about this.
- allow them to book the holiday but run myself ragged trying to pay them back. everyone happy - except me because I'll be back to living outside my means. I feel stressed about this.
- continue saying no, earn the eternal enmity of dm and ds (who is desperate to go abroad after camping for hree summers), keep good relationships with db and dsil, get stressed because of attitude of dm and ds.
.
I would say proceed with caution, though, it can be very upsetting to unpack all this stuff mentally, esp if you have previous mental health issues. It really knocked me for six, and dredges up a lot of stuff which I would say can be difficult to deal with when you are trying to be a parent and all-round even-keeled person.