Time being taken from me

[orchardgirl4]

How do you find time for yourself and to plan things with elderly parents? My father is ill and may have 1 or more months left to live, since January. I am visiting often, trying to help and be there, and I have not been booking anything or committing to things because I feel like I can't, because of the little time left. So half terms are coming and going and I don't book to do things with the children. My mother-in-law has started having multiple hospital appointments and keeps asking me to help her, so I'm driving her to and from these appointments, which are half hour drive away, plus the time in case of traffic, plus time for her to hobble through the hospital building to the appointment itself, then waiting for the appointment itself (I wait in the car) with a book, then pick her up from the hospital entrance and drive back. It takes ages. I am happy to help, she helps us with child care, and because I work part time it's better for me to do this than for my husband to take time off from work. Now she's booking in more and more appointments, asking me for dates in May half term. I want that time for my family, to take the children on a camping holiday, but I feel I can't book anything because of my dad, so nothing is booked, but I don't want to have my days booked up with hospital appointments for my mother-in-law. How do you push back, when they need your help, I can't not help?! This won't last forever, this time is precious?

[kiwiane]

You are right to ringfence that week with your children. Your MIL can use hospital transport or taxis - it’s totally unreasonable for you to do this on top of everything else.
You can’t help anyone else once you’re totally burnt out - start putting yourself and your children first. Get as much support as you can for your father. I wish you well.

[christmascactus22]

Following with interest, but I'm afraid I have no magic solutions. I realised today that I've avoided booking anything over the Easter holidays for either the DC or us as a family due to caring for elderly parents. People tell me I need to set boundaries, but I'm dealing with a fluid situation and it is difficult to decide where the boundaries should be. I've decided that at a minimum I'm going to ringfence a certain amount of time for us as a family, but haven't reached a decision about how much and when this should be. I have to be fluid because of changing care needs at present but also have to make sure my relationship with DH and the DC isn't neglected either. It is tough trying to do right by everyone.

[orchardgirl4]

That's exactly what I've realized, that I don't have any boundaries, and it's a tough time to have figured that out. Everyone depends on me.

[BartlebyArcher]

its hard. If it were me, I’d be prioritising my dad and my energy for my dad if he has only a short time left. Your MIL may need her son’s help while you are in this difficult situation. Re: the camping trip, if it’s going to cause stress and make you feel pulled in several directions, could you scale it back to a weekend or some
day trips?

[jannier]

When you say she's booking in appointments what do you mean where I am you have no choice unless you want to wait months I've got one for July 2025 if a cancellation comes I'm taking it.

[StiffyByngsDogBartholomew]

This could last for years. You need to put boundaries in place early. It took me 3 years before I realised that this situation (disabled mum and very grumpy father caring for her) could go on and on and on and I was not prepared to sacrifice my whole free time and family relationships to do things for them when dad won't make any adjustments at all. You can never get back that time with your children and that is equally precious and won't last forever. plus from painful experience when medics tell you the person is likely not to last very long they don't have a crystal ball. My mother wasn't going to make it out of hospital, survive the month, survive a year. Nearly 4 years later she is apparently indestructible.

So I cut down and now I only see them 6/7 days out of 10 not 9/10🙄

why can't your mil get herself to her appointments?

[Lovepeaceunderstanding]

I cared for both of my parents through old age and traumatic ill health. Altogether from start to finish it was about seven awful years. After my mum died dad came to live with me. It was very stressful. Have you registered with your GP as a carer? Have your relatives all accessed all the benefits they may be entitled to? Age U.K. are a good place to start. Any money received can be used to buy care or taxis etc. Your dad’s care should be fully funded if he has less than six months to live, you should ask the GP to refer him to a hospice, the hospice were epic helping me get everything I needed for my dad. I also got help in the form of 3 hours a week free of charge care from a charity called Crossroads Care.
I have a brother but he wasn’t interested and neither were his children 😔
that was so sad for my dad because he felt so unloved by them.
it is tough but I don’t regret it, well done for all you are doing. Good luck.

[Seeingadistance]

You have to prioritise and given that your MIL could pay a taxi driver to do what you are currently doing for her, then I'd be suggesting that that is what she do.

Commit to spending time with your family - even if you can't go far away or for any length of time in case your DF takes a turn for the worse. Go on fun days outs, long weekends etc. If you have to cancel, so be it. But at the moment, it's probably more likely that you're not going away in case something happens, and it doesn't.

[EmotionalBlackmail]

I've supported two people through terminal illness and made the mistake of throwing everything I had at the situation, to the detriment of my own health and, second time, my own child.

It's a marathon, not a sprint. It's very very hard to know when someone will die - one of mine lasted weeks rather than days, the other months rather than weeks. You have to be able to function yourself, and you have to be able to care for your child. If the child is also losing a grandparent or similar
then they will also need your support to cope with their grief.

I'd book yourself some nice days out with children. Maybe organise the camping trip but not too far away? Encourage your MIL to book hospital transport, it doesn't have to be you taking her.

[WimpoleHat]

Now she's booking in more and more appointments, asking me for dates in May half term.

”That’s half term week, MIL - I’m taking the kids away. Have you looked at hospital transport? Or might be easier to get a taxi.” And repeat. That’s your time with your children.

[RainbowZebraWarrior]

My 79 year old mother has just been discharged from hospital today after a fall 12 days ago, where she fractured her spine. She also has colon cancer.

I remember thinking in my 20s and 30s that I needed to enjoy those years, because my 40s and 50s could be spent juggling kids and elderly parents.

I'm 52 and a single parent. I have a 12 year old Autistic DD, and I'm unlucky enough to have found myself in a position with a number of debilitating long term health issues myself. After coming to terms with this, I decided I was not only not going to be a martyr, but I simply couldn't.

Caring often mostly falls to women. Even if they are working full time, also caring for kids, struggling with mental health issues / burnout / relationship or marriage issues / menopause etc.

Use the advice and support of specialist charities. Take the offer of any care options, respite care, benefits (Attendance allowance etc) Use any benefits your parent is entitled to, to pay for cleaners etc. Do not do this yourself. Speak to the GP for support, take the holiday, and ensure that you get at least some time to yourself.

This is a time in your life when you realise how supportive your partner is. Or isn't as the case may be.

[RainbowZebraWarrior]

I'm sorry if I've missed it, but you've not mentioned your partners role at all in this.

[Almahart]

@WimpoleHat

Now she's booking in more and more appointments, asking me for dates in May half term.

”That’s half term week, MIL - I’m taking the kids away. Have you looked at hospital transport? Or might be easier to get a taxi.” And repeat. That’s your time with your children.

This. PP who said that you don't know when someone is going to die are right. Keep planning things with your kids, if you have to cancel because of a genuine emergency then so be it.

[Ilikewinter]

You tell your MIL that your are spending your precious time with your father and your kids. Where is your DH or partner?, cant he taxi his own mum around?

[orchardgirl4]

That's a good idea, nice and assertive saying "that's half term week, I'll be taking the children away." I'll find a taxi number to give her.
You're right, you don't know when it will happen. It's a mindset shift to get back to planning things despite the worries.
My husband is also finding his non-working days (he works full time) are also being used by his mum for appts and asking him to take her shopping. He doesn't have any boundaries either, so we've both been saying yes, lifetime habit. I've recently suggested she try online shopping, which she seems to be okay with, so we'll find her a mobile phone contract with data on (she has no Internet).
I think I'll need to plan my weeks in advance more so I know what my priorities are and then I'll be better prepared to say no or yes.