Growing old alone

[Strawberriesandpears]

Hello,

I was wondering if I could seek some advice please? How would you plan your old age if you had absolutely nobody to support you? This is what I am facing (only child, no children of my own, no extended family).

At the moment it is a long way off (I am 37) and I also appreciate (and actually hope) that it may never happen. Old age is not promised to any of us.

One of my parents is currently ill. I am having to face my own mortality, loneliness and isolation and feel absolutely terrified.

[Rocknrollstar]

I would think about buying a property in a retirement community when you approach retirement. Also, you need to be making friends now. Join local groups or classes. When you are over 55 join U3A. Our local area also has a NT Supporters Group and a history society. alternatively, get involved in a religious community or join a walking group. Become active in your local church perhaps. One piece of advice I didn’t take, is to learn to play bridge. You will always be in demand to make up a four. In my experience, women on their own are a friendly bunch always looking for new people to share their activities. Joining a gym is good too. DS has an active social life simply based around the people she has met at classes. When you are working full time you have no idea of what else is going on in the area where you live.

[olderbutwiser]

Ideally, have plenty of money.
Live somewhere with easy access of medical care and services. Close to gp, hospital, care services.
Plan for not being able to drive (although driverless cars will be a godsend to the elderly).
Give a solicitor Power of Attorney, and very very clear instructions about your preferences and wishes.
Alternatively, if you have a younger-generation friend (eg a friend’s reliable child) who is suitable make them your heir/leave them a wedge of £ in return for them taking responsibility for you later on - give them POA.
You can write an Advance Decision to Refuse Treatment for medical care that is legally binding.
Plan and pay for your funeral.

[GOODCAT]

I don't have kids and am older than you. I get it, but equally don't ruin your life by worrying about something that is a long way off.

You will build yourself a network of people and will seek help for yourself at an earlier stage as you won't have the option of having your kids run around after you.

[Strawberriesandpears]

Thank you for the advice so far. Something that worries me also is how to 'clear up' after myself when I die. I am going to start 'Swedish death cleansing' now so that I have fewer possessions but obviously I will still need to have had some items at my death (clothes etc). How can I arrange for them to be disposed of?

[maxelly]

I'm sorry to hear about your sick parent, totally understandable that you are thinking and worrying about these things now. That being said I think you are worrying unnecessarily. You're very young and in all likelihood it's a long way in the future, who knows what will have changed in your life by then. Also surely it doesn't really matter deciding now who will deal with your clothes and other bits and pieces, is this perhaps your grief/anxiety seizing on something concrete and tangible to fixate on? Things I think you can sensibly put in place now:

-Money makes nearly everything easier so having a stable housing situation, good cushion of savings and healthy pension is something you can prioritize now.

-Take care of yourself healthwise, obviously some health problems are not avoidable but keeping fit and active, mentally agile etc and taking sensible proactive steps for a healthy lifestyle (getting good sleep, managing stress, drinking water, eating a balanced diet) may make the difference in terms of being able to stay independent for longer in old age as well as potentially improving your life now. Addressing any issues like joint problems, vision or hearing deterioration early and trying to avoid being in denial for as long as possible is sensible. If you are offered help or adaptations to your home at any stage take them even if you don't really think you need them. Similarly maybe practice at an early stage accepting help with things like cleaning before you really start to struggle, many elderly I've known really feel a lot of shame and reluctance about bringing in outsiders to help even with trivial things like gardening, housework but realistically even if you had a partner or children to help it's likely you'd need some assistance at some stage so if you can afford it why not start earlier rather than later.

-Consider living in (or making plans at retirement age to move to) a sensible, accessible property, somewhere where there are good facilities for the elderly, good public transport, amenities, things to do, sense of community, accessible healthcare etc. I can't recommend strongly enough retirement communities ('sheltered housing'), particularly 'extra care' facilities - you can move in once you are 55 usually (might be 60 by the time it's relevant to you), they're not care homes, you have your own self-contained flat and live as independently as you want to but things are simplified financially as bills and maintenance are included within your rent or service charge and things like gardening and essential maintenance work are arranged for you by the management company, there is additional care and personal assistance available on-site to be bought in if needed, often there's a restaurant or meals service available, and most importantly usually there's a good sense of community with planned activities but also lots of informal opportunities to socialise too. There are very swanky versions available with swimming pools and gyms and so on (with service charges to match!) but equally there are lots and lots run by housing trusts which really are very affordable so please don't be put off by the horror stories about the expensive versions.

-Speak to a solicitor about making a will - you can leave your money as you like (to charity or similar if you don't want it going to family) - you will need to appoint an executor who will be responsible for ensuring your estate is managed in accordance with your will. Usually the executor will arrange for your funeral in accordance with any wishes you've left (you can buy a funeral plan or just ensure there's enough money in your estate to pay) and will also ensure your house is cleared out for sale or returned to landlord if you rent. As per a PP a friend or young relative would likely be fine to do this role and it would be worth their while if you leave them some money in the will, or even simpler, nominate a solicitor as professional executor and they will take care of it all (for a fee of course). Professional house clearers will likely be brought in if you use a professional executor and will very happily deal with clothes, furniture, kitchen items etc. so don't worry about that although if there are valuable assets or even just sentimental items you'd like to leave to someone specific make sure to put that in the will.

-You can consider making a lasting power of attorney (again can be either a friend or relative or a solicitor) who will advocate for you and ensure any expressed intentions (e.g. going into a care home) are followed as far as possible should you lose capacity to make these decisions for yourself e.g. through dementia. Make sure you explain what you would want to happen in these instances to the person you nominate so they can follow your wishes.

-Personally in terms of loneliness and emotional wellbeing, I'd focus on improving my life now rather than thinking too far into the future - obviously you can't just snap your fingers and feel better overnight but e.g. if you are lonely now, what steps can you take to resolve this? Not necessarily getting a romantic partner unless that's something you particularly want, but social connections generally, through work, hobbies, friendships, volunteering etc? Even if the situation with your parent at the moment prevents taking a lot of steps forward on this right now you can make a medium term plan? The good news is that many people these days have 20 years+ in retirement in good health which is a lot of time to make new connections or reinforce old ones if you go about it in the right way so I don't think you need to assume you'll definitely be isolated in retirement (if you plan to move to shack on a hebridean island populated only by puffins with no wifi, no car and knowing no-one within a 100 mile radius it will be more challenging of course but even then there are ways and means!).

[Strawberriesandpears]

@maxelly Thank you very much for such a detailed reply.

I am lucky enough that I should be able to afford a retirement village type setting and I have found one in my area which is very highly rated. I just hope and prey it is still open and has a place for me when I need it. I would definitely be happy to move there at 55 / 60. It has independent living, followed by serviced flats then a care home if needed.

I am very lonely now, I think. I do have a partner, but worry constantly about losing him and then ending up alone again. I'd feel happier if I could develop a 'family' of friends, but I don't know how realistic this is.

Thank you again.

[thepastinsidethepresent]

@olderbutwiser

Ideally, have plenty of money.
Live somewhere with easy access of medical care and services. Close to gp, hospital, care services.
Plan for not being able to drive (although driverless cars will be a godsend to the elderly).
Give a solicitor Power of Attorney, and very very clear instructions about your preferences and wishes.
Alternatively, if you have a younger-generation friend (eg a friend’s reliable child) who is suitable make them your heir/leave them a wedge of £ in return for them taking responsibility for you later on - give them POA.
You can write an Advance Decision to Refuse Treatment for medical care that is legally binding.
Plan and pay for your funeral.

Why are you assuming OP would want to refuse treatment?

[Strawberriesandpears]

@thepastinsidethepresent

Why are you assuming OP would want to refuse treatment?

It's OK, I probably would to be honest! Thank you though.