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Elderly parents

Growing old alone

122 replies

Strawberriesandpears · 25/03/2024 09:03

Hello,

I was wondering if I could seek some advice please? How would you plan your old age if you had absolutely nobody to support you? This is what I am facing (only child, no children of my own, no extended family).

At the moment it is a long way off (I am 37) and I also appreciate (and actually hope) that it may never happen. Old age is not promised to any of us.

One of my parents is currently ill. I am having to face my own mortality, loneliness and isolation and feel absolutely terrified.

OP posts:
Rocknrollstar · 25/03/2024 09:09

I would think about buying a property in a retirement community when you approach retirement. Also, you need to be making friends now. Join local groups or classes. When you are over 55 join U3A. Our local area also has a NT Supporters Group and a history society. alternatively, get involved in a religious community or join a walking group. Become active in your local church perhaps. One piece of advice I didn’t take, is to learn to play bridge. You will always be in demand to make up a four. In my experience, women on their own are a friendly bunch always looking for new people to share their activities. Joining a gym is good too. DS has an active social life simply based around the people she has met at classes. When you are working full time you have no idea of what else is going on in the area where you live.

olderbutwiser · 25/03/2024 09:10

Ideally, have plenty of money.
Live somewhere with easy access of medical care and services. Close to gp, hospital, care services.
Plan for not being able to drive (although driverless cars will be a godsend to the elderly).
Give a solicitor Power of Attorney, and very very clear instructions about your preferences and wishes.
Alternatively, if you have a younger-generation friend (eg a friend’s reliable child) who is suitable make them your heir/leave them a wedge of £ in return for them taking responsibility for you later on - give them POA.
You can write an Advance Decision to Refuse Treatment for medical care that is legally binding.
Plan and pay for your funeral.

GOODCAT · 25/03/2024 09:13

I don't have kids and am older than you. I get it, but equally don't ruin your life by worrying about something that is a long way off.

You will build yourself a network of people and will seek help for yourself at an earlier stage as you won't have the option of having your kids run around after you.

Strawberriesandpears · 25/03/2024 14:05

Thank you for the advice so far. Something that worries me also is how to 'clear up' after myself when I die. I am going to start 'Swedish death cleansing' now so that I have fewer possessions but obviously I will still need to have had some items at my death (clothes etc). How can I arrange for them to be disposed of?

OP posts:
maxelly · 25/03/2024 15:30

I'm sorry to hear about your sick parent, totally understandable that you are thinking and worrying about these things now. That being said I think you are worrying unnecessarily. You're very young and in all likelihood it's a long way in the future, who knows what will have changed in your life by then. Also surely it doesn't really matter deciding now who will deal with your clothes and other bits and pieces, is this perhaps your grief/anxiety seizing on something concrete and tangible to fixate on? Things I think you can sensibly put in place now:

-Money makes nearly everything easier so having a stable housing situation, good cushion of savings and healthy pension is something you can prioritize now.

-Take care of yourself healthwise, obviously some health problems are not avoidable but keeping fit and active, mentally agile etc and taking sensible proactive steps for a healthy lifestyle (getting good sleep, managing stress, drinking water, eating a balanced diet) may make the difference in terms of being able to stay independent for longer in old age as well as potentially improving your life now. Addressing any issues like joint problems, vision or hearing deterioration early and trying to avoid being in denial for as long as possible is sensible. If you are offered help or adaptations to your home at any stage take them even if you don't really think you need them. Similarly maybe practice at an early stage accepting help with things like cleaning before you really start to struggle, many elderly I've known really feel a lot of shame and reluctance about bringing in outsiders to help even with trivial things like gardening, housework but realistically even if you had a partner or children to help it's likely you'd need some assistance at some stage so if you can afford it why not start earlier rather than later.

-Consider living in (or making plans at retirement age to move to) a sensible, accessible property, somewhere where there are good facilities for the elderly, good public transport, amenities, things to do, sense of community, accessible healthcare etc. I can't recommend strongly enough retirement communities ('sheltered housing'), particularly 'extra care' facilities - you can move in once you are 55 usually (might be 60 by the time it's relevant to you), they're not care homes, you have your own self-contained flat and live as independently as you want to but things are simplified financially as bills and maintenance are included within your rent or service charge and things like gardening and essential maintenance work are arranged for you by the management company, there is additional care and personal assistance available on-site to be bought in if needed, often there's a restaurant or meals service available, and most importantly usually there's a good sense of community with planned activities but also lots of informal opportunities to socialise too. There are very swanky versions available with swimming pools and gyms and so on (with service charges to match!) but equally there are lots and lots run by housing trusts which really are very affordable so please don't be put off by the horror stories about the expensive versions.

-Speak to a solicitor about making a will - you can leave your money as you like (to charity or similar if you don't want it going to family) - you will need to appoint an executor who will be responsible for ensuring your estate is managed in accordance with your will. Usually the executor will arrange for your funeral in accordance with any wishes you've left (you can buy a funeral plan or just ensure there's enough money in your estate to pay) and will also ensure your house is cleared out for sale or returned to landlord if you rent. As per a PP a friend or young relative would likely be fine to do this role and it would be worth their while if you leave them some money in the will, or even simpler, nominate a solicitor as professional executor and they will take care of it all (for a fee of course). Professional house clearers will likely be brought in if you use a professional executor and will very happily deal with clothes, furniture, kitchen items etc. so don't worry about that although if there are valuable assets or even just sentimental items you'd like to leave to someone specific make sure to put that in the will.

-You can consider making a lasting power of attorney (again can be either a friend or relative or a solicitor) who will advocate for you and ensure any expressed intentions (e.g. going into a care home) are followed as far as possible should you lose capacity to make these decisions for yourself e.g. through dementia. Make sure you explain what you would want to happen in these instances to the person you nominate so they can follow your wishes.

-Personally in terms of loneliness and emotional wellbeing, I'd focus on improving my life now rather than thinking too far into the future - obviously you can't just snap your fingers and feel better overnight but e.g. if you are lonely now, what steps can you take to resolve this? Not necessarily getting a romantic partner unless that's something you particularly want, but social connections generally, through work, hobbies, friendships, volunteering etc? Even if the situation with your parent at the moment prevents taking a lot of steps forward on this right now you can make a medium term plan? The good news is that many people these days have 20 years+ in retirement in good health which is a lot of time to make new connections or reinforce old ones if you go about it in the right way so I don't think you need to assume you'll definitely be isolated in retirement (if you plan to move to shack on a hebridean island populated only by puffins with no wifi, no car and knowing no-one within a 100 mile radius it will be more challenging of course but even then there are ways and means!).

Strawberriesandpears · 25/03/2024 15:45

@maxelly Thank you very much for such a detailed reply.

I am lucky enough that I should be able to afford a retirement village type setting and I have found one in my area which is very highly rated. I just hope and prey it is still open and has a place for me when I need it. I would definitely be happy to move there at 55 / 60. It has independent living, followed by serviced flats then a care home if needed.

I am very lonely now, I think. I do have a partner, but worry constantly about losing him and then ending up alone again. I'd feel happier if I could develop a 'family' of friends, but I don't know how realistic this is.

Thank you again.

OP posts:
thepastinsidethepresent · 25/03/2024 15:49

olderbutwiser · 25/03/2024 09:10

Ideally, have plenty of money.
Live somewhere with easy access of medical care and services. Close to gp, hospital, care services.
Plan for not being able to drive (although driverless cars will be a godsend to the elderly).
Give a solicitor Power of Attorney, and very very clear instructions about your preferences and wishes.
Alternatively, if you have a younger-generation friend (eg a friend’s reliable child) who is suitable make them your heir/leave them a wedge of £ in return for them taking responsibility for you later on - give them POA.
You can write an Advance Decision to Refuse Treatment for medical care that is legally binding.
Plan and pay for your funeral.

Why are you assuming OP would want to refuse treatment?

Strawberriesandpears · 25/03/2024 15:51

thepastinsidethepresent · 25/03/2024 15:49

Why are you assuming OP would want to refuse treatment?

It's OK, I probably would to be honest! Thank you though.

OP posts:
SoManyTshirts · 26/11/2024 16:58

Consider how you will manage when you can no longer drive, or even just struggle to drive in the dark.

MereDintofPandiculation · 26/11/2024 20:06

Strawberriesandpears · 25/03/2024 15:45

@maxelly Thank you very much for such a detailed reply.

I am lucky enough that I should be able to afford a retirement village type setting and I have found one in my area which is very highly rated. I just hope and prey it is still open and has a place for me when I need it. I would definitely be happy to move there at 55 / 60. It has independent living, followed by serviced flats then a care home if needed.

I am very lonely now, I think. I do have a partner, but worry constantly about losing him and then ending up alone again. I'd feel happier if I could develop a 'family' of friends, but I don't know how realistic this is.

Thank you again.

One thing that gives me hope is the work they are doing in Japan developing robots for elder care. I’m just happy if something responds to me, I don’t need it to be human. The £100 robocats you can buy are rather nice but a bit formulaic, but I’ve just seen an article on a Japanese furry rugby ball shaped thing which develops a “personality” depending on how you interact with it. 30 years time, so much will have changed. (Thirty years ago the internet was in its infancy and virtually unusable, mobile phones were rare and just about portable)

hypers294 · 27/11/2024 13:44

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

winsomewoman · 28/11/2024 12:40

OP, I hope you're feeling less morbid and more positive than you were earlier this year. The idea of Swedish death cleaning at the age of 37 and your lack of friends sounds really grim. If you're still feeling stuck and fixated on your own death, I'd suggest getting some help from your GP if you think you might be depressed or from a psychotherapist who can help you through. Perhaps some CBT to turn some of your negative thinking around? For clarity, I think it's great to be thinking of your long-term future and making plans. But it's not so great if this death-planning seems to be dominating your life. You have many years to live a healthy and happy and fulfilled life.

I've got a slightly left-of-field suggestion — and that's never to retire. I would start planning now for this. There's lots of research that indicates that loneliness and a sense of being of no use or interest to anyone is a major contributor to a difficult old age. I'm in my 60s and I'm not planning to retire because I enjoy the work I do and, above all, the people it brings me into contact with. Even though I could have retired a couple of years ago, I'm working on and I hope to be able to keep going for at least another 10 years — hopefully till the day before I die. I'm down to a four-day week, and I've negotiated more annual leave and a day wfh once a week, but I have great colleagues and I know that my work makes a difference in some if not all cases. I feel useful, the extra money means I can have some luxuries in life and above all it gives structure to my week and year.

My BIL was very ill recently and the LA paid for care at home for several months. Several of the carers were very fit, bright older women either approaching or past retirement age. They all loved the job, enjoyed working with people and got a lot back from their clients. They all seemed very happy and cheerful, despite some of the rather grim things they had to do. One of them said, when I asked, that she planned to keep doing the work as long as possible. She was putting some of her earnings away for the day she needed care and she was also sussing out which women she was working with who she'd want to look after her when she needed it.

So I'd say: start working out what kind of work will bring you pleasure as well as earning a living and plan what you need to do now to be in that work in 5 or 10 years. You might need to go to university, you might need to retrain. Focus on finding work that rewards you in all ways, not just financially. And add in all the other things people have mentioned down the line, particularly developing relationships and making friends. It's a skill and you can learn it. It will be useful to you when you're 50 or 70 or 90.

Uricon2 · 28/11/2024 13:05

@Strawberriesandpears I truly mean this kindly. You say that you are lonely and fear losing your partner and ending up alone again. While it's always sensible to have some provision/idea of the future in mind and eg a will in place, I'd gently suggest that you sound quite depressed and I doubt the illness of your parent is helping that. Perhaps talking to someone about how you feel is an idea, because picking out your retirement community and worrying about how your clothes will be disposed of at 37 is very premature and you have a life to live now.

ETA I posted before seeing the excellent post by @winsomewoman

Strawberriesandpears · 29/11/2024 14:28

winsomewoman · 28/11/2024 12:40

OP, I hope you're feeling less morbid and more positive than you were earlier this year. The idea of Swedish death cleaning at the age of 37 and your lack of friends sounds really grim. If you're still feeling stuck and fixated on your own death, I'd suggest getting some help from your GP if you think you might be depressed or from a psychotherapist who can help you through. Perhaps some CBT to turn some of your negative thinking around? For clarity, I think it's great to be thinking of your long-term future and making plans. But it's not so great if this death-planning seems to be dominating your life. You have many years to live a healthy and happy and fulfilled life.

I've got a slightly left-of-field suggestion — and that's never to retire. I would start planning now for this. There's lots of research that indicates that loneliness and a sense of being of no use or interest to anyone is a major contributor to a difficult old age. I'm in my 60s and I'm not planning to retire because I enjoy the work I do and, above all, the people it brings me into contact with. Even though I could have retired a couple of years ago, I'm working on and I hope to be able to keep going for at least another 10 years — hopefully till the day before I die. I'm down to a four-day week, and I've negotiated more annual leave and a day wfh once a week, but I have great colleagues and I know that my work makes a difference in some if not all cases. I feel useful, the extra money means I can have some luxuries in life and above all it gives structure to my week and year.

My BIL was very ill recently and the LA paid for care at home for several months. Several of the carers were very fit, bright older women either approaching or past retirement age. They all loved the job, enjoyed working with people and got a lot back from their clients. They all seemed very happy and cheerful, despite some of the rather grim things they had to do. One of them said, when I asked, that she planned to keep doing the work as long as possible. She was putting some of her earnings away for the day she needed care and she was also sussing out which women she was working with who she'd want to look after her when she needed it.

So I'd say: start working out what kind of work will bring you pleasure as well as earning a living and plan what you need to do now to be in that work in 5 or 10 years. You might need to go to university, you might need to retrain. Focus on finding work that rewards you in all ways, not just financially. And add in all the other things people have mentioned down the line, particularly developing relationships and making friends. It's a skill and you can learn it. It will be useful to you when you're 50 or 70 or 90.

Thank you very much @winsomewoman for your kind reply. I am still feeling very anxious about my future. Some days I can look at it more positively, but then the negative thoughts do end up creeping back in unfortunately.

I have been to my GP and have tried medication, but I found the side effects quite brutal. CBT is something I am interested in pursuing though.

Your idea about not retiring is a good one, although I definitely couldn't face the idea of staying in my current (boring office!) job. I have actually wondered if a move into working / volunteering with older people might be something I could look into. I don't think care or nursing type work would be for me, but I could for example see myself as an activities coordinator or social prescriber or something like that. I think I might find that kind of work fulfilling and also (and this is maybe a selfish reason!) being exposed to how other people navigate their later years might make me worry a little less about mine!

Thank you again. I really appreciate you taking the time to reply to me.

OP posts:
Strawberriesandpears · 29/11/2024 14:30

Uricon2 · 28/11/2024 13:05

@Strawberriesandpears I truly mean this kindly. You say that you are lonely and fear losing your partner and ending up alone again. While it's always sensible to have some provision/idea of the future in mind and eg a will in place, I'd gently suggest that you sound quite depressed and I doubt the illness of your parent is helping that. Perhaps talking to someone about how you feel is an idea, because picking out your retirement community and worrying about how your clothes will be disposed of at 37 is very premature and you have a life to live now.

ETA I posted before seeing the excellent post by @winsomewoman

Edited

Thank you @Uricon2 for your kind reply too. I think I may well be suffering from depression. I did go to my doctor earlier this year and was prescribed medication, but I found the side effects quite brutal. I think maybe a course of CBT is something I need to look into.

Thank you again.

OP posts:
Orangesandlemons77 · 29/11/2024 15:18

OP I am a bit older than you (late 40s) but I know what you mean about parents in decline making you feel anxious etc. I think we can tend to focus on ways to control the situation in order to make it feel a bit easier.

It's not easy but I try and live in the moment a bit more. Maybe make some plans bit don't get too focused on it and lose what is going on right now.

Also, many people have children that don't / won't / can't care for them in old age, it is not a given.

Uricon2 · 29/11/2024 18:56

Strawberriesandpears · 29/11/2024 14:30

Thank you @Uricon2 for your kind reply too. I think I may well be suffering from depression. I did go to my doctor earlier this year and was prescribed medication, but I found the side effects quite brutal. I think maybe a course of CBT is something I need to look into.

Thank you again.

It isn't one size fits all with antidepressants, you may need to try a few until you find one that works for you. I'm told the side effects are worth persevering with for a while at least, until they settle.

Strawberriesandpears · 21/08/2025 12:58

Sorry to bump this thread again, but I have been going through another spell of worrying and have been researching my options again. I've found an over 55's development in a lovely village quite close to my current home. It has a care alarm and a manager (although they aren't on site all the time). I think I could be quite happy living there. I'd try and fill my days volunteering. For example there is a hospice nearby which I would like to volunteer at / raise funds for, as well as other opportunities in the small nearby city.

My concern at the moment is, if I am completely on my own, how would I coordinate a move to a care home if my health failed and required it? If I were to pick one out in advance, could I state my wish somewhere (like with a solicitor) and would the management of the over 55's development help with the move?

I am working on developing a circle of close friends in the hope someone would care enough to help, and of course to try and make my life more enjoyable in terms of companionship and not feeling as lonely.

Thank you in advance for any advice / thoughts.

OP posts:
Orangesandlemons77 · 21/08/2025 14:07

Strawberriesandpears · 21/08/2025 12:58

Sorry to bump this thread again, but I have been going through another spell of worrying and have been researching my options again. I've found an over 55's development in a lovely village quite close to my current home. It has a care alarm and a manager (although they aren't on site all the time). I think I could be quite happy living there. I'd try and fill my days volunteering. For example there is a hospice nearby which I would like to volunteer at / raise funds for, as well as other opportunities in the small nearby city.

My concern at the moment is, if I am completely on my own, how would I coordinate a move to a care home if my health failed and required it? If I were to pick one out in advance, could I state my wish somewhere (like with a solicitor) and would the management of the over 55's development help with the move?

I am working on developing a circle of close friends in the hope someone would care enough to help, and of course to try and make my life more enjoyable in terms of companionship and not feeling as lonely.

Thank you in advance for any advice / thoughts.

You can do a power of attorney and place that with e.g a solicitor. There might be some advice online.

My friend is alone and has recently moved to almshouse housing, it is really lovely and for over 55s. For women on their own and on a low income. I think it has a kind of warden but they are nonintrusive.

https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/money-legal/legal-issues/power-of-attorney/

https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/money-legal/legal-issues/power-of-attorney/

Flossflower · 21/08/2025 20:42

OP, you are going through a bad time at the moment and you are probably feeling a bit depressed but really you should not be thinking about growing old now. I am nearly twice your age and the last half of my life has definitely been the best.
Instead of thinking of old age you should be thinking about making your life good now. If you are lonely now, think of taking up a new hobby or interest where you might find like minded people and new friends.

Lastknownaddress · 21/08/2025 21:23

Strawberriesandpears · 25/03/2024 09:03

Hello,

I was wondering if I could seek some advice please? How would you plan your old age if you had absolutely nobody to support you? This is what I am facing (only child, no children of my own, no extended family).

At the moment it is a long way off (I am 37) and I also appreciate (and actually hope) that it may never happen. Old age is not promised to any of us.

One of my parents is currently ill. I am having to face my own mortality, loneliness and isolation and feel absolutely terrified.

I hear you. Not too disimilar position. Watching with interest but my plan is to tie up as many of my affairs legally as possible. Advanced directives etc.

Move into a retirement village early enough to settle and enjoy it. Do as much to stay as active and sociable as possible.

Hope for the best.

hattie43 · 21/08/2025 21:28

I see my future like this . I come from a very small family and am divorced with no children .
I hope to keep as fit and healthy as possible for as long as possible . When I can no longer manage at home I will probably get carers in at home or go into a retirement home . I’m hoping communal living becomes more of a thing to give support . It’s not a nice prospect tbh but you have to make the best of your circumstances.

thecatsgranny · 21/08/2025 21:31

But you are in your 30s. You could still meet a partner and/or have children. Anything could happen, you have most of your life to live.

honestly I think you are suffering from anxiety/depression and just fixating on old age now’s Maybe because you feel alone and unsupported now. Try to get some help to be happier now rather than worrying about the distant future.

Limehawkmoth · 21/08/2025 21:42

Strawberriesandpears · 25/03/2024 15:45

@maxelly Thank you very much for such a detailed reply.

I am lucky enough that I should be able to afford a retirement village type setting and I have found one in my area which is very highly rated. I just hope and prey it is still open and has a place for me when I need it. I would definitely be happy to move there at 55 / 60. It has independent living, followed by serviced flats then a care home if needed.

I am very lonely now, I think. I do have a partner, but worry constantly about losing him and then ending up alone again. I'd feel happier if I could develop a 'family' of friends, but I don't know how realistic this is.

Thank you again.

Re loneliness .. this is crucial as key indicator now for cognative decline and correlation to dementia ( associated with mental resilience)

do NOT get in a panic about being lonely at 37. I think huge numbers of people get very lonely, even in marriages, at that age. Raising kids, working full time, caring for elderly parents, all takes up time and energy and act of putting yourself out there to make friends is hard ( especially if you’re introverted). People assume everyone else is busy with their busy and exciting lives and are afraid to reach out.

this was me.

then I divorced and moved at age 57, after 30 plus years of marriage. I also retired.

I am introverted but knew I need to develop a social network and support network. I joined my local U3A ( others have suggested too) and 5 years later I have brilliant groups of friends from all my different activities. For first time since I was a kid I hear people talk about “being friends” …it’s massively liberating! I have a great social network, always someone about who might want to have a meet up over cuppa or go out to cinema with. But equally important I know I can call for help for lift to hospital for those tests where you can’t drive for, and equally I offer lifts, visits etc.

and off of that, as my confidence grew, I joined other non U3A stuff, and volunteered. I’m now limited as do enjoy my own company and want to protect that. But I get out at minimum 2-3 times a week with friends.

so please don’t look bleakly on loneliness. So many people want friends and it’s just about opportunities. Look for those. Force yourself once time is right.

as for other stuff, many people already talked about logistics…but be careful of over 55 communities…houses can be buggers to sell, over inflated cost to buy, some even have very strict rules about what happens if you need care. Read the small print. Bungalow, yep but in very short supply and a lot are crap layouts ..mine has been A massive money sink…so also look at 2 story properties that you could install a lift in ( lifts can go in small places now). Be on a bus route ( free bus pass), close to local amenities and Gp/ hospital.

LPOA yes. But appoint professional, if you have no family. If you have family then anppoint jointly, and be very realistic around care plans. I learnt a lot after my dad got LBD, and tore up my rose coloured spectacle LPOA/expression of wishes, and have something now altogether more realistic, even if that is more bleak. I also have named two female relatives that must be consulted on my medical LPOA, although not attorneys. They’re in medical jobs and I wanted a female, medical opinion in my care plans, not just my two male non medical knowledge attorneys.

Strawberriesandpears · 21/08/2025 22:59

@Orangesandlemons77 Thank you for your advice. That sounds like a lovely solution for your friend.

@Flossflower Thank you - yes, I am definitely suffering from depression. It's situational depression and it's hard to get out of as ultimately there is nothing I can do to change my situation. It's hard to feel so powerless. I wish I could feel more positive like you! I am not actually doing too badly for friends at the moment though, for which I should be more grateful! I guess the worry is that I don't know that these friends will remain in my life forever (although I am confident at least one will). I think I should take my ability to make friends now as a positive thing - it demonstrates that I should be able to continue to make friends as I go through life.

@hattie43 and @Lastknownaddress Thank you. I am sorry you are in this position too. I think it is the that underlying feeling that the future is probably a bit bleak and lonely that is so hard to deal with. Wishing you well now and in the future.

OP posts: