Would you tell your Mum about your holiday?

[Ishouldgodostuff]

I'm a good overthinker but I'm planning a short break/holiday away from home soon & in 2 minds if I tell my Mum of my plans. Or not.

Mum = 93 years old, several health concerns for her age, but still living independently in her own home - which is amazing. I'm the only sibling of 3 living close by.

We dont go away very often & the last 2 times Mum (aged 93 with associated health issues for that age, but still living independently) has ended up with anxiety attacks & has phoned for an ambulance, she ended up in hospital once - both times I'm the one thats ended up with anxiety & guilt that I'm away - & essentially ruined my break (not blaming Mum, just saying thats how I've felt & the days away were then filled with concern)

So .... thats the back story & just recently I mentioned that I had some leave owing to me & thought I might go visit our wee granddaughter - well, the next time I saw her all she wanted to know was if I'd booked tickets/leave/etc, etc, when was I going. And I got a tiny bit cross!!

I have now booked everything & do go in just over 2 weeks - but overthinker I am, it would be just my luck that she does phone for an errand or something like the above happens, or one of my cousins (Facebook) tells her where I am - & I have to tell her. Firstly I know she'll be hurt - but I just need a break from the constant on-call stuff & want to have something thats just mine for a few days.

Selfish aren't I/ (sorry if I offend anyone, I keep telling myself how fortunate I am to still have her about but some times its a struggle too).
Thanks for reading, its a bit of a rant - but would you go without telling her?

[sandgrown]

The asking about your travel details does sound like she is getting anxious already so I wouldn’t tell her . Can one of the other siblings come to stay or be on call to give you a break? Has your mum any neighbours close enough to her to help in an emergency. Could you sign up for one of the emergency call services who would come and assess if your mum needs medical assistance. Enjoy your time with your grandchild.

[SierraSapphire]

Honestly, you're not selfish at all, exactly the opposite, it sounds and what I've been doing. I didn't go anywhere for nearly 3 years whilst looking after my mum and then I got cancer and realised I couldn't carry on putting my own needs last. if you can get away with it then yes definitely don't tell her, can you brief the rest of your family not to say anything as well? You matter too, though I know the feeling of however much you do it's never enough so you always leave feeling guilty. Enjoy your granddaughter and have a break from thinking about your mum's needs, and be guilted coming back by her anxiety.

[eenymeenymineymo]

Thanks @sandgrown and @Sierra for your comments.
Sadly the other siblings are #1 too far away & #2 not that bothered (the golden boy child too 🥴)
But you've firmed my resolve to just go.
No social media while I'm away, I'm not telling my sister either as I dont think she'd not be able to mention it. (She lives quite a distance from here but she & our Mum phone each other 3 or 4 times a week)

It isnt quite how I imagined these years with an elderly Mum, watching what I say, not oversharing any personal or health concerns as she just worries herself into a spin - so I'll just have to manage this the best I can in a way that works for me.

[Diplidocus4]

@eenymeenymineymo
Name change fail !

[TotteringByRosie]

Don't tell her. You need a lovely break.

[rookiemere]

Don't tell her - you're allowed to go and see your DGD.

I would however tell the other two siblings so they can be on standby for any emergencies. I don't know how far away they are, but could they not stay in your house for a few days when you go away so you could actually have some breaks.

[colouredball]

I stopped telling my Nanna I was going places. I used to enjoy sharing plans and stories with her but by the time she got to 93 she worried and became unsettled when I was away. It was easier to say nothing. I used to find time to visit her the day before I left and take up shopping, I also occasionally mentioned I was feeling a bit under the weather on these visits so if she did call me for something non urgent I could just say I had developed a virus. I would call her mid holiday just to ensure she was ok as well, that way it didn't raise suspicions.

You have to be a bit tactical but you should absolutely go and live your life

[rookiemere]

Oh sorry OP, I didn't see your update about the other siblings.
I'd still tell them, even if they live far away presumably they visit her sometimes so that could be coordinated with you taking a break somewhere else.

[EmotionalBlackmail]

I've stopped telling mine about any annual leave I've booked, whether going away or not! It just makes life easier for everyone.

Mine doesn't have anxiety about me going away, but thinks all my leave should be spent with her or doing things for her and I want to spend time with my DH and DD.

[PixiTime]

I don’t tell my mother when I go on holiday out of the UK anymore, though I will tell her if I am on holiday in England.

re. other relatives, it would be better if they did t know either maybe! Or you could tell them not to tell your mother because it will only stress her out (which is true). If they do let it slip, you can always tell your mother you didn’t want to worry her.

[PixiTime]

Oh I see your update other relatives don’t need to know either.

[Ishouldgodostuff]

well the holiday is done & dusted - I loved it all, had a great time. 6 year old grand-daughters are great fun :)
And yes username fail - duh!! above - nevermind

Just before I left I told Mum I couldnt see her the following weekend as I was going away for a few days (despite not going to initially as I had to consider the risk of dropping my DH into this too if she phoned to speak to me); she didnt acknowledge that & then changed the subject.
Since Ive been home Ive seen her twice & she hasnt asked at all.
So I've either petrified her into not asking me anything or she doesnt really care. Both of these quite sad in a way. But hey-ho!

She hasnt clicked either that I've been out & about more than usual even on work days - I've been on leave for the past 3 weeks, but back into it all tomorrow, yay.

I get that she is nearly 94 & has a few health concerns that are occupying her right now but she has also become so very fixated on a few topics & wont budge despite my assurances otherwise.

So your advice was good to hear for me to follow my instincts & minimise what I'm doing/telling her. We seem to have morphed into conversations about her neighbours & the weather.

[Iggleoggledaffy]

I’m glad you got away and had a good time. Don’t suppose you’re ever going to get your siblings to step up to make this easier?

your OP reminded me of someone I knew years ago. Her mother (similar age to yours) didn’t approve of foreign holidays - both came to the church I went to - so the daughter would say loudly “oh I’m off to Great Yarmouth/Blackpool/Torquay” and then mutter “Tenerife/Spain/Portugal”. It staggered me that in her sixties she was still doing this but I understand it a lot more now.