Adult siblings bullying DPs (late 70s)

[PenguinFlipper]

I don't have a great relationship with my parents, live a few hours drive away. Intermittent polite contact.

They are late 70s with a few health issues. Comfortably off.

My siblings are both late 40s, slightly chaotic lives, no careers/houses/savings/LT relationships. They are q similar to each other, don't speak to me (fine by me!).

My DPs have revealed my siblings are angling for £, i.e. see any money my parents have as theirs, and even have suggested siblings both move into their house, with my parents moving out! Siblings are difficult characters, possible MH issues, tend to explode at any hint of criticism, can be shouty, so I think my parents are a bit scared of them? Certainly don't ask any pointy questions like "why don't you get a proper job instead of waiting for an inheritance".

Think my parents are scared to lose contact or feel some obligation to not ask pointy questions. Any tips, or do I just stay out of it? Siblings bullied me when I was younger, hence NC, but what can I suggest to DPs now siblings have started on them?

[Yogatoga1]

having been through something very similar, you have a couple of options.

first is obviously do nothing and let it play out.

second is get a POA sorted for your parents so at least someone with their best interests will be able to sort money etc should the siblings start actively stealing or financially abusing them. It doesn’t have to be you, it can be a solicitor or any other adult of their choosing.

[MrsWoods]

@PenguinFlipper I don't have any constructive advice but watching the thread to see if anyone does. I am in a similar situation with my youngest sister who lives close to my parents and has, let's say, availed of their support enthusiatically over the years. Now they are getting old and needing help from her she is up in arms, resentful and raving about them signing everything over to her as she has been looking after them for all this time. My parents are appalled and a bit afraid of her, I think. I have never had a great relationship with any of my family and live in a different country so, on a practical level, can't help a lot. I worry that if I stand up to my sister or encourage them to, they will have no one and I will be blamed for causing a rift.

[PenguinFlipper]

@Yogatoga1 POAs already in place, but in the interest of fairness from DPs perspective, we're all on it! I have pointed out that it should be people you trust with either your health or money, but they are scared to rock the boat by taking them off I think.

[PenguinFlipper]

@MrsWoods yes definitely feel the same, I'm blamed for all the things going wrong even though I'm just not involved and deliberately live far away!

Which even makes saying anything tricky.

[PixiTime]

If you don’t have a great relationship with your parents why get involved? Did they protect you when you were bullied by your siblings? Do they think it’s fair to give money to your siblings but not to you? Why have they “revealed” the current situation to you but at the same time are not standing up for themselves?

Obviously it’s hard to gauge the back story here, but I’m not clear why your parents are putting it on you to fix, when you are the person who is least benefitting.

As regards inheritance (assuming there is any) are they going to be fair there or give it to the siblings they are “frightened of”. Maybe you want protect their finances so your siblings don’t get their grubby mitts afixed and exploit them further? OTOH, getting involved in all this could be very emotionally stressful and time consuming for you. If it were me I would consider whether it was worth my while getting involved at all. Alternatively you could do the minimum. If your parents are taking the easy way out and refuse to do any heavy lifting why should you?

[PixiTime]

Sorry if that came across a bit aggressive OP! I just don’t see what your parents expect you to do when they are of sound mind and have agency; it seems unfair to be putting this on you. Perhaps a very honest conversation with them might help. Also they could consider making you sole power of attorney (and in addition, you could also take sole control over all their financial affairs in the here and now to prevent future exploitation). However, they may not want this and, also, that is potentially a massive responsibility for you going forward and one which you may not wish to take on given your poor relationship with them.

[PenguinFlipper]

Thank you @PixiTime , am struggling with obligation I guess plus anger at them trying to get me to sort the mess out!

"Revealed" because though my parents don't usually talk to me, my mum had a health scare recently so maybe its starting to be on their mind.

Leaving them to it might well be best option to protect myself, thanks for making clear that as an option.

All a big codependency mess :(. Inheritance, my parents say its split equally, tho Ive not seen the will so who knows, I don't t want to own old family home with my siblings! And I don't want to live back in the house or city I grew up in, both grim.

If it's just me on POA or as executor I expect that'll go down like a bucket of sick with siblings also.

I think I will stay out of it as much as possible but if asked, be clear that my parents need independent advice on what to do.

[Poettree]

I don't know what to suggest on a practical level but I sympathise, given that they are explosive when challenged I don't know that there's much you can do without exposing yourself to further bullying/abuse. Your last sentence sounds very sensible to me.

[ParentChat]

I'm slightly in a similar mess. My brother, golden child, has been a mess in every decade in different ways.
His latest long term relationship has broken and my mum is now treating him like a vulnerable teen rather than a 50 year old functioning alcoholic with a gambling habit.
Everything, including the POA is split because apparently that is fair rather than leaving her vulnerable. But he's weddled so much cash already that there's unlikely to be much left if she needs care.
I encourage mum to talk to friends. Gossip about other locals with aged, disfunctional kids
. Get her to solicitors appointments, make a big show of respecting her independence in a modelling strong behaviour to cast shade on my fuckwit brother type way.
I've also been low contact but have stepped up a bit more. Try to have boundaries.

[PenguinFlipper]

@ParentChat sorry to hear you're in similar. I just can't understand my siblings, how cab they justify to themselves demanding cash? Just so odd. And sad. And I'm cross with my parents for enabling all this stuff but not wanting to sort it.

[Soonenough]

Would they consider having joint bank accounts with you or another trusted person ,ie some mechanism to prevent any cash withdrawals or transfers without some checks on it .

[PenguinFlipper]

@Soonenough I assume a joint account means either one can move money if they want? Tbh I have a busy life, kids, pets, work ft, hobbies etc.., I wouldn't want to have to take a call (parents don't do tech) every time they wanted to buy anything.

[DistinguishedSocialCommentator]

Op
With respect, your siblings could be saying the same about you and that you don't care.

As you know its the parents choice who they leave assets to, if any are left if they need to go into a care home

in situations like this there is never an easy answer or solution

Good luck

[PenguinFlipper]

@DistinguishedSocialCommentator yes, true. Not my circus, not my monkeys, not my money!

[DistinguishedSocialCommentator]

@PenguinFlipper

@DistinguishedSocialCommentator yes, true. Not my circus, not my monkeys, not my money!

Edited

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You are a credit to humanity and I wish there were more people like you.