Mum who has Alzheimer’s just been diagnosed with breast cancer.

[Silverumbrella]

I’ve just come back from the breast clinic with my dear 81 year old mum.

She has had Alzheimer’s for the last 6 years, she is bent over with osteoporosis and now the lump we discovered (have no idea how long it’s been there) has been scanned and biopsied and we have been told it is most likely BC.

We will have to wait 2 weeks to find what type it is but the consultant said it could either be one which is controlled by medication or one which will need surgery and harsher treatment. He even said to my mum (not that she fully understood) that it wouldn’t be in her best interest to have an op and go under stressful and harsh treatment.

I am obviously hoping amongst all hope it will come back as the former and not the latter but I’m dumbstruck tbh. My poor mum is so confused with this god awful dementia and bent over from her osteoporosis which causes her pain and now she has to deal with this. She was so good in the clinic, some of it was uncomfortable and painful for her but she didn’t complain just put up with it all. It was so bewildering for her and looked so little and old, bless her.

I know life is not fair but she is such a kind and gentle soul, she has been such a lovely mum to my sister and I. she doesn’t deserve this kind of beating from whoever/whatever it is that controls life. I know one does but she is such a lovely person.

I am so fucking angry and no idea what this will do to her. She (and us as a family) suffer enough with her dementia. This just about fucking tops it all.

[bluejelly]

I'm so sorry I have no useful advice but you have all my empathy- what a tough situation.

[Dearg]

So sorry, that’s really shit news for you. Best case, this becomes a cancer she can live with, and they can keep her comfortable for as long as possible.
💐 for you and your lovely mum.

[mrssunshinexxx]

Your post made me sob, I don't have any advise just wanted to say you sound like a fantastic daughter and she sounds like a wonderful Mother, and life can be utterly shit for some. Hugs to you x

[DPotter]

for you and your Mum.

[Silverumbrella]

Thank you bluejelly

Sorry I made you sob mrssunshinexxx, I don’t know why I posted tbh, I just wanted somewhere to rant. Thank you for your kind words x

Thank you Dearg I am keeping everything tightly crossed and praying it will be something medication can control 🤞

[Silverumbrella]

Thank you DPotter

[sophi1995]

I'm sorry OP, the way you describe your mother is lovely and I can really feel the love you have for her from reading your post.

[Upinthenightagain]

There’s a thread here worth some positive stories. Love to you and your mum xx https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4992604-just-diagnosed-with-breast-cancer-at-78-what-to-expect

[TabithaTwitchel]

Oh you poor thing. And your lovely mum. Brought tears to my eyes and I get it a little bit - my mum was very precious to me too.

Best case scenario will be hopefully be managing this without chemo etc - so keeping her comfortable basically. And it may be a very small blessing if she doesn't know tbh

[Silverumbrella]

I donadore her sophi1995, it hurts to watch her hurt.

Thanks TabithaTwitchel I did say to my dad it is the one (and the only) good thing about dementia because at least she has already forgotten she’d been to the breast clinic today.

Thank you Upinthenightagain I will take a good look at that thread.

[AnnaMagnani]

Am so sorry to hear about your mum.

At her age it is more likely to be a type that can be controlled with tablets.

If it isn't any treatment plan should take into account her understanding or lack of it, and your views of what your mum can actually manage.

[frecklejuice]

I'm so sorry, your poor Mum

My 76 year old Mum "just" has osteoporosis and it's awful seeing her in so much pain, sending you lots of love.

[Bonbonnes]

Im so sorry , your poor little Mum. I feel the same with my lovely Mum. What did she do to deserve this awful dementia.? And on top of that your mum’s got osteoporosis and now BC. The tablets for BC are fine in my experience tbf ( got that teeshirt myself , twice) ifingers tightly crossed that that’s all she’ll need.

[stayathomegardener]

Very hard on you to see your Mum so vulnerable.
My Mum at 89 has dementia and potential cancer (not in her best interests to investigate) keeping her comfortable is our main goal.

[Silverumbrella]

AnnaMagnani thank you. I am really hoping it will be the case with mum and she can keep it at bay with tablets. I got the impression, from the way the consultant was talking, that he felt it wouldn’t be in mum’s best interest to pursue a more vigorous treatment plan if it were more aggressive. I’ll try and have a word with him on my own when we go back.

Thank you frecklejuice, sorry your mum has osteoporosis. Horrible to see them in pain isn’t it?

Thank you so much Bonbonnes, that is encouraging and I do hope you are doing well?

stayathomegardener Sorry to hear that, it’s a horrible situation isn’t it? It really isn’t in their best interest to go through any harsh treatment is it? It’s bad enough they have to go through this awful dementia.

[Ohyeahwaitaminute]

Life is bloody cruel. It’s so hard to see someone you love so dearly suffering. I hear you.

I think you need to take one step at a time, and make the decision based on that. If she’s under any kind of geriatric consultant, get their thoughts on it. Or her GP too.

My DF had dementia for the last 8 years of his life. In that time, we discovered a heart defect, prostate cancer, kidney cancer and then bone cancer. It was an absolute shit show when I think about it. We - as a family- really went through the mill.

Meanwhile, DF pretty much gently sailed through it all… with no pre conceived ideas as to what the future held for him.

All I would say is that general anaesthetics did him no favours, and every time he had one, his dementia would increase.

He died 8 years ago, so we do now chuckle at just how ‘unbothered’ he was when we were so stressed and upset.

Deal with your thoughts at home, and try and be resolutely upbeat when with your DPs. Support your Dad and ensure that your DM lives her best pain free life. 💐💐💐

[Silverumbrella]

@Ohyeahwaitaminute

Life is bloody cruel. It’s so hard to see someone you love so dearly suffering. I hear you.

I think you need to take one step at a time, and make the decision based on that. If she’s under any kind of geriatric consultant, get their thoughts on it. Or her GP too.

My DF had dementia for the last 8 years of his life. In that time, we discovered a heart defect, prostate cancer, kidney cancer and then bone cancer. It was an absolute shit show when I think about it. We - as a family- really went through the mill.

Meanwhile, DF pretty much gently sailed through it all… with no pre conceived ideas as to what the future held for him.

All I would say is that general anaesthetics did him no favours, and every time he had one, his dementia would increase.

He died 8 years ago, so we do now chuckle at just how ‘unbothered’ he was when we were so stressed and upset.

Deal with your thoughts at home, and try and be resolutely upbeat when with your DPs. Support your Dad and ensure that your DM lives her best pain free life. 💐💐💐

Thank you.

Mum is in a state of total oblivion about it all, she won’t have even remembered attending the clinic yesterday and as you know from your FIL’s experience, that really isn’t a bad thing at all.

Sadly all the dementia services in our area have discharged all their ongoing patients (including mum) and referred back to the GPS to deal with (our GP has zero experience in dementia care and are pretty useless tbh) so will just have to wait to talk to the breast consultant in a few weeks.

I was aware GAs can exacerbate dementia so would definitely be loath to put mum through anything like that unless absolutely necessary.

[Bonbonnes]

@Silverumbrella

AnnaMagnani thank you. I am really hoping it will be the case with mum and she can keep it at bay with tablets. I got the impression, from the way the consultant was talking, that he felt it wouldn’t be in mum’s best interest to pursue a more vigorous treatment plan if it were more aggressive. I’ll try and have a word with him on my own when we go back.

Thank you frecklejuice, sorry your mum has osteoporosis. Horrible to see them in pain isn’t it?

Thank you so much Bonbonnes, that is encouraging and I do hope you are doing well?

stayathomegardener Sorry to hear that, it’s a horrible situation isn’t it? It really isn’t in their best interest to go through any harsh treatment is it? It’s bad enough they have to go through this awful dementia.

Edited

Yes thankyou 😊touch wood all fine( first time was as a young mum over 20 years ago second 7 years ago) I had the tablets and chemo etc etc.

I think the tablets are pretty effective tbh. Chemo is harder though even when you’re young xx

[Bonbonnes]

@Silverumbrella

Thank you.

Mum is in a state of total oblivion about it all, she won’t have even remembered attending the clinic yesterday and as you know from your FIL’s experience, that really isn’t a bad thing at all.

Sadly all the dementia services in our area have discharged all their ongoing patients (including mum) and referred back to the GPS to deal with (our GP has zero experience in dementia care and are pretty useless tbh) so will just have to wait to talk to the breast consultant in a few weeks.

I was aware GAs can exacerbate dementia so would definitely be loath to put mum through anything like that unless absolutely necessary.

It’s nice that she’s in a state of oblivion. At least she’s not worrying, Cancer is still such a scary word .

[Silverumbrella]

Good to hear you are doing well Bonbonnes

[RosesAndHellebores]

@Silverumbrella I mean this kindly. My grandma was almost 86 when she passed away with advanced alzheimers. She was 4.5 stone, had forgotten how to swallow, was doubly incontinent, had forgotten how to walk, had a vibrating bed to prevent bed sores. She lasted as long as she did for two reasons:

1. Mother and grandad visited daily, fed her (baby food towards the end), washed her, sang to her. It very nearly destroyed them.

2 She had no underlying health conditions and had been as strong as an ox until her early 70s.

In the kindest way, this may be a blessing. Not many people see advanced alzheimers. It is a terrible, terrible way to go.

[Silverumbrella]

@RosesAndHellebores

@Silverumbrella I mean this kindly. My grandma was almost 86 when she passed away with advanced alzheimers. She was 4.5 stone, had forgotten how to swallow, was doubly incontinent, had forgotten how to walk, had a vibrating bed to prevent bed sores. She lasted as long as she did for two reasons:

1. Mother and grandad visited daily, fed her (baby food towards the end), washed her, sang to her. It very nearly destroyed them.

2 She had no underlying health conditions and had been as strong as an ox until her early 70s.

In the kindest way, this may be a blessing. Not many people see advanced alzheimers. It is a terrible, terrible way to go.

I totally understand what you are saying.

I am a carer and I know what the end result of dementia looks like……it’s grim.

Terrible thing to say but as we have a history of strokes and heart disease in the family (mum also has heart disease and a pacemaker) I always hoped one of these would take her quickly.

My MIL has recently passed away from cancer and tbh, that was just as heartbreaking as watching someone go from dementia. Screaming in agony for someone to put her out of her misery was absolutely gut wrenching.

Terminal illness is a shit show whatever that disease may be 😢