Adrian Chiles on his dad dying

[tobee]

Just read this and a lot of it chimed for me even though both my parents are still alive at 88 & 87.

What he doesn't say is that a lot of the feelings, I tentatively suggest, are to do with the recognition that we will die too.

apple.news/Ap2Z9Ll8MTm2i7-863suIfg

From The Guardian

[tobyj]

God, I just read the Larkin poem that he links to. Not surprised he finds it hard to read now - it's very moving.

[SeeingRainbowsInTheGloom]

I read this earlier and was surprised how good the article was. Very sad.

[Seeingadistance]

Oh, that poem!

I'm swallowing hard and seem to have something in my eye.

[Xylophonics]

I read that yesterday and it chimed with me too, even though my dad is still alive.
My dad was born in the same year as his, and the bit bit about it being an event that you've tried for 40 years to prepare yourself for really resonated with me. I do feel like that.

[CallmePaul]

Both mine are gone now, its not the poem Chiles refers to, but I think Larkins 'they fuck you up your mum & dad' poem could be easily rephrased to 'it will fuck you up when you loose your mum & dad'

It's the natural order of things, particularly if they get to a fair age, but doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

[helpfulperson]

To some extent I agree but I'm also going to put a word in for the opposite. My Dad died in 2019 after 10 years of Alzheimers. He was content in a care home but no quantity of life. Over those 10 years I had grieved so gradually I barely noticed it. When he died I kept expecting to be hit with a wave of grief but four years later I am just thankful that he was well looked after, as happy as he could be and that he didn't have to live through COVID in a care home. In some ways it all feels like a natural progression of getting old and passing on.

How you react after a death is so individual and nothing is right or wrong.

[Sparticle]

My dad died unexpectedly three years ago and I found Adrian Chiles' article spot on. I sent it to my mum too and she thought the same - in fact she said that she has only ever seen two dead bodies in her life, her own mum and my dad. So it's interesting how we don't really see them in real life very much (obviously other cultures are completely different).

As an aside, I can't stand the phrase 'passed' - I've always made the point of sting that my dad has died. Death is something we all face, even if we understandably don't want to think about it.

[Oneearringlost]

My dad was a vicar. He was a hugely dignified man. But I remember him saying to me, "I'm dying".
I think, even he, in that moment, was frightened.

I'm a nurse, I've seen many, many different iterations of death. Violent, frenzied, unexpected, peaceful. And dealt with raw grief. I've laid out hundreds of bodies in 40 years of practice.
But nothing, nothing, prepares one for the loss of a parent ( where it has been a good, nurturing relationship ).

I watched my unresponsive father for 2 days; but knew the instant he died. Nothing to do with having witnessed death before. His soul simply vacated his living body.
I miss him daily, acutely, sometimes. He died in 2011.
I wrote and spoke the eulogy. To anyone going through this, I would say it was a healing and wonderful privilege to be able to do it and to do it if you can.
He had his funeral in the church I grew up in. I treated it as my playground and suddenly I was back there, with his coffin in front of me, where, as a child I was there whilst he was in the vestry and I was stealing the communion wafers.
Thoughts to AC and to everyone else in this place.

[Oneearringlost]

@Sparticle...spot on there.
"As an aside, I can't stand the phrase 'passed' - I've always made the point of sting that my dad has died. Death is something we all face, even if we understandably don't want to think about it."

[lljkk]

I don't relate. I can't understand AC's reaction.
Not saying he's wrong, only that I can't get it.
When my mom died "suddenly" and "young" of a heart attack, it had been obvious to me for months or maybe years before, the trajectory she was on. I couldn't be devastated by it. I was baffled by the people who were surprised at my mother's death.
I expect death constantly, everywhere, maybe. Focus on quality not quantity.

[ellyo]

That picture of Adrian and his dad is so moving. His little face seems to radiate everything you would ever want your children to feel about you; joy, comfort, pride. I'm crying just looking at it!

[tobee]

Just wanted to say I've just been reading all your replies and all are very interesting, thank you for sharing them.

I agree about saying died rather than passed away which seems a further distancing euphemism when we're already quite distanced. But probably I'm in the minority these days.!

[PatMu]

Wow that article hit hard as my dad died only 6 weeks ago. I'm from a culture where we are exposed to death from a young age and all my life (Irish) and it still hits differently when it's your own beloved dad dying. He was sick, it was a relief and release for him, it's still bloody hard^^

@Oneearringlost this is so true

I watched my unresponsive father for 2 days; but knew the instant he died. Nothing to do with having witnessed death before. His soul simply vacated his living body.

[MintyCedric]

I wasn’t with my Dad when he died but having been with my Nan-in-law I expected to be fairly unfazed when we visited him in the funeral home.

I also expected my mum to be a hysterical mess…I couldn’t have been more wrong.

They opened the door and I managed two steps inside and just got a glimpse of his face before running out of the room screaming ‘that’s not my dad’.

My mum found the visit so comforting she went back twice more.

I had a closed coffin visit the day before the funeral and when mum goes I absolutely will not be putting myself through that again.