Elderly mum, not sure what to do any more

[Cherony]

Widowed Mum is in her early 80s. She is totally compos mentis, still very sharp, but physically she is rapidly deteriorating but unwilling to accept this. She keeps having falls because she will not accept that she can no longer do things like stand on the step ladder to retrieve things from high shelves, or carry heavy bags of compost across the garden. This is the third time now in as many months she's had to call an ambulance out because she's fallen over.

i live a 4 hour drive away from her (she used to live nearer but she and my Dad moved just after they retired, and he died not long after that) and she has refused to move any nearer me and I cannot move any nearer her as cannot uproot my own kids who are at school and nearing exam age. I have one brother but he lives abroad and has a severely disabled child he cares for so can't really provide help. I am a single parent myself. Mum is a bit of a recluse and has no real friends and no relationship with her neighbours. She totally refuses anyone coming in to help. She won't even allow me to get her a cleaner or someone to do the gardening.

What can I do? I'm at my wits end if truth be told. She simply won't accept help.

You can't do anything. It is difficult, but she is an adult.

Thought I'd give you a helpful bump.
Can't really advise - we lived close to our (now deceased) parents and had similar problems. It ended up being a full time job keeping their show on the road!).
Are there any befriending groups nearby who could check in on her? And provide prompts to get more help? Obviously the first meeting would have to be with you around?
It might help if your told
Us where your mum
Is. Someone might be plugged into that area

It's very difficult isn't it? X

So in this situation if she has capacity she is allowed not to accept help.

Usually what happens is that there is some kind of crisis - she falls and breaks a hip and is admitted to hospital and then she has to accept she cannot manage on her own.

It takes some longer than others - my grandma went home from hospital with a Zimmer frame after a fall and lasted a week on her own before she admitted she couldn't cope.

In situations where she is deemed not to have capacity - so for example maybe she gets dementia and no longer understands the consequences of her decisions - then decisions can be made for her but it can still be difficult if she will not accept them.

There is a good range of technology available now which may help.
You can obviously get things like falls detectors (the wrist ones that look like watches are good)

You can get discreet monitors to stick around the house (you log in online and it shows movement around the house) for reassurance mainly.

Even a kettle monitor so you know they are ok and sticking to normal routine.

It will depend if she will agree to any of it of course.
I agree that it will likely end in some kind of crisis which is often the case sadly.

Maybe contact adult social care with her agreement to talk about equipment and telecare options.

If she has capacity there is very little you can do for her, it’s up to her what she will accept. I agree though that you often need something disastrous to happen before they realise they need to accept outside help.
Unfortunately if you always rush to be there she will never accept other people, my Mum was the same and it was really, really hard to say no to her but I just couldn’t always be there with a job, family and all the other commitments and given that you live 4 hours away it’s just impossible.
I would suggest that you sit with her and explain it from your point of view and hope that if she is totally with it she understands. Say you just can’t be there all the time at the drop of a hat and if she won’t move closer to you she needs to sort the problems out herself when they unexpectedly arise, don’t even consider uprooting your own family.
Sadly older people do sometimes become quite selfish but if you help her find a good flexible care agency and possibly see if she would qualify for Attendance Allowance to help pay for it, you are doing your very best.

Sounds like she would benefit from a referral to the fall clinic.

Is she injuring herself when she falls? Is she calling the ambulance because of injuries of just to help her get back up? Does she know how to get herself back up?

I completely sympathise, OP. I'm in the exact same position with my mum, it is so frustrating and worrying. Sorry, I have no helpful advice, just solidarity!

And me three! Except we are a few years and a few crises further down the line, carers cancelled (twice) care homes left (three times). I save my breath now because no amount of begging and explaining makes any difference. But it is a scary, sad and very trying phase. Good luck OP and cloudjumper 💐💐.

After much discussion & putting off over several years, finally got my mum to move closer, tbh I think the self induced stess of all the move & selling & buying houses shortened her life, she had 18 months after the move until an out if the blue end.

It was a good but short period & I could easily do all those round the house & fixing stuff things for her, I'm so so so glad she did it & when it all went horrible at the end I was close & there for the very end, not pleasant, but so glad I was able to.

Most local councils will have an alarm system where she can call them instead of the ambulance service if she just needs help to get up. It is hard when you can see that she shouldn't be doing these things but I'm sure when I'm 80 I'll still be trying to be that independant.

Even better is when the hospital thinks they probably have dementia...but diagnosis can't be made in hospital, nor do records get shared with GPS unless the patient agrees. So we've got an elderly parent refusing any care, driving around etc with quite possible dementia and half the time doesn't even know where they are or what day it is and is utterly paranoid about things. Madness. Hope it works out for you, OP

The alarm system doesn’t have anyone to help getting up. Our council’s alarm system simply rings round the family.

Most Council alarm systems link in to your landline. That will be interesting over the next couple of years.

‘She is totally compos mentis’ ….so maybe she is not unhappy? Not everyone wants society or human companionship.

The falls clinic sounds like a good suggestion, if it can be couched as something to help her maintain her current lifestyle. Quite often better footware is a help as it makes you more stable ( experience speaks).

you don’t have to feel guilty, OP. It’s not your choice or unwillingness that is to blame.

She is unhappy. She talks all the time about how lonely she is and how much it upsets her that she keeps falling. Yet will not accept help or companionship from others.

Is there anywhere near you that she could live? Are there friendship groups she could attend? I can think of three near where I live - it might be the same where you are. Which doctors and hospitals might be available? Can you give her a vision of life somewhere other than her current home?

is she claiming attendance allowance- very low threshold at the lower rate
Once you get the £60 ish a week then easier to start a conversation about you need to be spending this money on support- the government thinks that you need a bit of help etc

if she won't accept help, there's nothing you can do.

All I can suggest is that when you talk with her, you don't offer help, you don't suggest that she do anything like go to her GP/falls clinic. Couch everything as questions. Make it clear that any 'solutions' are coming from her - she won't accept help, I doubt she'll accept suggestions either. So, don't say 'you could get a cleaner/gardener/appointment with the falls clinic'. Instead, ask her open questions. 'What do you think would help with the loneliness?' or 'What do you think causes you to fall?'. Really, really open questions, no attempts to nudge her in any direction. Just try to hope that the drip drip drip will push her to think about what she actually wants and how SHE will achieve that. She won't accept any ideas from you. The best you can hope for is that she's accept an idea from herself.

It sucks.