Hi all.. just looking to vent/seek advice…
76 year old Mum, has been increasingly unwell for a number of years. Last year she decided she’s had enough and wanted to die. Obviously we couldn’t do anything about that, so she rallied on until July when she attempted an OD on sleeping tablets. She was taken to hospital and my siblings and I experienced a feeling of despair and hope… I don’t want her to go but I want her to no longer suffer.
Constant medical issues since then has led to her no longer eating “real food” as of Xmas time. She currently lives on 3-4 rich tea biscuits once or twice a day, a cup of tea and a coffee. Not much water. Our GP has been lovely and understands Mum is edging towards end of life. Mum told us she is going to stop eating - whcih she did, for 5 days. We were on tenterhooks wondering if this is actually happening, shipped our brother over from Sweden and told family that Mum is possibly going to die soon..
since she’s been given liquid morphine, she Has rallied - eating again, although still just biscuits… but Mum now needs 24 hour care. She needs help moving around, keeping on top of her meds etc. my brother and sis and I are all swapping shifts, sleeping on the sofa, giving each other breaks. It’s hard but it’s working.
but everything is on pause. My sister and I are signed off sick, im living between my Mums and my sisters having left my boyfriend and dogs at home. my brother has his daughter with him who is missing school back in Sweden. Mum isn’t even incontinent and it’s not even “that difficult” yet…
but I’m already feeling like I’m not going to cope, or how long can I do this for? We’re all frazzled. We thought Mum was going to die and now it seems as though Mum will be with us for a lot longer than we expected.
i don’t even know what I want from this thread… I am just completely at a loss. I’ve been expecting Mum to die for over a year, one way or another…. Fight or flight mode, every day. But now I have totally paused and I feel like I’m just waiting and it’s a horrific feeling.
Elderly parents
Between Life and Death
Marg2024 · 15/03/2024 15:30
Skiphopbump · 15/03/2024 15:34
That sounds really draining for everyone involved.
Does your mum have a consultant over looking her care?
Ihatethenewlook · 15/03/2024 15:35
You need to ‘unpause’ op. As a carer I can confidently tell you that your mum can exist for years like this. Can you accept that this very well maybe nowhere near the end and possibly arrange support for her?
CharmedCult · 15/03/2024 15:38
I really don’t mean this flippantly and I don’t know much about the process but - can she afford to go to Dignitas? Is that something the family would support?
PermanentTemporary · 15/03/2024 16:04
What a terrifying situation to be in.
They will have done this bit perhaps it needs doing again.. It sounds as if the GP or the palliative care team urgently needs to refer her to the older adults mental health team, or to clinical psychology within the palliative care team. As a family you need to scream for help to the hospice social worker.
Ihatethenewlook · 15/03/2024 15:35
You need to ‘unpause’ op. As a carer I can confidently tell you that your mum can exist for years like this. Can you accept that this very well maybe nowhere near the end and possibly arrange support for her?
Skiphopbump · 15/03/2024 16:07
I don’t anything about your mums situation other than what your written. 76 seems a young age to give up but of course it depends on her diagnoses.
Is there any chance of improvement for your mum, for example meal replacement drinks for added nutrition.
Could you ask for a referral to a care of the elderly dr.
Ive just read your updates stating that she’s housebound and breathless. I still think she needs an assessment to see what can be done to make her more comfortable.
Orangebadger · 15/03/2024 16:12
This. My mum has been teetering on the edge for years. I have also seen it as an HCP. It's very very difficult but you cannot all put your lives on hold as you really do not know what the future holds, or more precisely when.
Ihatethenewlook · 15/03/2024 15:35
You need to ‘unpause’ op. As a carer I can confidently tell you that your mum can exist for years like this. Can you accept that this very well maybe nowhere near the end and possibly arrange support for her?
Lifestooshort71 · 15/03/2024 16:22
Sounds very grim for you all. Do you think (if she's totally set on giving up) that VSED would be worth discussing? It's done under medical supervision so I don't know if it's worth chatting to her gp about?
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