How to make friends

[Amalienborg]

Looking for advice on how to help my elderly mother make meaningful new friendships.

My mum is really lonely, and has come to rely on me for the majority of her social life, which I find really draining and stressful.

She's coming up for 80, though seems younger. She's alone now after losing my dad a couple of years ago.
She has a few friends, but they are all still in a couple, so socialising is limited with the friends alone, or otherwise friends and husbands come along and mum is the only one on her own, which she hates.
She's joined groups (one exercise, one hobby) and has participated for a year but no friendships seem to have come from that. Likewise she took up a volunteering role. With these activities, every is friendly, but no one wants to meet outside of the activity.
I signed her up to the meetup website but there virtually nothing happening local to her.

She's completely lost all confidence so wouldn't even contemplate a day out alone let alone a solo holiday.

How do older people make new friends?

I'd love to connect her with a few, perhaps in the same situation, for days out together and an occasional holiday.

In my area, the best thing to join is the U3A as there are so many groups within it. Looking at the website for our very small town, you can be doing something every week day morning and afternoon and they have specific Members On Their Own groups as well. I'd say things like Knit and Natter, craft, or book groups are going to be best for really connecting with people - you need something where chatting is part of the meeting rather than turning up doing something and then going

I’ve seen a suggestion that it takes at least 50 hours of shared time to go from acquaintance to friend. So don’t give up yet. Keep an active social life going even if it is group activities with acquaintances. A social life doesn’t have to be spent with friends.

My father (at 86) threw himself into voluntary work, which brought him acquaintances, goodwill, occupied his time, and giving him a sense that he was useful. He also started going to chapel, and met a bloke who was glad to chat over coffee to get away from the grandchildren talk. They started going to lectures together, and a friendship was born.

Unless she is staunchly atheist, church or chapel isn’t a bad idea. Choose on the basis of post-service coffee.

It may well be time to tap into special events laid on for the elderly, from lunch clubs to coach trips to Blackpool.

you need something where chatting is part of the meeting rather than turning up doing something and then going Yes, that’s why I focus my volunteering on things where I can be part of the management team - much more chatting. Every voluntary group in the country has a secretary or a treasurer desperate to hand over to someone else

U3A is very popular around here. Lots of different things with smaller groups, like lunch, wine, walking, local history etc.

WI? Ramblers? Definitely u3a

In my area a walking group runs through the U3A.
Also a local theatre has started running a theatre club where ppl who are on their own can meet up as a group .

I had not heard of U3A but I've looked it up and in theory sounds great, in practice it doesn't look like much is going on in my mothers local area, but definitely worth a try.

Walking groups/rambling not ideal as although she is fit for an almost-80 yr old she still has a limit of around 30 minutes for walking and groups tend to go longer, or at least the ones I've seen do.

Church groups not a bad idea, although not religious I think she would get more into a community spirit there.

Thanks for the ideas!

Worth calling the Age UK helpline for advice?

I'd suggest trying any 'health walks' locally.

Or could she perhaps start a 'short walks to a cafe' group??

Could she join a choir? I joined one with my mum it’s a big one with no auditions and they sing for charity in different places so lots of outings and people giving each other lifts to and from etc . Sadly mum’s dementia has progressed too far now for her to benefit but it would have been great if not.
could she get a little dog ? You always meet people walking your dog ! And it’s company in itself.

Ps What about the woman’s institute ? A daytime one would have older members i think ?

In our area there is knit and natter at the library, local WI and our local church has a Saturday table top sale with meet and greet (including bacon sandwiches) once a month. All are very friendly and have a variety of ages so you could go along with your mum until she settles.
Might there be similar things near you?

No, not a dog unless it's something she really wants. They need a lot of training, and they are sentient beings, not a means to an end.

But she could always walk in dog walking areas and admire dogs that she meets. Dog walkers don't reserve their friendship purely for those who have dogs.