Elderly mother abusive

[kitz90]

Please can someone share practical advice about how to deal with this.

My elderly mother is psychologically abusing my dad. They are in their 80s. She rants at him for hours on end, sends him abusive messages, hides things, tears up important documents, yells at him. I could go on.

I tried to speak to her Dr but they said they can only look at doing an assessment or review of my mum if she agrees.

With dementia can a person be in control of their behaviour? My mum rants vile abuse at my dad then goes off to church, acts all lovely, then returns and kicks off again. When she is screaming at him he believes she has control and is somewhat enjoying it. Is this really a part of dementia?

She has always been a difficult character. I’ve been in therapy for almost a year now as a result of childhood neglect (I’m a grown adult in my forties).

Should I go back to the GP or is this a matter for adult social care? I suppose I am looking for guidance about what might happen if I report concerns.

I have suggested to my dad that he takes himself off for a while (hotel, bit of respite) in the hope that his absence might shock her into stopping but I don’t know if this could make things a lot worse in the long run.

[Acornsoup]

This statement tells you it's abuse not dementia: With dementia can a person be in control of their behaviour? My mum rants vile abuse at my dad then goes off to church, acts all lovely, then returns and kicks off again. When she is screaming at him he believes she has control and is somewhat enjoying it. Is this really a part of dementia?

Your poor Dad.

[cerisepanther73]

The fact your mother has allways been a difficult tricky character too contend with too,

Cause of her age people will mistakenly think it's Dementia classic sign of,

She sounds like a nasty character sorry you have this kind of shit to deal with

That's a good idea for your father to have a break from her,

he needs to see if he could get into do hobbies interests groups

What about that university of 3rd Age i think it's called ?
Or
the
Universal 3rd Age group?
Do plenty of stuff activities with that

so will have extra opportunities to escape from that craziness 🤪 back at 🏡 home...

[Ilovethewild]

Would your Dad tell anyone about this abuse?

I suggest you contacting adult services about the abuse of your dad, and remind him her behaviour is not ok.

your Dad needs safeguarding from this behaviour, initially it would involve social worker contacting him to discuss and maybe visiting him.

what does Dad want? He is an adult but he is vulnerable considering his age. Look on your councils website for adult services or safeguarding to see options.

you can also speak to Age UK (assuming you are in UK), or Elder Abuse organisations

[Yogatoga1]

Can you help your dad? Help him move out, get away from it?

mil was in a similar situation, unfortunately we didn’t realise the extent until very late- as well as the verbal “disagreements”, there was also financial control so she couldn’t have escaped if she wanted to. Hell she couldn’t even call a cab to come visit us.

she did visit us alone and we grabbed the opportunity to sort out her banking etc and get control back. She never went back to him.

ask him for a visit and gently see what he thinks? We will always regret we didn’t intervene much sooner, but it is so hard to actually acknowledge certain behaviours as abuse.

[Charlingspont]

If she's anything like my mother, if he goes away, she will try to stop him coming back to his own home.

What does your dad feel about her? Does he want to separate? Or does he love her still?

[Blackcats7]

A freind has a similar situation but it’s her dad who is horrible to her mum.
He has always been a nasty, lazy and selfish man but has got much worse for the past two years. He has physical health problems but is assessed as independent because he is fine in front of health professionals whilst in hospital but a nightmare at home who doesn’t help himself at all. He was seen by the memory clinic so think he has the start of dementia but he can definitely turn his nasty ways on and off.
I have suggested secretly videoing him and taking before and after photos of how he breaks things and wrecks the house.
My friend is having an awful time trying to help her poor mum as social services and the nhs send her to and fro like a ping pong ball as each deny responsibility and say the other should help.
Hard to know what else can be done to get this sort of situation taken seriously.

[Albless]

I'm a parish minister, and have a similar woman in my congregation - she is widowed though, so not the same person. You mention your DM attends church - you might want to have a chat with the minister/priest there. They probably have a better idea than you think of what kind of person your DM is, but maybe not that she is actively abusing your DF.

The Church might be able to do several things - including contacting Social Services and GP, as well as actively working to support your DF.

[ilovebreadsauce]

My mum was a bit like this before she went on sertraline.Might be worth talking to your mum about how she is feeling?

[ilovebreadsauce]

I think you might want to also speak to your dad about what he wants to happen.if ss become interested in safeguarding your dad, things might move in a direction you don't want

[kitz90]

Thanks everyone for replying. I’m at my wits end on his behalf. I’ll speak to him before doing anything. The marriage has been loveless for as long as I can remember. I suspect he’s embarrassed to involve anyone. He said to me earlier he doesn’t think anyone would believe him because he’s a man.

I don’t know for sure but I think my mum is trying to push every button so that he lashes out and she can then claim she’s the victim. She’s clearly got mental health issues going on but I can’t help but feel at the core she’s just a bully.