Anyone Taken a Step Back?

[poppydaffs]

Hi. Looking for some advice or wondering if any of you in a similar situation have taken a step back.

Bit of background - not a great upbringing and I should have cut ties with my parent a long time.

Parent has Alzhiemer's and because other family members can't or won't do much to help I have been doing all the sorting out.

I've put carers in place, got POA etc but I work full time and have to sort out lots of other stuff - house maintenance, shopping etc.

I've got to the point where I don't have time to do all this. I have been overwhelmed and depressed and just don't want to do all this anymore. I've thought of moving away. Have any of you walked away from it all? It's really affecting my mental health

[TheMintHam]

Sorry to hear, sounds like a very difficult position to be in. I can only speak from my experience- I also had a difficult childhood, and should have cut contact a long time ago. I had to recognise that I was I no good to anyone if I wasn’t looking after myself. Caring for people who made my life miserable and who never really supported me in any meaningful way when I truly needed them did not compute for me. I have since decided to leave it the rest of my family to sort out. I was honest with family as to why, it was a bit difficult to talk about but they understood.

[StopItMildred]

Hi OP. I haven’t ‘walked away’ for a couple of reasons which I don’t want to go into online. BUT I have recently stepped back and reduced contact. I do live far quite far away but I would still keep the same low contact even if I lived closer.

I feel so much better for it. I too did a lot of admin and household stuff (but not cleaning or personal care) and found it stressful and exhausting. Now (apart from online shopping) I will only do very important and urgent things. Like you, my mother was a problematic mother.

I see her less and I call her less - and see the change in me. She doesn’t have Alzheimer’s and is fully cognitive, if physically frail.

The problem is everyone is so different and circumstances are different. LC, NC or VLC, grey rock or yellow rock, all depends on you. Even low contact can mean different things to different people. For some low contact is a telephone call once a week, for others once every couple of months. Whatever you choose to do can only be what feels right for you in your circumstances, and what other people think is irrelevant. I hope you find what works for you, you can do it.

[everythingisgoingup]

poppydaffs
Thanks for starting this thread, I am going to watch it with interest.

DM recently diagnosed with cancer and both parents making demands.

I want to draw some lines ☹️

[SheepAndSword]

It really impacts doesn't it, I feel for you. Everyone always says to detach but it's not always that simple. Is she in a care home?

[MariaVT65]

Take a step back.

I also would never want my own kids to feel burnt out due to looking after me.

[SierraSapphire]

Yes! I had to step back because I got cancer, it made me really re-evaluate things. my DM refuses to get a carer (a historical thing, not a current cognitive issue, and it left me in chaos a few years ago when she broke her hip and left me to look after my disabled father) and her memory is getting worse and worse. I do some things for her, but I definitely can't do everything that she needs doing. I feel terrible leaving her in semi-chaos with things that I know she won't cope with, but I can't make up for her choices. In an ideal world I would do more for her, but my happiness and wellbeing is important, before I was ill, I was sacrificing these for her and did pretty much nothing enjoyable for myself. I also had a crap childhood.

[poppydaffs]

@SierraSapphire - I hope you are OK. I am actually having some tests done soon and I if I do have a fairly serious illness I will have to step back

[SierraSapphire]

Yes, hopefully I'm completely recovered, but you never know, so it's why I'm doing everything I can to be healthy! It seems to be a bit of a theme, though, amongst those of us who've had cancer and are looking after elderly parents, that the parents do not seem to be able to process that we have needs! Fingers crossed for your health, whether it's a false alarm or not, it is a signal to prioritise yourself more.

[Edinlassy]

yip I did. Frail elderly father with advanced Parkinson’s and dementia. Hoist lifted and spoon fed was the stage I stepped back. I ran myself ragged trying to help and however much I done it wasn’t enough. Finally convinced my mum to get Carer’s help. She applied for the funding to employ her own carer. Got it and then said her friend was the carer and they split the money 50/50 without her friend doing any caring. Never stopped her complaining she got no help. Made me sick.
Fast forward 8 years dad is done and mum is In an extremely vulnerable state with carers 4 times a day. She blocks the door so they can’t get in and shouts at them to F off. I am stuck in a never ending cycle I can’t get out of and some days just want to run away. Step back while you can and don’t feel a moments guilt x

[SloaneStreetVandal]

My Dad is widowed, and I love him to pieces (and I loved my late Mum just the same). He has a degenerative condition similar to Parkinson's. He has care at home (owns his home) and I do his shopping and organising. I took a step back a few months ago though, instead of visiting most days I now visit twice a week. Its proven to be a very good decision, and I have felt the benefit. My Dad has always been incredibly grateful, I can't imagine how difficult it must be when the parent isnt appreciative 😔

If you're feeling the desire to step back, then it means you need to step back. Listen to what your body/mind is telling you. Don't overthink it, just decide how stepping back looks for you personally, and then put it in to practice.

[everythingisgoingup]

Interesting to read your post sloanestreetvandal

My parents situation has changed dramatically in the last two weeks (unexpected terminal diagnosis for Mum) and seeing future with Dad only.

Trying not to visit every day, but Mum still in hospital. I am getting Dad skilled up (never cooked or done washing before) and some help with cleaning before Mum is discharged.

Only child too so pressured!

Trying to keep some boundaries 😉

Guilt is the worst 🙁

[SloaneStreetVandal]

My compassion to you @everythingisgoingup, because hearing that diagnosis is hard. My Mum was given just months, she was still with us though for almost 2 years post diagnosis. The final months were very hard going, hopefully you have support for you (my husband and daughter got me through). But yes, I would encourage you to stick to your boundaries, and look after your own wellbeing (its vital).
Guilt is part and parcel of being a good soul! People with big hearts sway between thinking they're doing too much and worrying they've not done enough!

[everythingisgoingup]

Thanks sloanestreetvandal

I agree about guilt, how is it possible not yo feel guilty? (Rhetorical question really 😉)

I have a tricky relationship with them both, neither really involved with my children (their grandchildren) much beyond giving money 🙁

They have been phoning every day despite rarely phoning prior to hospital admission.

Trying to put boundaries in place however I do worry about their wellbeing. Dad has given up cooking for himself after 2/3 days (never cooked before hospital admission of Mum) and moaning today he has not been out! (I offered to take him to see Mum at the weekend but he didn't want to go 'what is the point?' Says he 🤷‍♀️)

I could go on 🙄

Trying to support my son with his GCSE's too!

DH and I going to the cinema tonight 🥰

Had enough ☹️