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Elderly parents

What time shall we leave her house (the latest)?

19 replies

myloveislikewow · 10/05/2023 18:04

As title says, if we or her neighbour visit my mother?

My mum just turned 90 last week
Has dementia -alzheimers and cardiovascular
Lives on her own (she doesn't live with us but nearby, so we vist her during the day, every single day). She can dress, shower that kind of stuff on her own for now, but very muddled when she speaks.

We provide her only decaf tea/coffee not to disturb her sleep at night as sometimes she seems to wake up in the middle of the night thinking it's a very very dark day.. or simply can't sleep, it seems.
*we've installed security cams in her house thus we know what's going on.

She's just come back from respite recently so I don't want to spoil the healthy routine she probably had while staying there, so we haven't really visited her later in the afternoon at all, as we don't want to stimulate her too much around that time onwards. I know each person is different but what do you think? also if she did NOT have dementia what time is the limit?? Thaks for reading xx

OP posts:
WeeOrcadian · 10/05/2023 18:41

What time does she eat?

Clymene · 10/05/2023 18:45

Have you asked what her routine was in respite?

MereDintofPandiculation · 11/05/2023 09:23

I think you might be overthinking. If you want to maintain routine, try to visit the same time each day, eg late afternoon and set her tea out nicely before you go.

You could look at a dementia clock - one which displays the time of day, morning/afternoon/evening/night. Or the really simplistic ones with a background that changes from light blue to dark

myloveislikewow · 13/05/2023 14:40

@WeeOrcadian she eats little by little throughout the day, but in the evening she usally has her evening meal around 5 or 6 pm (sometimes around 7pm but noften), then usually see her goes upstairs (her bedroom) around 7:30-8pm

OP posts:
myloveislikewow · 13/05/2023 14:41

@Clymene Not yet. we are going to have a small chat with the carehome manager to get feeback.

OP posts:
myloveislikewow · 13/05/2023 14:58

@MereDintofPandiculation I guess I am overthinking. but if her sleep is bad, she will wet her pyjama bottom and bed sheet. (we've put waterproof bed pad, also she wears incontinence pants at night though)

Sadly she can't read the clock anymore.. previousy we bought her one of those digital clock (looks like an ipad) but now she just hang her face mask on there..

But the clock you are talking looks ideal (Sun and Moon Dementia clock?) we shall give it a try.

OP posts:
IWantRebeccasConfidence · 13/05/2023 15:03

It sounds in the nicest possible way that she needs to be in a care home with full time carers?

IWantRebeccasConfidence · 13/05/2023 15:04

If she can no longer read a clock have you done things like disconnect the gas hob if she has one?

CindersAgain · 13/05/2023 15:06

What does she do for dinner? To answer your question, I’d probably set her up with dinner and then go, but if she can’t tell the time etc it doesn’t really sound like she can manage on her own.

myloveislikewow · 14/05/2023 09:52

@IWantRebeccasConfidence luckily her hob and oven broke some time ago, since then we've been just using microwave, toaster, kettle. we live like 10minutes away so we always bring her
fresh food.

We are looking some "extra care housing" since she can wash herself and dress and make bed, (even puts makeup on..), trim her nails. make tea, make toast.

So, a bit too early for care home with full time care it seems. but we know we'll need to move here there eventually.

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 14/05/2023 09:55

I wouldn't leave her alone. She needs to be in a care home. At thus rate she's going to have a fall and it will finish her off. Can you look into equity release for at home overnight care?

ZenNudist · 14/05/2023 09:55

Ah x post sorry

myloveislikewow · 14/05/2023 09:59

Oh, back to my original question. what time is appropriate for her neighbours to visit in the afternoon/evening? and how long? 😅

OP posts:
myloveislikewow · 14/05/2023 10:23

@ZenNudist I didn't even think of "equity release for at home overnight care" so thanks for mentioning!

OP posts:
SacreBlue · 14/05/2023 10:24

When visiting a relative not quite as old but with greater mobility issues I stay until just before sundown (winter months) or 7.30pm in longer daylight months

For an older relative only until about 4pm, both however have carers coming in to do bedtime routine afterwards around 9pmish and also morning/lunchtime

Some sort of fold situation, like you are already trying to set up for your relative, sounds like a good idea, or if your relative is getting substantially more affected by dementia, a specialist elderly mentally infirm (EMI) full care home.

It is v difficult as some can thrive in folds/care homes with more people about, more stimulus, more assistance, while others go downhill when removed from their own familiar home setting, so it’s a lot to do with their individual care needs and personality.

If you live so close and are already visiting daily then perhaps seeking carers to come into her home would allow her to retain what independence she has for as long as possible.

Adding some water in plastic cup with lipped lid, maybe a biscuit or something, and a commode to her bedroom might also help if she wakes at night.

Dementia clock also sounds like a good idea too to help her differentiate between night/day.

I’m not an expert/professional at all though so asking for a care assessment from social worker could also be a good bet.

hatgirl · 14/05/2023 10:33

myloveislikewow · 14/05/2023 10:23

@ZenNudist I didn't even think of "equity release for at home overnight care" so thanks for mentioning!

Absolutely do not do this. Equity release is nearly always a very bad idea and for situations like care there are many options before live in care that could be used.

it's very normal for people with dementia to be up through the night, it's nothing to do with coffee or what time people visit in the afternoon, it's a common symptom of the disease as is 'sundowning' where people with dementia experience a lot of confusion in the latter part of the day.

tailinthejam · 14/05/2023 10:38

Perhaps ask for a care needs assessment, because she could probably do with carers coming in at least once daily now. She's not really safe to be left on her own for long, especially not with a microwave in the building (speaking from recent experience of elderly relative trying to heat something, putting it in for far too long and nearly setting the house on fire!).

Ariela · 14/05/2023 10:47

I think it depends on how well she is, as to how tired she will get. And the more tired, the worse she'll be affected.

I visit a lady in a care home, and rarely stay more than half an hour now. It's clear having a visitor tires out the lady. When I arrive I am still recognised and greeted by name, but as time progresses the conversation dwindles, and her words become confused. At that point I now leave, as she can get distressed trying to explain something she hasn't the words for.
Last visit was a good one, we discussed the Coronation, admired Princess of Wales, and Penny Mordant - struggled on recalling her name but knew the symbolism of the colour for her constituency, decided the page boys were very well behaved and Prince George is clearly aware of the job he'll eventually do, bemoaned the weather on the day and started to criticise the Not My King protestors for trying to spoil a good day for those who came to see it (they could have just not gone instead, or held a protest somewhere else), but after that she got tired, and within 10 minutes the conversation was a struggle for her. Other visits we barely get more than a few sentences before things degenerate with wrong vocabulary. Last summer I could visit for a couple of hours with good conversation throughout, with only a few oddities creeping into the conversation towards the end.

MereDintofPandiculation · 14/05/2023 15:19

it's very normal for people with dementia to be up through the night, it's nothing to do with coffee or what time people visit in the afternoon, it's a common symptom of the disease Quite common for people without dementia to by up during the night. DH gets up for 2 or 3 hours, has done for years.

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