70 year old mother depressed and needy

[RoseWrites]

I'm desperate for some guidance on how to deal with my mother.

She is 70, lives alone, and is quite hard up financially. The latter point gets her down, unsurprisingly.

She raised me and my two siblings by herself and really struggled to make ends meet, but always gave us a lot of love and was one of those rare mums that everyone loved and wanted to be around - even when we were teenagers. She is incredibly well regarded by all who know her for doing so well when we were young, and for being a very caring friend. We all adore her, but things have really switched in the last 10 years and she is now very hardwork to be around.

It is like she has had a complete personality change. She used to be calm and never saw the bad in anyone. Now she is always on edge, she bitches about everyone, is quite snarky about family members and her friends, and is generally quite negative. She started only sharing this with me and my siblings, but increasingly she has melt downs at any family occassion when our partners are there, and has ruined a few by shouting and yelling if something very minor and irrelevant isn't exactly the way she wants it to be. She made my sister cry on Christmas day because of a toy she bought that wasnt' exactly like one she would have purchased.

She is also incredibly emotional and has big outburts on the phone. I can tell when one is coming the second i pick up the phone. It can be over anything - I left without saying a proper goodbye, I didn't give her enough attention at my wedding, I should have gone to see one of her friends when I was visiting. The worst ones were when she used to call me to tell me she wanted to die and then hang up. I used to lose it thinking she was suicidal, for her to then finally pick the phone up hours later being all bright and breezy. Over the years, I've come to see it as very attention seeking and my patience has waned.

I love her and would do anything for her, but I'm exhausted by always having to tred on eggshells and never quite knowing how to react.

I have tried to put up boundaries i.e. I don't answer the phone every time she calls (she can call up to 8 times a day) and I redivert conversations when I'm turning into her therapist (I've had numerous conversations with her when I say she I am her daughter, not her therapist).

I have tried to get her to see a therapist but she is adament she does not need one. My sister has even called and written to her GP but that was over ridden, and my mum went completely nuts, ranting and raging for hours on end, and still hasn't forgiven my sister.

I want to support her emotionally and financially (which I do) but I'm getting exhausted with it all and just can't ever see it changing.

I think I'm struggling now as I've had 2 failed rounds of IVF in the past year, 2 miscariages, work is hectic, we have 4 children, and I'm just desperate for a normal conversation with my mum. (My mum knows nothing about the IVF or miscarriages as I can't cope with handling her emotions on top of my own).

Phew that was long! :)

Do I just need to accept that this is life now?

[ArcticSkewer]

Did she ever visit the GP for a dementia test and general check up? I know it's been ten years so maybe not, but I'd be thinking some type of dementia if it is a real personality change

[CrunchyCarrot]

I feel this could be dementia, sadly.

[BHRK]

I agree it could be dementia… or at least a deep depression. I think you and your sister need to have a frank conversation with her - tell her you love her but that you can’t go on like this and you need to see a GP with her.
When she’s being hard work, Try to keep in your mind all the love she has lavished on you over the years, what she’s gone without to provide for you. It will help you ride it out. But I agree that you do need barriers in place so you can cope - only answering calls once a day for example or every other day

[TheVanguardSix]

She’s young but dementia came to mind as well. She could have had a TIA or a series of TIAs. She needs a CAT or MRI scan to see if there are any pathological signs of disease that could be causing these changes. Even an ultrasound of the large carotid arteries is a good way of seeing how the blood flow to her brain is.

[IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere]

My mum is a lot older than yours - she is 86. But a lot of what you have written could describe her - even the fact that she was the mum all my friends loved. Mum has dementia which in some ways came out of the blue but other things such as personality changes and increased neediness happened gradually.

Along with being needy she would take offence or be suspicious about everyone and everything around her. She always felt that there was "something going on" with the carers/neighbours/friends. And "It'll all come out - just you wait". But of course there was nothing going on and nothing to come out.

When she went into hospital the cognitive difficulties became far more apparent. She was tested for UTI's and any other sort of infection but it was just the dementia becoming more and more obvious.

[RandomMess]

my first thought was dementia too.

[RoseWrites]

Thanks so much for everyone's responses :)

Oh no, I hadn't even thought about dementia. I had hoped that it was just anxiety/depression. Well, not hoped it was that, but at least something less dramatic than dementia, if you see what I mean...

For all those with experience of dealing with something with dementia, are people able to switch their symptoms on and off/do the symptons come and go? The reason I ask is that my mum can still "hold it together" at times i.e. she was upset and a bit strung out on the phone to me but then 10 minutes later went out on a day trip with her friend and was all sweetness, light and happy go lucky. Is it possible to have dementia and manage it?

I might be clutching at straws here but keen to hear this isn't dementia, or if this just sounds like the early stages before it takes hold?

[Viviennemary]

I am not a medical person but the early signs of dementia are repeating the same story over again several times within the space of say 40 minutes. And asking the same question again after only a minute or so. And some days better than others. She is obviously a very unhappy a lot of the time. But I agree 8 phone calls day is too much. You can't force her to have therapy. You could try calling Age UK and see what they suggest.

[ArcticSkewer]

The symptoms of dementia can come and go, and emotional volatility can be one of the signs. It's worth a general check up at the GP though as it can be something as simple as a vitamin deficiency instead! Equally as you say she may have depression or anxiety.
Dementia UK have useful factsheets and a support line

[Bonelly]

Is there not a b vitamin deficiency that can also mimic these symptoms. B12? My friends mum gets pathologically raging then the injection sorts it.

[MereDintofPandiculation]

@Viviennemary

I am not a medical person but the early signs of dementia are repeating the same story over again several times within the space of say 40 minutes. And asking the same question again after only a minute or so. And some days better than others. She is obviously a very unhappy a lot of the time. But I agree 8 phone calls day is too much. You can't force her to have therapy. You could try calling Age UK and see what they suggest.

Dementia isn’t a single illness but several different types, and early signs are very variable. Repeating the same story may not be an early one.

https://www.alz.org/alzheimers-dementia/10_signs

[IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere]

the early signs of dementia are repeating the same story over again several times within the space of say 40 minutes

It's perhaps more accurate to say that doing those things can be a sign of dementia but not all forms of dementia start the same way.

[Iwasafool]

@RoseWrites

Thanks so much for everyone's responses :)

Oh no, I hadn't even thought about dementia. I had hoped that it was just anxiety/depression. Well, not hoped it was that, but at least something less dramatic than dementia, if you see what I mean...

For all those with experience of dealing with something with dementia, are people able to switch their symptoms on and off/do the symptons come and go? The reason I ask is that my mum can still "hold it together" at times i.e. she was upset and a bit strung out on the phone to me but then 10 minutes later went out on a day trip with her friend and was all sweetness, light and happy go lucky. Is it possible to have dementia and manage it?

I might be clutching at straws here but keen to hear this isn't dementia, or if this just sounds like the early stages before it takes hold?

Yes symptoms can come and go, I had this with an elderly relative and I could clearly see the personality changes, the nastiness/depression etc but the professionals Social Worker, GP etc thought it was me. Some people call it hostess mode, you see this nasty unhappy person who is nothing like the person you knew and a visitor arrives, an old friend, the vicar, the doctor and they become charming, friendly, smiling and then the visitors go and they revert. Gradually they can't hide it.

With my relative she knew something was going on but couldn't or wouldn't accept it. It was hard to get help for her as she didn't want it and the professionals couldn't see it. Eventually it became very obvious, I did "help" them realise because every time the neighbours/old friends/999 operators called me to complain about her behaviour which I was supposed to be able to control I would give them the social workers number and ask them to call her and would explain that the more feedback she got the more likely we would get help.

There are different types of dementia but this was my experience.

[Viviennemary]

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere

the early signs of dementia are repeating the same story over again several times within the space of say 40 minutes

It's perhaps more accurate to say that doing those things can be a sign of dementia but not all forms of dementia start the same way.

I agree. Another thing I noticed in hindsight was accusing people of taking their things. And making inappropriate remarks. Like telling somebody they are fat. But there are a lot of signs but sometimes hard to notice at the time

[IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere]

@Viviennemary We called it "losing her filter"! My mum never used any bad language - even "bum" was inappropriate! But my cousin and her pre teen were visiting and my mum described someone as "a pain in the arse"! It wasn't an expression she had ever used before so why she came out with it then I have no idea! Just before she went into hospital she noticed a mark on her top and decided she had to change there and then and immediately took it off - even though there was a young teenage boy in the room!

It is only recently that I have put two and two together and realised these changes in behaviour were part of the dementia. To me, dementia meant forgetting and I hadn't seen any of that in her behaviour.

[DahliaMacNamara]

@Iwasafool Yes, it was hard in the beginning to get help for MIL because her hostess mode was very much like her old hosting style, ie all superficial phrases and interactions, in line with what she perceived as their expectations. She clearly found it very tiring, however, and after a while we realised that if we could get medical or social work staff to wait unseen around the side of the house for a very short time, ie under a minute, they'd hear her slip out of it and go back to shrieking and throwing both objects and accusations.

[Iwasafool]

@DahliaMacNamara

@Iwasafool Yes, it was hard in the beginning to get help for MIL because her hostess mode was very much like her old hosting style, ie all superficial phrases and interactions, in line with what she perceived as their expectations. She clearly found it very tiring, however, and after a while we realised that if we could get medical or social work staff to wait unseen around the side of the house for a very short time, ie under a minute, they'd hear her slip out of it and go back to shrieking and throwing both objects and accusations.

My relative was in an area where social services are well known for being pretty useless. In the end we got a private social worker who got everything sorted out very quickly, he spent enough time with her to see what was happening which I suppose the other social worker didn't have.