Verbally abusive dad

[freddyfox]

My dad is 74, since retiring 9 years ago he has went from being a really nice man, to a complete and utter nasty individual. The way he speaks to my mum is disgusting and he is horrible to her all day, everyday. I’ve begged her to leave him and move in with us but she won’t leave the house to him, she says she has much right to live there as him. She’s in tears a lot and there is just no getting through to him. He just turns nasty with me. The final straw was when he was in hospital for a sore back and he threatened to slap me in front of my kids because I wouldn’t bring him home early. I’ve told my mum that I’m walking away from him. I can’t take the poison anymore. There is no sign of dementia, I think it’s to do with him drinking everynight since he retired,
although is nasty sober or drunk. Am I a bad person for walking away, I know I would feel guilty if anything happened to him in the future and I wasn’t talking to him.

[allswellthatends]

I have been here too. And I totally advise you to back away, but: just to warn you of the complications ((emotional and practical) I myself was not able to do it, because I knew if I backed away I would be leaving my mum and sister even more vulnerable.

Is there no other family? Can you get outside help (medics in hospital, divorce solicitors)?

Also, bear in mind there are many kinds of dementia and with some these character changes ARE the first sign, not forgetfulness.

[allswellthatends]

But do keep your kids away. At least I managed that 😔

[justasking111]

Think you should speak to his GP practice. Tell them what's going on with your father and the effect it's having on your mother. They may be able to help.

[freddyfox]

I really don’t think it’s dementia related. He can turn his aggression on and off like a tap, if there are strangers around he will be nice and polite and put on a good impression and make himself look good. The minute they are out of earshot and my poor mum speaks to him he just turns nasty. He said that he’s in charge of the house and his rules and that’s it, he often tells my mum it’s his money and not theirs. He only went to hospital as he hurt his back, we have asked him to speak to the GP about his aggressive nature but we are told to shut up and leave him in peace. He obviously has developed some personality disorder. I have a sister and she has always just brushed it off but now she’s had enough as well. Horrid situation. Thinking it could be alcohol related but he won’t stop drinking. He drinks a full bottle of wine every evening since he has retired.

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Get her to keep a diary of what is happening, or keep a diary yourself. Try to get legal advice as to the financial situation if she walked out and divorced him. She would still have a right to a share of the house. Get advice on “coercive control”

[Mosaic123]

Could it be alcohol related dementia? If so it might make him stop drinking and be a nicer person.

Your poor Mum.