I'm in a horrific situation with my mother

[BlueMountainAir]

My parents were over 20 years separated and they never sorted anything out between themselves. Then it was discovered 5 years ago that my father built up a lot of debt and at some stage this was likely going to become my mothers debt or the family home was in jeopardy because they were still married.

My mother start divorce proceedings. I think she was 66 at the time.

She's a senior now and in her early 70s.

About 18 months i began to notice some things with her and I began to wonder about her and lean into the possibility of a dementia happening with her. I chatted to her GP last summer about my concerns but I am nowhere further along with a diagnosis. Every day is different with her. Sometimes she is OK. Than other times not so great. It does look as if her face struggles to keep any conversation going at times.

I am getting concerned now in relation to the divorce because the divorce was started 5 years ago and there is still no progress being made. There is still no hearing date. It doesn't take this long. The divorce was supposed to be cleanish enough with the wish being the family home going to my mother. All these years later from the start of it - there's nothing. I have an issue now in that she's now become extremely apathetic about it all. She was always apathetic with legal stuff so it's not a change in her. She got a fright with his debt and moved with a divorce. I think at this stage there has to be someone there to drive a divorce forward. Get onto their solicitor and get it moved along. My father is never going to do that. Not it looks like my mother is the same. I asked her this morning, can she please contact her solicitor and get a timeline for the divorce and all she did was going into a ranty mood telling me that sure he doesn't know himself so how can he tell me.

I mean like this has taken 5 years? How many more years is it going to take them? I asked for a simple request to move this along but she won't do it.

I'm utterly astonished. 5 fucking years and still not done.

I would be in touch with her solicitor myself of I knew he would deal with me but he won't.

Where do I go now. The divorce has to go ahead so some things can be finalised but she's not moving it forward.

[Tiani4]

Social workers will say it's a "lifestyle choice" of your mother's to decide not to act. They don't want to provide help and your mother isn't going to want it or accept it anyway. Their only concern re the house will be whether they can sell it to pay towards care home fees when the time comes.

This is a bit off. It's not that SWs don't want to help it's that SWs can't and won't help someone divorce as it's not within their statutory powers and duties to do so. Its that simple. It's like expecting your hip surgeon to rewire your house.

A solicitor can assist with advice and filing for divorce because it's within their remit and area of expertise. If they don't believe your mother has capacity to instruct them on this specific matter, they will give advice on options.

Re SW role.
If she were escaping domestic abuse, that falls under safeguarding SW remit to support her to find safe accomodation, risk assess, develop protection plan and signpost her to legal advice for non mol order and other steps she might decide to take. That's from a safeguarding remit only. This isn't that

OP, your Mum has been separated twenty years from your Dad, she spoke to a solicitor 4 years ago. If her priority was to divorce Dad, she would have done so years ago on grounds of irretrievable breakdown in relationship and separation - when she definitely had capacity to make those specific legal decisions, She would have taken all the legal steps solicitor advised her to, to protect her financial position, write a new will, etc

If she hasn't, it is not & was not important enough to her (not as it is to you)

You can't use the capacity act in this circumstance for this decision if she lacks capacity to make the decision, but even if you could - her past behaviour demonstrates she had no commitment to seeing a divorce through. That's what you have to consider in best interests planning.

[Seasider2017]

Why do you do the divorce yourself online if it’s straight forward?

obviously the house is mortgaged free, so you could ring the land registry and see how you get husband name taken off deeds ?

do you know husband’s address? Would he be willing to sign it over if you got the paper work I in hand just for him to sign it if he’s willing

[Gablonz]

Can you explain more why this divorce has to take place?
If she doesn't want to/can't be bothered to push for the divorce then it won't happen.
I don't really understand why it has to and why you are so invested in this. Why are you pushing for this?

[hopelesslydevotedtoGu]

It's not the solicitor being slow which has dragged the divorce out for 5 years. Even the slowest of solicitors could do an uncontested divorce within 5 years! For whatever reason, your mum doesn't want to complete the divorce. It makes no sense, it is infuriating, but you can't make her do the sensible thing.

From your later posts, it sounds like she has been a difficult person at times in the past, and this behaviour is not completely out of character.

What I would do is say if she wants your practical help in dealing with the solicitor, or being a LPA, you will do that. And otherwise leave the subject, as you will not change her mind and you will only end up very frustrated yourself.

[Onewildandpreciouslife]

I’m sorry the lack of progress is causing you stress OP, but I’m not sure why you think this is “horrific”? What are the consequences for your mum of the divorce not going through?

[BeesOnLavender]

@Aquamarine1029

My advice is far different from everyone else's.

You need to drop the rope and remove yourself from this mess entirely. You have absolutely no control over your mother and you can't force her to do anything. Just let it all go. What happens is going to happen, with or without you, and stressing yourself to the point of sickness will accomplish nothing.

This is what I was thinking too. I don't think the OP will though because she seems a bit fixated on the family home AKA her inheritance.

Social workers will say it's a "lifestyle choice" of your mother's to decide not to act. They don't want to provide help and your mother isn't going to want it or accept it anyway. Their only concern re the house will be whether they can sell it to pay towards care home fees when the time comes.

[NoSquirrels]

Why are you worried about if the divorce doesn’t get finalised? Is it to protect the family home and therefore an inheritance for you?

If they don’t divorce, and your mum dies, the share of the house that your father owns will pass to him. If your father does, then the share of the house he owns will pass to her. His debt at that point might mean a sale is forced - but you can cross that bridge if and when you come to it.

[MenopauseSucks]

I agree with other posters.
If she doesn't want to do the divorce, then there is nothing you can do. It's taken them 20 years so far, there has been plenty of time, the fact the divorce hasn't gone through is not your problem.
As for the POA, if she doesn't want to do it, or just have your brothers named, then let her.

You can still divorce if a person lacks capacity but it will likely have to come from your father's side. A 'litigation friend' could act for your mother.

Hopefully this link will work.

www.gov.uk/divorce/if-your-husband-or-wife-lacks-mental-capacity

[Tiani4]

Your mum can divorce dad even if he's not responding

[Tiani4]

It'll help you to get LPA finances and property for your mum

www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney

You can do paperwork and get her to sign it

Find a witness

But you also need to explain to mil she is the one that needs to push through divorce even with your help

Hopefully Debts he ran up when they were separated will be his only but it might impact if he jointly owned their property

She's entitled to some of his pension of he's got a larger pension

This is a time that legal advice from solicitor is a worthwhile investment

[Tiani4]

If someone lacks capacity to understand how to divorce

Then they don't divorce
There's no power for any other agency to sign their divorce papers

[Tiani4]

@BlueMountainAir

I am thinking about drawing on the services of a social worker. I wonder would that work? To help her push this legal stuff forward. She is still OK a lot of the times but there's other times and she's stuff that's not right. I could explain to a social worker that she's not aware of the consequences of finishing up these legal things.

Social workers don't deal with peoples divorces

We're here for people with care and support needs to make sure they are able to wash dress , eat, drink, mobilise, liaise with housing if they need accomodation

Legal stuff including hee divorce is down to mum

[Chocchops72]

I’m with @Aquamarine1029 to a certain extent. I may have missed something in your posts, but why are you so concerned that the divorce is sorted out ? I understand that it makes everything very messy in terms of property, assets, etc if one or both of them die or need to go into a home - but they’ve had 20 years to sort this out and haven’t.

what are your specific concerns?

[Aquamarine1029]

My advice is far different from everyone else's.

You need to drop the rope and remove yourself from this mess entirely. You have absolutely no control over your mother and you can't force her to do anything. Just let it all go. What happens is going to happen, with or without you, and stressing yourself to the point of sickness will accomplish nothing.

[whatwasIgoingtosay]

Do not involve Social Services until you can get POA. If they decide she lacks capacity you will never get it and everything will be taken out of your hands. If you get on well with your brother, maybe he could get POA and then things might move forward?

[Mumsanetta]

This is very stressful. If she will listen to your brothers I would get them involved in setting up a power of attorney. Tell your brothers it’s required to finalise the divorce to protect your mother’s assets and for medical purposes as her cognitive function is declining. If theres an issue with your brothers wanting to be named on the POA rather than you I would let them but explain that you will not be taking on the burden of resolving your mothers legal issues if you are not named and will leave it to them.

[PragmaticWench]

Once she has a dementia diagnosis you'll not easily get POA, at that point you'd need to apply to the Court of Protection and it's a much bigger process. Would your DM sign POA forms if you are named jointly with your siblings? Can you speak with your siblings to stress the importance of this and the need for urgency?

[Unsure33]

You really need to get power of attorney whilst she is able to agree . Get finance and health one . It can be done on line .

can you word it as helping her and taking the pressure off of her ? Can your siblings help as surely they will lose out if the family home is lost ?

[BlueMountainAir]

The divorce was never contested. It was going to be relatively easy-ish. We were going to buy his share of the place.

It's still not being sorted. I get a feeling that the solicitor is dragging this out now for as long as possible and she's not willing to apply pressure to get this done and to progress it. It shouldn't be taking this long. 5 years and still ongoing. The might as well just cancel the whole lot and stay married.

[BlueMountainAir]

@AuntieDolly

If she doesn't sort out the will and is still married when she dies the house will go to your father. She needs urgent advice. She should put her half of the house into a protected property trust for her children

We have two different solicitors on the whole entire mess. Theres a problem in that the divorce process is over 5 years old now. Her divorce solicitor is slow and useless and she's now happy to ignore it and sit on it and let it fade into the background.

[BlueMountainAir]

I am thinking about drawing on the services of a social worker. I wonder would that work? To help her push this legal stuff forward. She is still OK a lot of the times but there's other times and she's stuff that's not right. I could explain to a social worker that she's not aware of the consequences of finishing up these legal things.

[AuntieDolly]

If she doesn't sort out the will and is still married when she dies the house will go to your father. She needs urgent advice. She should put her half of the house into a protected property trust for her children

[Yesthatismychildsigh]

Your father’s debt cannot pass to your mother. If they still do own the house they could come after his share, but that would take a while.

[BlueMountainAir]

I don't have POA. I never knew what POA was until last year and I started reading online about 'parent going senile' and dementia. I never knew what it was. I know what it is now and the importance of POA. Trying to get POA has been a nightmare. She's extremely apathetic and writes off my request. She doesn't want to know about it. I never gave her any reason not to trust me. I have siblings living abroad and she would give it to them in a heartbeat because she would view them as more domineering perhaps because they are male but me being her daughter means nothing to her.

I couldn't bear to look at her or talk to her since yesterday knowing what's happening. I was trying to help and all she did was write me off and bury and ignore the whole entire mess her husband has put her and the family home in.

[KnittingNeedles]

And you have my heartfelt sympathies about how hard it is seeing a loved parent change like that before your eyes. It's so, so hard.

Be kind to yourself too.